Talking of happy endings, that’s it for my brief toe-dip into this year’s Apprentice – thank you as ever for joining in and being marvellous – you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens if you want to say hello. My liveblog duties for 2016 are now over, which must mean it’s nearly Christmas. Have a wonderful festive season, and I’ll see you in 2017! Hx
Am happy for Alana, she seemed really lovely. And am pretty sure someone will want to make Courtney’s Cuppy Cup, which would be a happy ending for everyone.
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Lord Sugar picks ALANA to be his new business partner! He’s going into cake by Alana, even though she didn’t put the word Sugar in the brand, which was FOOLHARDY. Courtney looks gutted, bless him.
Time for a final pitch from the finalists. Courtney calls Alana “just a baker”, and she rips him a new one over profits and margins. Courtney’s products are niche, but everyone loves cake, says Alana.
Lord Sugar has a dilemma. Presumably because both have limited potential and he doesn’t really want either of them.
“Have you every come across a designer that’s got any commercial sense?” asks Lord Sugar. I don’t know, maybe James Dyson?
Lord Sugar loves the Cuppy Cup, but he’s worried that other people would knock it off. I’m guessing the motors in China are already running.
Alana’s cakes are not just cakes, they’re exciting cakes, and people will buy into Alana and her personal brand.
No. No they won’t.
So, will it be Cake or Cuppy Cups? I reckon it has to be Courtney, because Lord Sugar loves a bit of old tat.
Alana chose her team because they’re marketing experts, strong women and Oliver, who does food. Lord Sugar likes that Alana put her name on the product, because Alana is his cross-dressing alter-ego. Oh my sides.
Lord Sugar is being very complimentary and constructive. This is no fun at all.
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Boardroom time! Lord Sugar is wearing a lurid Purple tie, which is a good sign for Courtney. Jessica, Vinnie Jones and Facial Hair made a digital billboard that didn’t show any products, and Monobrow was in charge of the TV ad. Lord Sugar and Karren were impressed with Courtney’s presentation.
Courtney’s face has suddenly become animated, and it’s quite unsettling. He thinks he’s got a good chance of winning. 50/50 at least, Courtney.
Well done Courtney, you absolutely nailed that. Although secretly I hoped for more of a car crash, what’s the point of The Apprentice otherwise?
So far Courtney is holding it together, but his TV ad is really bad. I mean, like PANTSMAN bad. The audience are laughing, and quite like his prototype sippy cup. He’s playing the crowd really well, and even manage to crack a few jokes.
Lord Sugar gets some feedback from some tycoons. They’re generally quite positive about Alana, I think Courtney has got a job on his hands. But still, LANDFILL.
Alana is on first and manages about ten words before she starts crumbling like an overbaked brownie. She witters on a bit, then shows her cheesy video and flicks her hair a bit. Her nerves actually comes over as kind of humble and charming. I’ve seen worse.
I feel like I should be watching this from behind a cushion. It’s going to be horrible.
It’s presentation time! I hope Courtney is wearing robust underwear, he looks terrified. Alana is having a meltdown.
Courtney asks Jessica and Facial Hair what the research reveals, and they lie through their teeth. Frances, Rachel and Oliver do likewise, because god forbid that Alana might go into this with some idea what the audience might roast her for.
Jessica and Facial Hair are doing some market research on the Purple Whale brand. It doesn’t go well. Motivation for both finalists comes from Grainne and Monobrow, who sends Courtney to sleep.
Oliver is panicking over packaging, but the box actually looks quite good and Alana doesn’t punch him over the Welsh dragon, which is disappointing. Courtney’s Cuppy Cup gets everyone really excited, no idea why.
Karren questions why Monobrow is ordering on the phone, and Jessica explains that more people order stuff on the phone these days, rather than using a laptop. “Really”, deadpans Karen. They realise their mistake, but Courtney doesn’t seem bothered. He’s left the building already.
Courtney is designing a child’s sippy cup shaped like a football trophy. Hugh Grant is called Oliver, and Alana has left the packaging in his very capable hands. Alana has made it very clear that she doesn’t want a Welsh dragon on it, so he is putting a Welsh dragon on it. Yay teamwork.
Over on Team Courtney, Bad Facial Hair and Jessica are having an artistic argument. Monobrow is ordering something from Purple Whale on the phone, because it’s 1998.
Alana is having some branding training from Hugh Grant. It’s now Ridiculously Rich by Alana, which sounds like a sub-Britney perfume. Noooo.
In Faringdon, Frances, Grainne and Rebecca are arguing over whether Rebecca should be called Maureen or Carol, or something else that’s less like your nan (maybe, I don’t know, Rebecca?). They are trying to give Alana’s video some personality and a story, seemingly by making an episode of Acorn Antiques (RIP). Grainne jogs in in full gym kit and buy a quick Rocky Road, because that’s what Faringdon gym bunnies do.
