I’m not sure I can think of a more predictable TV show than The Apprentice.
Even after a pandemic-induced break, I can still spot every terrible business decision and swaggering declaration of brilliance a mile off.
But please don’t misunderstand me: I absolutely love it.
The opening sequence, where we meet the candidates, could have been lifted from any of the previous 15 series.
The entrepreneurs stride through London with an empty wheely suitcase in hand, the wind in their hair and the devil in their eyes.
They make nonsensical statements like, “I’m confident to the point that people think I’m deluded and that is my strength”, and announce their “natural genius”.
We laugh in their faces while reaching for another sip of Dry January contraband.
Then Lord Sugar steps into the boardroom determined not to be out-punned.
“You don’t get furloughed, you get fired,” he states, making a mental note to congratulate his script writer.
The first task is all about cruising, as the candidates are instructed to create the branding, TV advertising and social media tease for a new liner.
It’s not hugely different to previous tasks on the show but naturally, the teams are thoroughly unprepared.
They approach the job by arguing, upsetting each other and pitching ideas even a five-year old would veto. Series one winner Tim Campbell follows the girls’ team, acting as Lord Sugar’s eyes and ears.
He’s the temporary replacement for Apprentice legend and interviewing titan Claude Littner, who is recovering from a cycling accident. Tim is an excellent addition to the team but he can’t rival Karren Brady, who is well-practised in withering looks of disdain and zinger critiques.
She can’t contain herself when the boys create a “half man, half rotten banana logo”, which is actually supposed to represent a sea wave and a man in a yoga pose. Obviously.
I always think we should cut the teams a more slack as they’re clearly under pressure and trying to make an impression.
But even I can’t defend the decision to call a luxury cruise brand “Never Ending Nautical”. It sounds more like a newly diagnosed bout of chronic sea sickness.
The teams pitch their ideas to industry experts, which is as toe-curling as ever, before heading to the boardroom to discuss where it all went wrong. Pantomime villains are created, as the rest of us bury our heads in our hands.
I missed the circus more than I expected. Roll on episode two.
