Thank you so much for your company and please join the brilliant Hannah Verdier same time next Wednesday for all the interview-based carnage on uncomfortably sticky office chairs.
Have a brilliant final! I’m at @jnraeside if you need any tips on removing excess oil from your hands.
On the basis of that task, the worst person by a hundred miles was Richard, closely followed by Charleine. He must like both of their business plans.
So with five wazzocks to go, it’s time for the interviews.
“Fantastic,” says Bret. I’ve not heard that reaction before. Alan reassures him that he’s an honourable man which is lovely coming from Alan.
He lets the others go and Charleine is already in tears as she thanks him.
You're fired
I think it’ll be more than one person. But who? WHO?
Gary, Charleine, Bret and Richard nod passively yet confidently as Alan begins the dance of doom.
And the loser is...Bret.
Bret barely draws breath before Alan bashes him down for letting Richard dominate him.
Bret says he’s always the first person to say, “Guys”. Every team needs a person who can says guys. Right guys?
The marked four return to the boardroom and Char is first to defend herself. She recaps her entire time on the show, flagging up sales figures.
Gary goes next and talks a lot without saying anything at all.
Richard reminds us he’s won 8 out of 9 tasks and made 4 million billion quid on property last week. Anyone can do that in London, mate. That’s how Alan got rich.
Karrrren speaks up for Charleine in a backhanded way and says that she has fallen apart today but she never gives up.
Charleine can’t decide who to bring back but eventually picks Gary because she’s panicking and Alan is nagging her. Joseph goes back to the house. Bret finally sees sense and says he will bring back Richard.
Vana and Joseph are safe and will get to show Alan their business plans. The others look afraid/sad/flatulent.
Bret is finally under the spotlight for not understanding the concept behind his own product. While Richard claims he wasn’t told how the crisps were made, Bret tries to be noble and says he won’t rip into a colleague for the sake of it. Save yourself, Bret. Ditch Single White Male over there and finger him for this.
Charleine goes outside for a cry. The others carry on without her. No, she’s back again explaining that her tears are for the poor quality for the product. Even though she made it. Just her. It was definitely NOT her fault.
Gary, Charleine and Joseph are ribbed for their claims. She is crying. Perhaps she finally feels bad for claiming that her revolting snack might cure cancer.
Back in the boardroom, things are no clearer. This isn’t a nil-nil draw, says Alan because they all lost. Nice logic.
The two PMs will be brought back with one team member each for the final reckoning. Sack them all sack them all sack them all sack them all.
They all leave in oily disgrace. He could fire all of them and we could call this the final.
Vana knows the oil was a big factor in her product not selling but she throws interference towards Richard’s “raw” error. Gary shuffles the blame towards Charleine and they all sit in the sad cafe thinking about champagne cocktails at the top of Tower 42.
Nul points
Wowsers trousers - literally not one sale for either team. The result they all dreaded and we all hoped for. “That’s never happened before” says Alan like a man embarrassed in a love situation.
ALAN'S ZINGER
We’ve waited a while folks but here it is. Alan’s big drop-kick this week is a line about an iconic vegetable being Elvis Parsley. Let’s all bow our heads and think about Syria for a bit to cheer ourselves up.
Gary reiterates his seven GREAT years at the major supermarket chain but neglects to tell us why he left. We’ll gloss over it.
The crisp team tenses up as Alan opens a packet of their onion “crisps”. To be fair, the global environmental disaster that spills out is ridiculous. Alan’s pudgy fingers are all greasy and I can’t help but think of sausages.
Gary explains the crossings out on his packaging. Charleine looks and sounds like she’s already given up.
Did Alan just nick my Chernobyl joke? The bloody cheek!
Karrren gleefully corrects all of Char’s pronunciations of the super food ingredients. Rich from a woman who can’t even spell Karen.
The results
Outside the boardroom, Charleine seems to be actually praying. Alan’s “good morning” is directed at the floor in front of him. Bad shit is coming. You can just tell. Did they all sell nothing? I bet they all sold nothing.
Who does Joseph look like? I’ve never been able to nail it down. Yer man out of Sparks? No. Who?
Gary faces his former employers to flog Rejuvenate. Imagine the inside of Gary’s head right now. They ask him to sum up the benefit of their product in one line.
It’s energy, it’s fun, it’s vibrant, says Gary looking like a disappointed Anton du Beke.
The black crisps look like Chernobyl.
Bret says the product is “vegan free”. No vegans were harmed in the making of this product. So the word “raw” seems to be important here. Nowhere on the bag does it say that the crisps aren’t baked they’re dehydrated. Who decided to remove “raw” from the bag? I think it was Richard. Or it could have been Bret because they are the SAME PERSON.
Vana gushes “I am in love with this product” as they enter their next pitch. “There is 50% olive oil in this product” says Richard flatly as the panel sink their gums into the sludge oil slivers inside the bags.
I’ve spelt Rejuvenate wrong down there haven’t I? So fire me.
Joseph tries to explain to Char that they can’t lie in the pitches but she urges positivity above all else. Let’s see how this goes at Asda.
She madly patronises the Asda buyers about super foods. Her eyes nearly pop out of her head. Gary throws to Joseph to pass on the results of their market research. He is digging and digging. You can buy this Rejuvinate bar in the morning, the afternoon. Literally any of those two times.
Charleine says the first pitch was so so. There were things they weren’t keen on - the name, the packaging, the idea in general.
