Next week the dolts are party planning and cheery Selina barks, “I don’t have children. I don’t like them.” Did any of the men say anything about this or are we just defaulting to the stereotype of the child-free woman here? I wonder.
Join me next week when, minus Sam, they’ll be back to put themselves (and us) through all of this nonsense again. Just four more times for luck.
I’m at @jnraeside if you require any discounted electrical goods. Thanks for coming and good night!
The other chumps await their returning heroes on the roof terrace even though it is obviously freezing and they are all shivering and trying to stop their Viognier wobbling.
We all knew it about 45 minutes ago didn’t we? No big surprises this week. Brett and Scott straighten their ties and pretend to be sad about Sam’s departure.
It’s OK, Sam. Fly out of the window and back to the meadow from whence you came. You, like Ruth, are better than this.
You're fired!
And finally, Sam gets the bullet. Bye, Sam. What a performance.
Does anyone remember the Answer Prancer from The Day Today? This is like that.
Alan’s done a double bluff and tried to imply Scott is going...
“Why shouldn’t I fire you?” says Alan, barely interested in the answer. He is not going to fire Scott. When the firing is a foregone conclusion, I love how they all try to misdirect our attention away from the massive red arrow aimed at the weakest one’s head.
Sam, are you getting a bit uncomfortable?
Sam keeps his eyes on the table, which isn’t helping. Alan tells him that they’re all “concerned” about his lily liver and lack of spunk. Those are my words, not Alan’s.
The final showdown
Scott says Brett is bullish and Brett responds with utter resolve and confidence. He doesn’t have to worry so why would he come out fighting?
Sam is so so SO obviously going home. Alan likes Brett’s big balls and he despises Sam’s inept calculator juggling. I can’t see Scott going because they all keep describing him as “clever”.
Selina tries to shit on several other teammates without naming names as if that abdicates her from all responsibility. When Scott brings back Sam and Brett, she does a barely perceptible fist-pump under the desk.
Scott actually goes as far as telling Sam he didn’t like working with him. The others are bound to get the scent and turn on the runt, surely? No! They’re now all turning on Scott.
“I had visions of you, going through the motions,” says Alan to Sam. I don’t know what he means by this but I bet there are websites he could consult.
Brett and Vana are going to actually murder Selina if this goes on. Meanwhile, Sam sits quietly in the corner knowing that Karrren is planning his ultimate doom, waiting for her moment.
Scott is told his business was “less of a pop-up shop, more of a cock-up shop” by Alan who appears to be phoning his appearance in from Mustique this week.
Scott says the truest thing yet when he points out that everyone is fully invested in self-arse-covering before they’ve even worked out which team will win the task.
The candidates can do no more. It’s back to the boardroom.
In the cafe of oh no, Selina says she’s not blaming anyone but perhaps that’s because everyone else blames her. Vana certainly does.
At the top of the Shard, the muppets congratulate themselves and Gary declares himself a “classic retailer”. Oh he is a CLASSIC retailer, no one could argue with that.
Vana looks like her ingrowing toenail just turned septic.
The figures
£962.04 - Connexus
£1511.07 Versatile are the final numbers when it comes to the values of each business.
Alan sends Versatile to the top of the Shard for a vulgar champagne celebration and Charleine looks like she’s literally won the lottery.
Generally I liked working with Scott, lies Selina.
Brett lands the verbal clanger I’ve been waiting for all evening. Let’s all gather round and laugh at the autodidact for his use of a made-up term. Hey, he was just self-preservating.
Brett and Vana must justify their sharp practice with their mendacious pricing scheme. I bet Brett doesn’t even slightly get sacked for being completely dishonest.
PM Scott steps up next to have his face bludgeoned with a wet fish.
Karren delights in pushing him aside and unleashing full hell on Sam as he flounders and casts his eyes to the ceiling. It’s because he knows it’s better never to argue with a stupid person. Just nod and smile, Sam. You’ll be free soon.
Richard and Joseph are compared to The Chuckle Brothers but that’s unfair. Their facial hair could never compete with Barry and Paul’s manly face hedges.
Scented candles, body butter and diffusers were the stock in trade for Gary’s team. Alan makes some jibe about that being Joseph’s perfect night in. What is he implying? I wish that came up as subtitles after every one of Alan’s ill-qualified verbal jabs.
Gary is first to draw Alan’s fire. Claude points out that he tried to get a massive discount on the wholesale goods. Claude points out it was actually Charleine chancing her arms quite so spectacularly.
The bored room
It’s the next day and Alan confronts his minions with his usual mix of disappointment and condescension.
It’s 5.30pm and the shops are closed. Down come the shutters in a perfect visual representation of most the candidates’ intelligence.
Charliene is incredulous that Gary has decided to re-stock at the end of the day, missing yet more customers. She thinks she’s Claude/ Karrren. So does Selina. They think if they stand back and commentate on the performance of the others, Alan will mistake them for existing employees and not desperadoes.
Gary is literally lying on the floor as customers flood past, assuming he is homeless or ill. Either way they don’t care. David (I don’t remember a David - is this Karrren in a cropped wig?) voices his disapproval for all concerned.
It’s 3.30pm and the new stock arrives with Scott. He urges his team to knock everything out for buttons. Bosh bosh bosh. Karrren is impressed at his motivational skills.
Manchester’s Discount Store (did they choose the names?) seem to be doing well. It’s time to re-stock. Discount Haven is still in chaos. Selina is still furious with everyone. As Karrren observes, she points out what everyone else is doing wrong, clearly and nicely annunciated so that Karrren can hear her. Everyone else is glad when she goes.
