Join us next week as the candidates take to bikes, have toe-curling sing-songs and buzz, apparently, about as much as dead bees. You can always rely on Lord Sugar for a final sting.
Thank you so much for joining us and for all your comments this evening. You’ve all given 110%. Been fishes climbing up trees. Been water in cups, and bottles. And been excellent company. But, don’t forget, you’re not here to make friends.
Jessica calls it. They all seem pretty happy to see the Big K return.
Chin up Mukai. That’s right, not a foot wrong.
Grainne’s got potential, and Karthik’s got a warning: Lord Sugar’s eyes are on him.
I knew it Mukai, you should never have mentioned Italy! And Mr Handbag’s outta there.
He’s like water – it becomes a cup, it becomes a bottle. He’s lean.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, he seems to be confirming that the longer he spends with someone, the greater risk they’re at, or he’s at, or the team’s at, or the clutch bag is at?! I don’t know anymore but … did he mention he nearly made a £1,000 sale?
Hang on, is Karthik seriously telling Lord Sugar that he struggles to work with people more powerful than himself, who he disagrees with?! Surely no amount of nearly sold £1,000 clutches can remedy that?
I love that Mukai’s now become “Mr Handbag”. He didn’t appreciate the influence he has, Claude thinks. Clearly everyone was going to trust Mr Handbag? Even if he does act like a consultant, or maybe because?
Gosh, yes, isn’t it lucky that Grainne had a bag expert to hold her hand through this?
And back to the age-old question: scarves or handbags, scarves or handbags.
Mukai acts like a “consultant”. Is that the ultimate Karren Brady diss?
Okay, Grainne wants to bring Mukai and Karthik back in. Oh no, hold up. Rebecca not Karthik. Oh no, and again, back to lineup number one. Grainne is not making this any easier, is she?
Oooo, a couple of lad-y smirks at the mention of bras in the boardroom there. Bras bras bras bras bras. Is it nearly over yet?
Alright, the window was a mistake, wasn’t it? Plus I would have liked to see Rebecca do her best non-cheesy interpretation of ‘please come inside and buy these handbags, inspired by New York and the Spanish island of Menorca’. I would, in fact, pay good money for that.
Excellent “you’re not exactly Louis Vuitton” takedown from Alan there.
Do you think Lord Sugar records the request for the candidates to come in every week, or do they just play the same one over and over – any signs of ageing?
Back down to earth with a crash, bang, cuppa at the bleak-looking caff that’s probably very nice if the gloomy piano music’s not playing … and Mukai’s still on about that window. Grainne thinks it’s about the handbags. And Karthik’s STILL naffing on about that clutch bag sale that NEVER HAPPENED.
And Courtney’s complaining about how competitive everyone is and then doing an Iago to camera and how much he loves triple firings, because they make his life easier. Apprentice gold.
They might be having a mellow time of it at the croquet but Sofiane’s still keeping it very much on-brand, Apprentice-wise. Course he’s not here to make pals.
And it’s off to the country for croquet for them. What, no gag about mallets? Lord Sugar really missed a trick there.
Down to the nitty gritty of the numbers, then. A few thousand here, another few thousand there. And … Nebula just pipped Titans to the post with their feline scarves and badly planned personal shopping.
Oh Karthik, nearly selling a £1,000 clutch bag is not going to cut Alan’s mustard, is it? Nope.
Claude’s piping up about his bafflement with the window display again. I think we’ve found his and Karren’s pet hates this week. Badly dressed windows and badly researched personal shopping sessions. Duly noted.
Mukai’s not helping himself here. We all know Lord Sugar likes his candidates to have cut their teeth on market stalls or factory floors, not in Italy working with luxury handbag-makers.
Alan uses the moment talking about handbags to raise his dislike of the 5p plastic bag charge in supermarkets.
Over to Nebula. Lord Sugar really relishes saying that, doesn’t he? “Grainne.”
Poor JD. Is that voice for real? Surely that’s a magic weapon he could have used – he could sell all the silky shirts in all the world with such velvety tones as that, surely?
Oh dear, Karen looks utterly disgusted about the lack of information gathered on the personal shopping client. And she’s not leaving it there – that man that bought all those shirts, and spent £1,000 on them, would apparently have been willing to spend £4,000 more on lovely silky shirts. Who is this man and does he live in a house lined with silky shirts instead of wallpaper and carpet?
We’re kicking off with Titans. Can Sofiane please stop calling the designer of the cat scarves a “French lady”? Oh, there we go, Lord Sugar gets in a jibe about fat cats. Course he does.
And Jessica’s coming up smelling of roses! Dare I say it, I’m actually quite pleased for her.
Boardroom o’clock
Aleksandra’s departure has, Lord Sugar says, at least saved him a cab fare. Always one to see the silver lining, that guy.
Who shakes the hand of someone they just bought a handbag from?