The Virgin Active man points out that excess of oil again. He really shouldn’t have put his hands straight in his hair after touching the crisps.
Bret and his team arrive at the Virgin Active pitch wearing ties to match the carpet. Good start. They really are the same person aren’t they? Richard and Bret. Same ties, suits, beards, hand gestures. They’re starting to creep me out.
Karrren points out that they have a “few problems”. Does she mean the packets covered in magic marker or the disgusting tripe within? Hard to pick just one.
The first pitch is to Holland & Barrat. Charleine uses the phrase “health cautious” early on and the corners of the panel’s mouths start to curl. They try her awful bars and say they don’t like them. She starts free-styling about them warding off cancer.
The crisp gang do some market research and get the feedback “a little bit oily”. A little bit?! You could rub them on your skin on holiday or before a massage.
Charleine, Gary and Joseph have to start crossing words off their packaging as they’ve made false claims about antioxidants. The terrified snack bar floggers stagger out of the front door clutching easels and executive cases, looking like scared children.
It’s 8am and the advertising material has arrived. The crisp merchants seem to have done well and they proclaim the product tasty. The pomegranate and peppermint bars sound utterly disgusting.
Charleine just said “fuck”. Charleine is panicking. She is angrily listing the ingredients and not listening to the boys at all. The boys do what they can with the vaguest of terms on their packaging. They might as well put “nice” and just hope for the best.
Bret is clenching furiously as Vana also decides to play fast and loose with the measurements. She pours so much olive oil into the mix you can actually tip a packet of these crisps into your car’s engine if it’s not running smoothly.
Charleine has Karrren watching her like a hawk. It’s just the two of them. Imagine the pressure. It is becoming clear that the pressure has started to get to her and her snack bars could possibly kill someone.
Claude observes that the power structure of Bret’s team is all out of cock. Not his words, mine.
Charleine hurls in acai berry extract like it’s going out of fashion. She doesn’t believe in weighing scales. She has no idea what her health bar will do. It could be a George’s Marvelous Medicine situation here. Enormous, oversizes grandparents all over the country, furiously launching legal action on the BBC.
Sorry, did Bret just call a tomato a “tomaydo”? I’m sorry, is he an American or is he trying to ingratiate himself with Vana?
Herring & Pistachio. See? Not hard.
Vana and co have actually gone for veggie crisps. They definitely already exist so are they just going to invent a quirk flavour combination because that doesn’t seem so hard.
Charleine says their product will be great for contraception. Charleine needs to go back to school immediately.
Joseph and Gary are back at base. She enthuses about baoba. Or booba, or baabaa. They want to make a Rejuvinate bar infused with nature’s viagra. Is that a Rejuvinate bar in your pocket etc?
Charleine goes to explore super foods and listens to the patter of an “expert” who talks her through the magical powers of some coloured powders in jars. She swallows it all whole.
Joseph fires off some names and suggests LIFE. Charleine asks him to spell it. Sweet lord above.
Gary, who just pointed out he’ll be pitching to his old boss, says crisps are a big seller but I think they opted for an energy bar because we all skip meals nowadays. God, how depressing. Look at them all, in their people carriers, in their suits, eating their cereal bars. I want to cry.
Richard wants to change the way we eat lunch. Charleine puts herself forward to PM the task because she eats snack bars. Siper.
Brett takes charge of the other team because he goes to the gym. Richard says he’ll take control of his own sub team of one because this is very much his thing. Has he just handed Bret the PM role so someone else is in the firing line when it all goes wrong? I think yes.
We are at the Olympic Park because the challenge is HEALTH related. They got quite desperate with the tenuous meet-ups this series didn’t they? Sack that producer.
Vana reminds her team that they are the best as they all fluff up their chest feathers in preparation for some Alan time by the pool. Again, none of them are dressed appropriately. No cozzies.
Was that Joseph in his pants? The candidates must meet Alan at the Olympic Park quite near my house. If I’d have known they were so close by I’d have literally moved to America.
The recap reminds us of Selina’s total loss of voice. She just erm-ed a lot. Meanwhile, Vana made four billion million pounds in the property game and Scott stormed off.
As Selina got into that taxi, it strikes me, did she ask for a white suitcase to coordinate with her mac? Because usually they’re black. I bet she did.
A quarter OF a million pound investment. How many more times?
“Things take an unexpected turn...” says the continuity lady. Maybe they ARE doing it in costume. What about a panto episode? Could the Lord become a dame for the night? I’d pay to see that.
It seems wrong somehow, The Apprentice being on at Christmas. It’s like Scrooge and a boardroom full of Cratchetts, killing my holly buzz with their acquisitive buffoonery. Actually, the least they could have done is performed the final in full Dickensian costume.
Are we gathered in? Have you stocked up on goji berry smoothies and quinoa boost bars? And alcohol?
You go away for a week and all hell breaks loose. I can’t believe I missed the unthroning of Selina and Scott’s turbo-flounce to boot. Sadly, this is my last blog of the series but the passionate, 110% committed Hannah Verdier will be taking it to the bridge for next week’s interview round and the final on Sunday 19th. That’s right, don’t go tuning in on the following Wednesday because you’ll miss the big climax.
Tonight the remaining six are challenged to invent a healthy snack food, brand it, market it and sell it to three major retailers. The gossip suggests that it turns into an unholy (low calorie) bun fight and the boardroom in particular is thrown into disarray.
Can’t wait. Join me here shortly before 9pm to witness the fitness. Or witness the witless, if we’re talking accuracy.
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