The special offers starts to go up as desperation sets in. “We habe portable phone chargers, hand blenders,” yells Vana to an uncaring world. But Karrren is impressed by their energy and their charm.
But she really has it in for Sam. She thinks he is the problem and she has his blood in her nostrils. He is arguing with a till, clearly feeling the pressure of her death stare.
OK, the staff of Discount Haven are losing their shit. Brett is about to punch Scott while the rest of them look gormless.
Joseph’s new approach is to grab shoppers and whisper, “Can I show you something?” The police are on their way, Joseph.
Sorry, we crashed there for a moment. I think we’re back now...
Gary choreographs his team. “This is our toilet world,” he says gesturing towards one corner. Yes, yes it is, Gary. And we all have to live in it.
Claude checks out the first discount shop and says the team haven’t piled their shit high enough. Will the others do any better? Karrrren stands, arms folded in the doorway, disapproving of the other team as they argue what to put where.
I’d like my legs and arms to have that lardy look I’ve seen in all the pop videos, please. I’ve seen it on TV and I’m pretty sure my pasty limbs would look amazing basted in oily paste.
“Body butter” is high on Charleine’s list. When have you ever acquired a pot of body butter not as an unwanted present? Literally half of the Body Shop is just stock-piles of unwanted body butter, gathering dust.
Scott is having a bad sales day and starts to get narky with the public, but just under his breath. Never take up a job as a chugger, Scott.
The teams collect their takings and run to re-stock their shops before they grand openings tomorrow.
Karrren slams Vana and Brett for misleading the public about their discounts - the big, fat liars. Will they be slung out of the boardroom window for mendacity? I wouldn’t put it past Alan and co.
Charleine admits that she loves selling alongside Richard because she hates him and she wants him to die. So that gives her an edge. Place your bets for them appearing on the sidebar of shame before the year’s out, announcing their engagement.
If you had “bit of business with a collapsible trestle table” tick it off your bingo cards and do a shot of Tequila.
Karrrrren wrinkles her nose as Sam tries to tot up his team’s spend on a calculator. She isn’t impressed. Put Sam on your danger list for apparently being quite nice and the least cut-throat of the lot.
Charleine effectively glove-puppets Joseph and asks the wholesaler for free product. While she holds out her hand to shake on the deal, her looks at her like she’s on glue. That’s a no then.
Scott is holding items and trying to sound knowledgeable about them. Gary’s team is across town in another warehouse with no obvious plan. Bubble guns anyone?
This is what these turds were born to do? Sell cheap, transient crap to people who don’t need it. Welcome to the rest of your lives, dullards.
Selina casts major doubt on her team stocking discount tooth whitening gel. Ya think?!
The Arndale Centre looms out of the Manchester concrete, beckoning the bargain-seekers in. The teams scour the wholesalers looking for tat to buy, mark up and sell on.
Charleine is being passionate about towels and candles. Gary is letting her. He rubs his face in a classic “I’m stressed” gesture and is clearly out of his depth before the tide’s even come in. Life jacket on, Gary.
Oh GOOD, all the non-northerners are practising their Manchester accents in the people carriers on the way up. They are now effectively to Manchester what The Sun newspaper is to Liverpool. Good luck up there, dunder-heads.
The other team hold a pound shop amnesty, admitting having bought things in discount stores. For some reason, Scott (the PM) decides to stock almost exclusively electrical items even though none of them would buy that stuff in a cheap shop.
The task
Alan says the chumps must flog unbranded items from two rival discount stores. The key thing, he says, is to reinvest any profits as quickly as possible in order to grow the business.
They each have 500 nicker to plough into products. So, who to helm the teams? Joseph and Gary fight over it but Gary gets it. He makes some dreadful mission statement about being a postman and Claude does a face.
Lord Sugar ambushes the candidates in their leisure/active wear. The shame. Everyone runs like mad to the “big brainstorm room” in various states of undress.
Good afternoon, he says pointedly as some of them try to straighten their dressing gown chords fruitlessly.
Mergim’s firing still makes my toes curl until they’re right up by my chin. Just have the courage of your convictions, you finger-pointing coward.
A day off for the candidates but with cameras there, I wonder what is about to happen????
So, almost everyone was fired last week and now just the receptionist and Claude and Karrren in a series of wigs are left.
We revisit the scene of the carnage as the handyPERSON task is recapped. They couldn’t lean windows, put up shelves or count so that went smashingly well.
My task this week is to remember that Brett and Richard are two separate people.
Lord Sugar, on his plane which he owns himself, is still on the hunt for a new business partner. Because that’s how he sustains his business model. He lines up a bunch of shaved monkeys once a year and points at one of them and another million billion lands in the bank.
Ooh, this trailer for Capital reminds me that it’s definitely worth watching, if a bit broad brushstrokes. The plot is a killer. Also, don’t forget it’s Peep Show night on Channel 4. Public service announcement ends.
Right, my lovelies. The twerps cometh. Hark, I hear the squeak of their new shoes on the executive lino as they approach the boardroom. Is tonight’s trip to Manchester the equivalent of Strictly’s Blackpool week?
Tonight, the teams go head to head running rival Manchester discount stores and the gloves (99p for 6) are well and truly off. Using Big Brother chronology, it’s safe to say we’ve reached the head-shaving stage, as the increasingly desperate dim-bulbs sharpen their elbows and start jabbing.
So join me here just before 9pm to witness the dignity-free, all-out wrestle for Alan’s suitcase of cash. Only five episodes to go, not that I’m marking the days off or anything.