Oh, okay, frantic strings music, it must be nearly time for the end of selling. Although normally it’s accompanied by panic sales of 50 units of some crap or other for 50pence. What’s the Liberty equivalent going to look like? Chucking Chanel at people’s heads and asking for their plastic?
Hmmm, quite restrained actually.
Finally, Mukai’s sold something! But he’s still on about that window … Do you think Mannequin is his fave film?
Oh yeah, JD, what’s he been up to ALL DAY? Oh good, the tea’s under control.
Next up for Karthik and Frances, “trendy teenage girls”.
Oh, here we go, this is the kind of classic Apprentice guff we’ve all – let’s face it – been waiting for … What was that Karthik, something about fish not being able to climb trees? He’s an IT guy, remember, but still he’s managing to swim? I’m lost.
Paul and Grainne are selling bags like hot cakes, but Mukai is wandering round looking like a lemon, a bowtie-wearing lemon. AND he’s supposed to be the bag expert.
Someone who spotted Jessica in the window has come in and spent over £500 on scarves. Anyone else find that a bit creepy?
LOL:
Dillon thinks it’s his rapport that means he managed to sell his client so very many silky shirts. And, honestly, I think it may well have been.
Back to personal shopping with IT consultant Karthik, who’s somehow become The Apprentice’s answer to Trinny AND Susannah. I did not see this coming.
Oh dear, no Rebecca in the window yet. How will people know where to find the handbags that have been inspired by Menorca?!
Oh, her customer’s worried they might make her look like a fat art teacher. Frances does a very hearty, very nervous guffaw. “That’s fine”. I’m fine!
Frances and Karthik are picking out options for their client. I’ve never seen anyone so shocked by the suggestion of a headband. But Frances does seem to have selected some apt stuff.
Dillon’s got a “fellow silver fox” to personal shop for.
Is anyone else well and truly freaked out by those scarves? At least Sofiane’s keeping his head screwed on in the face of such terrifying neckwear. Check out his sage advice to Samuel: “when you sell a scarf … just say … what colour bag to go with it?”
Oh god, Karthik “if I wanted to be like everyone else, I’d have waxed my monobrow” Nagesan’s been made Frances’ designated shopfloor runner. Surely that’s not going to go smoothly?
Oh, he seems remarkably fine about it.
Oh. Poor Grainne’s team are going to have to hope the Tetris bags speak for themselves, then. Claude is utterly baffled.
Even Karren looks impressed with Sofiane’s team’s window, with a framed Jessica dangling cat – and jaguar and tiger – scarves about the place. It’s by far the best thing Sofiane’s ever seen.
Rebecca assures her colleagues that she won’t be too cheesy in a window. I can smell the brie from here.
Day two in San Sugarpero…
Things can only get better, right?
Oh, Alana’s just redressed the balance of the universe. She finds out scant info: her fella is after some trousers. Karen’s worried.
Now it’s time to check in with the poor buggers who are going to be being personal shopped for tomorrow. And Frances actually does an alright job of sussing out sizes, brands and what the person’s sartorial schtik is – we’re definitely not in Kansas anymore.
Wouldn’t The Apprentice be a good jumping off point for a Black Mirror ep? Do you think what we’re actually watching is some kind of cruel joke of a San Junipero, where people are forced to please Alan Sugar for all eternity and have Squeeze for a soundtrack instead of Belinda Carlisle? And we get to watch them?
Mukai’s vision is NY skyline meets Spanish holiday island. Possibly with Rebecca doing her best Kim Cattrall. But Grainne’s worried that might look tacky. Hang on, what’s got into the candidates this week, with their awareness of sense and tack. This isn’t The Apprentice I know and lukewarmly like.
In case anyone’s memory needs jogging:
Over to Dillon to design the cat scarves window display. Courtney riffs his way to Cool for Cats, which Samuel points out doesn’t make any sense. Sure, Samuel, but this is The Apprentice, since when did anything ever have to make any sense? He looks on totally non-plussed as Jessica and Dillon have a little singsong – please God don’t get any ideas about Apprentice charity Christmas singles, anyone.
Oh god, it’s time for a crash course in theatrical window dressing. What’s that you say, Liberty window-dressing expert? Some of your most successful campaigns have real people in the window? For the love of god, don’t tell this lot a thing like that and expect Liberty to last the week. Do I need to mention the Taylor Swift lyric/loo ad again? And all this in the week that brought us River Island’s emo mannequins, hence leading everyone to remember just how brilliantly creepy and eighties Kim Cattrall was in Mannequin.
Now over to Grainne’s team to decide what to opt for. Frances is very very impressed with how good Spain is for manufacturing. Grainne grimaces, but Tetris bags it is!
So it’s Sofiane’s call which they go for. Here to help him decide is Jessica: “Literally, if you just saw one of these scarves you would just love it.” Case closed.
Sofiane’s squad, in the meantime, are off to see colour-changing brollies. Can’t lie, they’re actually quite fun, aren’t they? And t’other lot are off to chat to the people behind “feline fabrics”, who love cats, but “also love jaguars and tigers”. Dillon’s sold. Who wouldn’t want a silky great big tiger dangling round their neck, eh?
