The flash forward to Sunday (the final) does not fill me with optimism as Courtney demonstrates his trophy baby beaker. He needs to stop with the weird infant drinking receptacles. He’s freaking me out.
Anyway! There are your finalists. And although I sadly won’t be able to join you on Sunday, you’ll be in the capable charge of Heidi Stephens. So join her at 9pm for all the fun of the fair. Well, of the Apprentice final.
And thanks for being here! I need a bath and two weeks of de-programming as usual. Find me on Twitter @jnraeside and good night!
Alanna is in tears, Courtney actually cracks his first full smile of the series.
In the cab of doom, Frances tries to put a cheerful face on her bitter disappointment. And the other two share a jovial people carrier back to the house. Courtney taunts Alanna about her nest egg. She tells him her heels are dug firmly into the ground and she means to crush him. It is so on.
And she’s in the final with....
No more music, please. Just tell us. Frances, Frances.....gets the boot! Courtney vs Alanna for the final. I’m 100% convinced that Courtney is going to win.
Sad music, sad music, sad music.........
He’s really struggling to pad this til the music cue catches up with him. Alanna is in the final. Repeat, Alanna is in the final.
Courtney talks down the other two while describing his products as unique. Yes, that’s the word for his bizarre champagne baby bottle. What a brain he’s got to come up with that.
They go out. They come back in. Alan gives them one more completely superfluous going over just to spin out the tension for a bit longer.
Who is it going to be? Cakes? Gifts? Kids’ clothes?
Ah yes, I see. We still have to lose one more dufus.
Could Courtney actually win this? More than anyone else, he seems to inspire sympathy in the mentors. They all want to coax the fight out of him.
This is the moving finger bit. He hops from one to the next, saying why he doesn’t like each one.
But he’s settling on Jessica. She starts to babble and fight and hustle. But it doesn’t work. She’s out. Jessica is out before the final.
So our three finalists are Alanna, Courtney and Frances. Who bet on these three?
Frances’ kiddies’ shops next. He says it’s a wild idea based on unpredictable end-of-line stock and he expresses general doubts about her “handbag” filing system. In person she’s convincing but he’d rather focus on one silly remark made six months ago.
And now onto Jess. Alan says she got the personality but the music is turning sad.
He moans on at her about not reinvesting her own money in the business because she fecklessly wanted to save for her own house.
Courtney’s turn to get it now. So he’s going to dance about as usual, keeping us guessing. I’m pretty sure he’ll keep Courtney in the final because he does love an inventor. Alan doesn’t do ideas. He wants an ideas person.
He turns his attention to Alanna and her little cake business. Oh spare us the post mortem, Alan. It’s obvious he’s going to bin her from a great height.
That’s right, never start anything. You’ll never make it. That’s the attitude. Even he doesn’t believe this nonsense. Alan breaks it to her gently but he tells Grainne.....
You’re fired. Good bye, Grainne.
For this bit in the boardroom, they might as well play charades. From week one, he’ll have identified which business idea is a goer and the rest of the 12 weeks is just farting around in mermaid costumes.
Never the less, we’ve all bothered to follow it this far, so ignore the elephant in the room and back to the fray. Alan is running through each business pitch in more detail. Grainne says she wants her own make-up brand and Sugar scoffs that she fancies herself as the new Mac.
The millionaires are dismissed and the famous five are summoned to face their Waterloo. Good god, the hair. So shiny. Can I touch it?
Alanna hopes to scatter her cakes throughout the independent delicatessens of the nation. The panel don’t know how she’s going to find out where these delis are. Should we tell them about the internet?
Frances’ kids’ clothes shops sound like money-spinners but they talk down her business plan and say she never really thought she’d get this far.
Grainne’s make-up brand is seen as too ambitious and unwieldy. Karrrren speaks up for her logic and decision making and the Lady in Red admits that her make-up was fantastic. An actual compliment!
Jess’s plan is described as a bit woolly and too dependent on the participation of the social media celebs. Linda reminds everyone that her business is called Lust and Lies. Also the new Mike Leigh film, out in the fall.
