And that’s it. Thank you so much for sticking with us these twelve hundred or more weeks. Your contributions have made this all so much more bearable. I love you all.
I’ll be @jnraeside on Twitter if you need to vent/cry about Nick. But until next year, good bye already!
The phrase “Ever since I was little, I’ve wanted to be a businessman,” in Mark’s montage is making my heart heart. I want three ghosts to visit little Mark, back in time on Christmas day and convince him to be a charity worker instead.
When Leah blinks, one of her eyelids takes a while to catch up. Has she been sampling her own treatments? She says she’s been sending Alan samples of eye cream. No sign of improvement on Alan’s eye bags.
We’re reaching the end now and Mark is presented with a bottle of cough mixture. Nice touch.
There’s Ricky Martin in the audience flanked by Leah the Botox queen and Tom the bendy nail file man. Ricky, are you the new Nick? ARE YOU?
I want Nick as a super hero on a t-shirt. NICK CANNOT LEAVE.
I am taping this and I’ll watch Nick’s Flash montage any time I’m sad. It’s perfect. I never want it to end.
A wordless Nick nods as Alan says he’ll miss Nick and he wishes him well. Is this where he announces Ricky Martin as his replacement.
Nick’s half-a-voice croaks out, “Thank you, good luck and good night.” The audience goes crazy. End of an era. Please raise a toast to Nick.
Oh no, Nick has laryngitis and Alan is speaking for him. It’s a fit-up. Let Nick speak!
There’s Nick!
Alan’s talking about memories and he’s going on quite a lot and now it becomes obvious he’s pre-empting the VT they’re showing. He really was making no sense there for a bit and the producer must have been head-in-hands as he started to describe everything we were about to see. It’s a long reel of clips from Apprentices past and I can’t remember most of these people. Are they going to show Katie Hopkins? I hope not. I’ve just eaten.
Some of the treats this series were downright awful. Here, dangle off this revoltingly high tower, get soaked trying to master water-powered jet packs. Alan’s definition of treat is woolly at best.
Oh great! It’s a treats montage!
Mark pays touching tribute to his gobby friend. It was a bromance driven by competition but Mark concedes he is a “great guy”. I agree with Ben, this isn’t a stand-off at noon, this is a bromance. They may not understand their feelings for each other right now, but in time, perhaps they’ll see.
Oh, they’re filling the gap between now and the titles with some Daniel clips. This is giving an also-ran undue prominence in my opinion. Daniel seems to have genuinely receded since the taping of the show. In the studio right now, his hairline is retreating off camera.
With 15 minutes to go, I’m not sure how much more mileage we can get out of Mark. I kind of want the last bit of the show to be a tearful, heartfelt tribute to Nick Hewer. How can we go on without him? He’s the sensible one, the safe pair of hands, the half-moon spectacles and the sensible countenance of reason. An Apprentice series without Nick will be a much duller thing.
Ben Miller tells Mark he’s likeable because he doesn’t stab people in the back he “stabs them in the chest”.
Oh god, and now another chance to see Mark choking. It makes my mouth so, so dry.
Bianca’s loss is a double shame now because I can’t post this Vic and Bob sketch.
Dara tells Mark he’s a crafty fox but I’m not sure that’s not crediting him with more cunning than he’s actually got. I mean, his adversaries were all Apprentice candidates. How hard can it be?
I really enjoyed seeing that clip of Mark politely and amiably forcing Pamela to be project manager as her face registered a sudden awakening combined with horror. Her face in that moment displayed all the emotions it’s possible to have in the space of a minute.
Mark’s Australian relatives have literally flown in from Oz tonight and Dara says they had no idea of the result. But I’m fairly sure that Mark ringing them up in the middle of the night and saying they have to fly to England may, just may, have given them a clue as to the result. This was filmed ages ago.
Thank goodness Romesh has also admitted that he doesn’t know what the bloody hell Mark is going on about. This is the Emperor’s New Clothes basically, isn’t it? Alan is poncing about up the high street in the all together because Mark has told him that only clever people can see his fine new clothes.
Alan says that some other high-powered digital dude threatened to poach Mark at the pitch which is what convinced Alan to spring into action and bag Mark for himself. So one other person in the room was clever enough to see his clothes.
