We were excited. Comic Relief does the Apprentice had a truly inspired line-up - Alastair Campbell, Piers Morgan, Cheryl Cole, Karren Brady and him off EastEnders that used to be married to the editor of the Sun. A bully, a fraud, a thug, a battered husband and the chief executive of Birmingham City FC. All of them convinced they're too smart to be made arses of by reality TV cameras.
But that's the thing about reality TV. Whether you're Jade Goody or the prime minister's director of communications, they will make you look like an arse. Effortlessly.
And last night they pitted their wits against Sir Alan Sugar (whose column about financial matters ran in Piers Morgan's Mirror. Until that nasty business with the share dealing of course. Those shares were in Viglen - a firm Alan Sugar took over in 1998). I'm saying nothing, except that was all I could think of for the first 10 minutes of the show and it might have coloured my impressions of what followed.
Five minutes into the programme, Campbell and Morgan had taken over the boys team, though I don't think they'd ever particularly got on (according to Piers' diary; Alastair's isn't out yet), they bonded over bullying Rupert Everett, the gay actor who they order to call Julia Roberts. Incidentally, Campbell kept reminding me of someone.
Once Everett decided there is no charity worth it and sensibly left the exercise, Campbell and Morgan sat in the back of a car chortling together at what a "big girls blouse" he was. Later they physically threw two stone Trinny Woodall out of a room. Alpha males.
Meanwhile the girls raised £85k in the first 20 minutes, largely through Cheryl Cole ringing Simon Cowell and the footballer Ashley Cole. I'm not sure calling your husband counts as business nous, but fine, whatever helps beat what we're laughingly calling "the boys".
Back in boys' HQ, Rupert Everett has been replaced with the Apprentice's last series winner, Tim Campbell. Alastair and Piers having manhandled the woman and made the gay boy cry now waste no time in moving on to the black man. He is immediately their serf. "Do you know how to use a stapler, Tim?" They chirrup while declaring he could be "in charge of administration". Words fail me.
In the end of course, the girls raised about £775k and the boys a measly £287k. Campbell's face on realizing he'd not just lost but lost big time, should've been put on a stamp. Preferably a really big special one for Comic Relief. Roll up tonight to see Piers Morgan get fired. Or Campbell. Either way, happy days...