He may only have invented 33 things in the last three years, but previous winner Tom Pellerau only invented one wobbly nail file and look at him now!
And we’re back in the boardroom with the mean millionaire panel. Lady in Red poo-poos Courtney and his lack lustre pitch.
As they glumly climb back into their people carriers the mood is subdued. None of them are ready to give up and they’re all trying to use the brain-bashing horrors they’ve just experienced as fuel for success. After they’ve had a little cry and a Pot Noodle back at the house.
“I am strong. I am woman. I’m invincible,” says Jess. “I am tired,” Exocets back Alanna. I want her to win. And I’d like a cake.
Frances drops another clanger saying she’s “horrific” at figures. She gets quite indignant when Linda won’t let her finish. These guys have not in any way been set to stun. They are kill kill kill all the way.
For the rest of this section, can we just assume that the mean millionaires are continuing to verbally dish out duffings to the unfortunate candidates. It’s the only time I really feel sorry for them. The twerps.
“You’re operating from a bedroom,” she concludes which is a bit harsh. What does she expect? That’s he’s operating from a bat cave?
Linda asks Courtney how he lives on £8k a year? He says he lives with his parents. Job done.
Claude gets Jess’s life story. She deploys it defensively on the basis that if he can’t get a word in edgeways, he can’t make her cry.
Courtney has designed a plastic champagne flute baby bottle for, um, I think he said it was for babies at weddings. It’s the most niche, weird thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t even really have a reaction to it but if I did it would be the “Th...th...” noise he made earlier.
Frances should perhaps not have put in her application, that her filing is all in her handbag. Why do they do this, year after year? It must be producers telling them not to worry about it. The gits.
Mike has spoken to Courtney’s ex-colleagues to check the validity of his claims. He’s made most of it up and when put on the spot, he has to try to draw a novelty gift in the room. It’s basically a Lord Sugar sugar dispenser. Someone would definitely buy that.
Claude tears into Frances over her “appalling” business plan. She leaves the appendix off her business plan and Claude looks at her like King Lear looked at Cordelia when she failed to come up with a flowery enough of way of saying “I love you, dad.” Yeah, Shakespeare. You heard.
The Woman in Red (forgotten her name) tells Jess she’s very emotional and she says this with absolutely no emotion at all. Jess is bringing up three children alone and running her clothes business. Perhaps not as daft as she looks.
Mike thinks Grainne’s spending is a bit much and her plans are hugely ambitious. She seems to want to have fingers in all the pies and he doubts her ability to do that.
Courtney’s company designs and makes novelty gifts. “It’s like pulling out teeth,” says Claude looking like he really wants to pull out Courtney’s teeth. Without anaesthetic. He gees him along as Courtney finally starts to grow a pair and talk up his own game. “Yes, Courtney. YES” gasps Claude like he’s reaching the fiscal vinegar strokes.
Alanna admits that her boyfriend is the other wheel in her company. What if she falls out with him? “He could be replaced,” says Alanna with the cold, dead eyes of a Bond villain. Yikes.
Claude shocks everyone (apart from Courtney) when he says he’s spent the series wanting to smack Courtney over the head to wake him up. Courtney further infuriates him by maintaining his laid-back swagger. Sit up straight, man.
Alanna plys Linda with cake and she almost has her eating out of her hand. However, the numbers sound “ambitious” to Linda. Remember a cake maker has tried to win Sugar’s (ironic) cash before and failed. Remember Louisa? Where’s she now?
“You’ve had quite a lot of businesses haven’t you?” Linda states to Jess. Hang on, if she’s Linda, who is the one in the red dress? Never mind, back to Jess’s total lack of confidence, ability and nouse in an under pressure situation. She’s so likeable but she is being pulled apart like a cheap jacket in there. Linda near kills her. It’s savage.
I think the hair this series has been some next level glossy shit. Not one of them has had a bad hair day. The leccy bill for their styling tools must bankrupt the production every year.
Frances pushes her children’s clothing outlets to Mike who is a bit more gently gently but he winkles out of Franky that she has had more shops than she mentions but she left them out of her application because both shops failed. Ulp.
Claude has a go at Grainne. What’s her business plan? Anyone? She leaves his office with her head in her hands.