Jessica shows Courtney the video they made, and it’s a man in foam fingers pointing to his groin whilst being pecked by an emu. Courtney loves it, because he is an idiot.
Alana’s team have recorded their video in landscape, because they are also idiots.
Frances and Grainne don’t like Alana’s logo, they think it’s “Ridiculously Shite”. They try to explain their reservations to Alana, and she goes off on one. Pick your battles, ladies.
Courtney’s team are still bickering, and Vinnie Jones is pissed off. I like the cut of his jib.
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Courtney is having presentation training, because he is terrible at it. It seems to involve being groped in your socks, don’t mind if I don’t.
Meanwhile Frances is dressed as a cupcake. Classy.
Rebecca is still trying to persuade Alana to go with Ridiculously Rich, and she’s finally caved. Evil Claude points out there’s no USP, although being ridiculous is definitely a unique selling point for cake.
Courtney can’t decide on a name, but he is thinking about animals. His favourite animal is a whale, and his favourite colour and purple, so he decides to call his company Purple Whale. It’s like watching a toddler problem-solve.
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Courtney’s team is making a ten second video, which involves doing something random, possibly with costumes. Jessica is the world’s most annoying human.
Alana’s team are also deciding on a name. They can’t decide between Ridiculously Rich and Oh My Bake.
Wait, you’re going into business with LORD SUGAR and you haven’t put the word Sugar in your brand name? Sugar and Spice? Sugar Rush? You’re an idiot.
Courtney wants a fun and cheeky brand name, presumably to compensate for his lack of either quality. He suggests either Bingo Bongo or Ringo Dingo, both of which sound someone you’d go to for a payday loan. Monobrow suggests “Pocket Pleasers”, which sounds like something you’d want delivered in plain packaging. Vinnie Jones isn’t feeling it, either in or out of his pockets. Courtney decides they need a brainstorm, but that would require someone in the room to have a brain, so I’m not holding out much hope.
It turns out Vinnie Jones is the voice of common sense. How is he not in the final?
Alana explains her business – it’s a country kitchen cake business based in West Wales. She’s delighted to have Grainne on her team, despite Grainne not even being a qualified makeup artist.
Courtney explains that Lord Sugar wants to make money fast AND quickly. Both of those?
Their final task is to launch their business, by creating a brand for their company and pitching their idea to 200 industry experts, who I’m guessing have been lured by the promise of free alcohol. The winner of tonight’s final will get a £250,000 business partnership with Lord Sugar.
The previous candidates have returned! Vinnie Jones is last to be picked, and there is a man with an incredibly impressive monobrow.
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And we’re off! It’s 6am, and Lord Sugar’s office calls and asks the two finalists to go City Hall. Alana has luxuriant hair which I am coveting quite hard.
In the end, actually-quite-likeable Alana’s idea for a wholesale cake business made it through for having quite tasty profit margins, along with charisma-free novelty tat peddlar Courtney, because there’s nothing Lord Sugar loves more than landfill. He’s been making it for 40 years, after all.
Previously on The Apprentice: five candidates faced an interview panel of panto villains giving off killer death stares. CVs were picked apart, lies uncovered, the spendy-happy nature of business plans eviscerated. All the final five had rubbish ideas and were pretty much entirely innumerate, and one of them (Grainne?) actually pitched herself as a trainer of makeup artists despite only having half the required qualification. You might want some heavy-duty concealer for that brass neck, Grainne.
And we’re off! Rod Gilbert has announced that this is a 2-hour affair, presumably including some kind of You’re Hired special. Please let it be known that I’m only here for the first hour.
Evening all, and welcome to this year’s Apprentice Final liveblog! Julia is otherwise engaged this evening, and I’ve been asked to step in and see the series through to its inevitably underwhelming conclusion. So I’ve hung up last night’s glittery dress, popped on a power suit and some opponent-crushing heels, and I’m ready to give it at least 45%. Who’s in?
Full disclosure before we get going: I haven’t liveblogged The Apprentice since about 2012, and I’ve watched the sum total of one hour of this series so far, which was Thursday’s interview episode. I spent most of that wondering how magnificently awful the other 13 contestants must have been for those five simpletons to make it to Week 11, but then decided that I probably didn’t want to know.
Anyway we get to meet them all again tonight, when finalists Courtney and Alana launch their business ideas with the help of the fired candidates. I don’t know anybody’s name other than the final five, so forgive me if I describe them by their hair/neckwear/celebrity likenesses. Feel free to join in down below, and we’ll get through this together. See you at 9!
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