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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Entertainment
Ellie Violet Bramley

The Apprentice 2015: week nine – as it happened

Estate of mind… Richard and Vana making a property sale.
Estate of mind … Richard and Vana making a property sale. Photograph: Screen Grabs/Boundless

Thanks so much for your company tonight. There have been highs, lows and… no, just lots more lows. Join Julia back here next week for another hour of The Apprentice, the programme where entrepreneurship meets light entertainment, LOLs and a lackadaisical attitude to the English language.

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Next week, Richard will be doing inappropriate things with onions, and Charleine will be getting to grips with chia seeds. I, for one, cannot wait.

Joseph and Gary are safe for now. Off they trot, via the inevitable awkward hug…

Who's fired?!

Will it be Selina? I hope so. It is!

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Why shouldn’t Lord Sugar fire Selina? She’s proved she’s capable of “working with wealthy people”, she says. Compelling stuff.

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Joseph, the “godfather of business”, is getting a classic Lord Sugar brulee-ing. Why should he stay in the process? “I’m 26 years old,” he says.

Selina and Gary are coming back in with Joseph. I reckon Joseph’s braces are going to get another grilling.

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Right, who’s Joseph going to bring back? Selina’s negative aura is coming up yet again. Fire the negative aura and be done with it.

Scott free

Shock, horror, OMG (/I read a spoiler this morning)… Scott has left the building. “He’s gone”, says Karren. “He’s been floundering for weeks,” says Claude. Scott’s not so sure: “Lord Sugar will kick himself.”

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And the winner is…

Like Selina, numbers have never been my strong suit so I won’t try and jot the figures down, but the winner is… Team Vana, Rich et al. This lot are off on a speed boat. Or are they? Scott seems to have something to say.

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How does Joseph keep his moustache like that? It really is a marvel. Alan Sugar says he looks like Super Mario. Man’s got a point.

Karren is giving Scott a talking to for calling the wardrobe a washing machine and the bidet a hot tub to potential buyers. He doesn’t know this industry, he says.

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Boardroom o'clock

‘Ere he is. This is “serious stuff”, he says, million pound flats rather than the classic discount fodder. We know, Lord Sugar, and we can’t quite believe this lot sold energy drinks, let alone flats with rooftop gardens and “dens”. But sell they did!

Richard has finally got the name right and is talking about “engaging” with the client, a lot.

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“We literally have a minute left,” says a clipboard-wielding Charleine, before continuing to run after unsuspecting pedestrians and try to flog them a £350,000 flat. I would not buy a doll’s house from these people.

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Couldn’t have put it better myself, our Lord Sugar…

Clapham, I s’pose.

It’s 5.30pm, 90 minutes trading left and they’re OUT ON THE STREET and trying to sell flats. “My husband’s going to kill me”, says one woman buying a cheeky flat on a Tuesday afternoon. Where do they find these people?

Over on Twitter, Lord Sugar’s not mincing his words:

WHY ARE PEOPLE BUYING FLATS FROM THESE NUMPTIES?

Over in Lewisham Gary’s highlighting how some people like looking at “the greenery”, some people like looking to the “city” and some people like looking at “Lewisham”. Someone get Foxtons on the phone, I think we’ve found them their next star employee.

Richard really is like David Brent. Look how neatly lined up those shortbreads are. But even David Brent couldn’t sell a flat off the back of a plate of Bakewell tarts.

Did Joseph actually just say that? By the time he’s finished with the property market in the East End, Stratford’s regeneration is going to be “our standard”. I have no idea what that means. Answers on a postcard please.

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Selina has just boasted that she’s dealt with members of the royal family to explain to her team why she’s more suited to the high-end of the market than Charleine, the Refresher.

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Day two and Joseph’s ditching the pink shirts in a bid to look less corporate. So he pops on a… white shirt. It’s going to be a long day.

Charleine actually seems to be doing quite a good job selling this flat, even though she is dressed as a Refresher.

It looks like both teams are opting to try to sell Canary Wharf. But who’s the developer going to go for? Team Mardy or Team OMG Canary Wharf 4eva/’My Parents Are Architects So I Understand Flow’. They went for the latter. Selina is miserable not to have been picked. No change there then.

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Vana and Richard are in Canary Wharf seeing a show flat. There’s not a whole lot to show at the moment, but Vana’s confident she could sell this because “she likes Canary Wharf”.

Scott and Brett are in Clapham. They seem to already be showing round a potential buyer. “These are the walls.” It’s going to be a tough sell.

Joseph’s going in for the hard sell straight off the blocks but the man who’s all about the concept is not up for talking commissions. Claude thinks it was a “poor business decision”. Agreed, Claude, agreed.

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Vana and Richard are off to “Manhattan Loft Gardens”, or something, and they’re off on the charm offensive. The developer cares about “the concept”. Vana gets it, she says, and Karren’s impressed.

Richard has put his hard hat in the ring on t’other team. I think he’s got his helmet on back-to-front, but everyone seems to trust him regardless. He’s the other team’s PM.

Joseph loves to sell. He’s putting himself forward as PM. They all agree.

Right, Alan Sugar’s giving them the chance to sell property worth millions. They don’t get that Nutella contains nuts, but they’re getting some of London’s finest properties to try to casually flog for our entertainment.

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They’re arriving at The Tower. Cue the hobbits arrive in Mordor music and a blustery shot of them all in high-vis vests, goggle and hard hats looking like buffoons.

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6am. What, no phone call? A special delivery instead. They’re off to the South Bank Tower. “What’s that?” one of them asks “A tower in the South Bank,” Selina enlightens us all.

The recap’s reminding us of Richard riling Vana, nut-gate and Charleine’s presumption. Tata David, again – those t-shirts will not doubt haunt that man for the rest of his life.

And we're off!

Buckle up…

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Evening all, lovely to be here – I’ll be stepping in for Julia tonight as we watch the remaining eight candidates compete for Lord Sugar’s acorn.

This week it’s property week, which means we will watch as the remaining candidates try to sell luxury flats to some of the city’s movers, shakers and big-bucks makers. I, for one, cannot wait to see this dynamic lot, who struggled but a few weeks ago to sell high-octane energy drinks to the fine folk of Madchester, try to sell Thames-side penthouses to some of London’s “most discerning buyers”.

And, since my mac’n’cheese dinner is making me feel slow, I’m going to leave it in the capable hands of our Lord Sugar to be our hype man for tonight:

Join me here just before 9pm to find out who’s going to enjoy a boom and who’s going to get cussed.

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