Someone is now clipping Courtney’s uncertain, “Th...th...” for a dance record which will be out in time for Christmas. What sound was he trying to make?
Linda quizzes “awesome” Courtney on his sales track record. She tells him to sell himself. What do you think he’s been doing all series, Linda?
Alanna admits to Claude that she’s got a nest egg she’s keeping back to buy a house and she wants Sugar’s sugar to invest in her cakes. Fair enough. You try getting on the housing ladder without being a multi-billionaire.
“How much money did you make?” he asks her about her first business? Not much, she concedes. He dubs her amateurish and tells her one of her business partners has resigned without telling her. She looks surprised.
Jess tries to win Mike over with her social medis savvy and her potential celebrity contacts. I wonder who they are?
Have a cake.
Claude has become a caricature of a reality bastard. What’s he playing at? He won’t try Alanna’s cakes, he’s busting a blood vessel in his neck and looks like that guy at the start of a Casualty ep who ends up clutching his chest on a pavement as passersby call an ambulance. Chill out, big C.
Linda (Plant, not La Plant, the other one) tucks into Jess with a knife and fork as she instantly crumbles and offers up a bit of her own rump to carve. Like the big cow creature in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Please eat me, she seems to be saying. I’m delicious.
So we have Clause sitting in a chair that’s slightly ill-adjusted and makes him look like a giant on a toadstool. He launches into Frances with a foul rant designed to induce instant tears. MEAN.
Claudine takes on Courtney and immediately takes him to task over a stupid quip on his application form. They cannot win, this lot. Say something wacky to get cast then spend the rest of the competition regretting it.
Mike is testing Grainne on her maths and she’s grinning like an idiot and fiddling with her own fingers.
They arrive at the Leadenhall Building to find Karrren and Claude have been horrifically chopped in half. No, it’s OK, they’re just standing behind a reflective surface that makes it look like that. They’re OK everyone.
Alan launches into his usual boasty opener about being a big beardy moneybags with notes to burn so ner. “You’d better have some answers,” he says to the quivering interviewees as they do their best not to blink at ALL.
Little Hi-De-Hi reference there for the very old among you.
And Jess, oh Jess. What is she planning? She has found grammatical errors in her own business plan but thinks the numbers are OK. Fingers crossed, she says like Peggy Olorenshaw hoping to become a Yellow Coat.
Frances believes that Alan is intrigued by her. Grainne is a make-up artist who thinks outside the box. The make-up box? Courtney rattles his biro against his teeth in a way that would make me fire him instantly. Alanna is buttering up the interviewers with baked goods. Wrong show, love.
So we have five young thrusters left and they are asked to meet him at a reasonable hour, in London’s famous City of London. Where else would be appropriate as the scene of their horrific torturing by business bastards?
Who’d have thought that something called Giin would beat Tramp’s Piss hands down.
When Alan surveys London like that from the top of the Gerkin or wherever he is, do you think he’s thinking, “I could buy that one, or that one, or that one?” I think yes.
The narrator reminds us it has been “Twelve testing weeks” and it’s like he’s speaking to me personally. Yes it has, thanks for noticing my hard graft.
Flashback to gin week. I’m not drinking this week. Just can’t face the stuff anymore. The thought of Trishna’s dehydrated tramp’s piss still makes my stomach lurch.
Is everyone pumped and ready with their first sweaty handshake? Can you even conceive of how badly this is going to go for Jessica? Will she go full The Mask and start swinging from the light fittings, gurning and hooting like an excited owl? Lay your bets.
It’s the interviews episode! Am I having a stroke or can anyone else smell toast? The final five will, at last, be sent to the slaughter like five flimsy slices of Mother’s Pride fed into one of those catering industry toaster machines.
While some of them may emerge golden and nicely done (losing grip on analogous taboggan) some will come out charred, smoking and only identifiable by their dental records. Stop this now. Because it’s business time and Lord Alan’s crack team of human scarecrows take no prisoners.
So join me here just before 9pm for in-depth analysis of the final five’s business plans, their CVs and their outlandish claims to having invented the Post-It.
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