One collection’s called New York. The other’s called Menorca.
Right, now it’s lunchtime and there’s not a Pret tuna mayonnaise baguette in sight – the teams must also pick one new product range, so one half are off to see leather and canvas luggage, while the other half are off to see handbags that are … um … hard to describe. High fashion meets Tetris, maybe? Or Rubick’s cubes run over by trucks? Oh hang on, Paul’s got it covered: “this is like futuristic meets modern contemporary”. Can someone please get Anna Wintour on the phone?
Uh oh though, Paul wants team Nebula to go for the scarves too. So do the rest of the team. Apart from Mukai, he’s still rooting for handbags. Grainne looks harangued, but it’s handbags 1, scarves 0 for now …
Team Titans (or are that lot Nebula?!) are feeling inspired by the Liberty scarves and think they might be the item they chose to sell. And – basically a first on The Apprentice – that sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? They’re unique to Liberty, they’re world-famous and, (you can thank me later, Liberty), they’re really quite lovely.
There’s some not great bantz from Rebecca, there – I’m sure that shop assistant loves hearing again how hard it must be to keep herself from gobbling all the chocolate on a daily basis.
Right, they’re entering the most Hogwart-ish shop in the country, with its hallowed halls, up market perfume bar and geranium-flavoured chocolates ...
Next stop, the shop floor, but not without some obligatory back-of-people-carrier moaning first. Courtney’s clearly not enamoured with Sofiane’s bullish ways: “anyone that tells me to trust them, I don’t trust them …” Man’s got a point.
Over to the other team and oh hello, Sofiane wants to put himself forward for PM. Course he bloody does. We might not have to wait much longer for the whir of that Boethian wheel to do its magic after all …
But wait, hang on, management consultant Aleksandra’s got a bombshell to drop … she’s leaving the process! She’s “not enjoying it”, she says. Is that her way of saying “you’re all a bunch of wazzocks and me and my lovely necklaces can do a lot better than to plug disgusting salt and vinegar fudge to unsuspecting punters’? Whatever it means, she wants to go home “now, right now…” and nobody’s stopping her.
Updated
Makeup artist Grainne’s putting forward her bid to be PM – she even used to work there, so no excuses in the boardroom for her, eh?
Oh Christ, this lot are going to be taking over Liberty for the day. Is that a good idea, Liberty? Haven’t you been trading since way before Alan Sugar was even born, let alone uttered his first word (Amstrad, I’m guessing)? Can this be a good idea?
Right, now time for Lord Sugar to explain the challenge, and he’s come over all professorly as he gives us the lowdown on drapers. Eighteenth century something something, they sold wool something and – now he gets to the point – they helped set up the first department stores … it’s a bit like GCSE history all over again, but without the theme tune of Nokia’s Snake quietly humming in the background.
They’re en route to the challenge and Sofiane’s at it already: “I’ll PM all day long,” he says. “I’m a natural born leader, so…” Anyone else pumped to see Sugar hurl some takedown puns at this guy in the boardroom?
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to … Drapers Hall they go.
And we’re off … here comes the obligatory 5.45am wake-up call. And this week it falls to Trishna to tumble down the stairs in her pjs to find out where Lord Sugar wants the gang to be in under 20 minutes (there needs to be a behind-the-scenes of this one day – no-one can go from yawning in bed to coiffed hair and a full-face of makeup in that little time, can they?) Anyway, excuse Karthik and Dillon while they have a first thing in the morning flirt.
They don’t give him a TV programme for nothing:
Shall we take a brief moment – the calm before the storm, if you will – to remember last week’s episode? Our bunch of bright young bozos were asked to manufacture and sell their own sweets, cue rancid-sounding salt and vinegar fudge, fisticuffs at sunset on Brighton beach, weird child-catcher vibes from Dillon and the firing of sausage supremo Oliver – his inability to sell (/do anything other than grin and crash into bollards on a bike loaded up with rock) left him the butt-y (sorry) of Lord Sugar’s jokes.
Welcome to The Apprentice liveblog.
Big Al’s not here to make any friends, he is wont to remind us. And nor am I. In the spirit of The Apprentice, I should let you know right off the bat that I’m a natural born liveblogger, 110% born to do it. As you’ll see from my CV, I’ve been liveblogging since before I was even born; it’s in my blood. I’ve been to liveblogging business school and came out not only top of my class, but top of the universe. And did I mention I have a PhD in the ins and outs of reality TV? No, well …
What I mean to say is, lovely to be here, thanks for having me – Julia Raeside, our usual liveblogger, couldn’t be here tonight so I’m stepping humbly into her brogues as we see what the remaining hopefuls manage to break, fake and generally make a badly branded dog’s dinner of this week. It can’t be worse than the time they used Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off as the soundtrack to a “luxury” advert set in a ladies’ loo, can it?
Looking forward to all your comments and thoughts.
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