Bianca must play that moment in the people carrier with Mark, where he said, “I can’t wait to win” over and over again as the tiny acorn of hate inside her grows to the size of an ostrich egg. How she must want to push him under a moving taxi right now.
This montage is just Mark spouting his business buzz lexicon. Digital profit search engine media online cappucino FTSE bags of cash client base win. Whatever he said, Alan liked the rhythm of the words, even if the words themselves left him confused.
Oh, it was Climb Media that Felipe enunciated so badly I thought he’d said Chlamydia. “My name’s Mark Wright and I’m the founder of Chlamydia,” doesn’t sound so snappy does it?
He adds that Bianca offered him an exciting new product but he was ultimately lured by the young person’s digital idea because he hasn’t got a blardy clue about all this modern rubbish and he doesn’t want to get left behind.
Now it’s Mark’s montage.
Alan says that he chose Mark because he sold shed-loads of stuff during the tasks and seemed completely ruthless. Like a shark.
And here’s.......... Alan.
It’s a mountain climbing company. Ooops, Mark. Do your research.
So I think we can say that Mark and Alan’s company almost definitely won’t be called Climb Online when it launches.
http://www.climbonline.co.uk/
Here comes the winner
It’s time for Mark to make his big entrance. They replay his moment of triumph and his face splits a mile wide.
Mark enters looking exactly the same except he’s swapped his grey jacket for some sort of yachting blazer.
Bianca’s parting gift is a London map with her face all over Westminster. And here are her best bits.
One of her fellow contestants says she’s “fun” but I don’t see her letting rip all that much. For a 25-year-old she is about the most serious, dedicated, frighteningly capable people I’ve ever seen. What was she ever doing on The Apprentice?
You all know Nick is quitting, right? Too sad.
Karren says very nice things to Bianca and everyone claps. There follows a montage of Karren’s zingers. Oh god, they’re going to do one for Nick, aren’t they? And we’ll all cry.
I should mention that the week after the board game challenge, my friend Ali came for a drink and bought me an actual sexist board game just like the other team designed that week. It’s just as awful with just as many offensive questions. All the MAN questions are about guns and football and all the WOMEN ones are about baking and shoes. It’s actually a lot of fun.
Solomon’s shame is next. Dara picks out his board game shame. Can they please make him act out an angry beach. Now is the time, surely. Now be shy in space, says Dara. This isn’t a board game, it’s a GOLDEN TV format.
Romesh’s highlight was James’ input on the coach trip which basically consisted of him telling people, “I’d give it ten minutes” because the toilet stank and then leading an appalling sing-along. Great times.
She says, “I am who I am. I’m Ella Jade,” like she’s the Bishop of Southwark.
Oh there’s Ella Jade who wasn’t in the final because of a family bereavement. Dara reminds her that Fat Daddy was her fault, rubbing her nose in it. Felipe takes the audience’s derision for his part in it.
Ella Jade’s best bits are set to Uptown Girl as she walks, slomo, along a businessy looking road.
You know on You’re Fired, the losing candidate always struts out with a new look? What’s Mark going to have done to his hair? Will he have shaved it off? Gone even bigger with the quiff?
Do you think the winner might now actually get more than three days to perfect their business plan? If I were Alan, I would probably insist on that.
Hmmm, this is interesting.
Hope that Climb Online is not Marks actual business name as http://t.co/TRxZfsUWm9 URL is already taken... #TheApprentice #Jokes
— Shelley Ford (@ShelleyFordPT) December 21, 2014
Where was Roisin tonight? Do some of them not get asked back or do some of them refuse to come back?
Dara’s insight into Daniel (ooh, there he is in the audience) is bang on. He makes all the noises of someone who is taking things on board, but he couldn’t be more tightly sealed, awareness-wise, if he’d been coated in cellophane wrapped in extra sellotape.
There now follows a recap of Bianca’s biggest cock-ups. My favourite is when she sold that geography board game exclusively to one shop, preventing anyone else in central London from buying it. If I was Lord Sugar, I’d have brought that up in the final analysis and sent her home with it ringing in her ears because really, that smacks of desperation/deep-seated daftness.
Bianca is now, with hindsight, saying she’ll probably now charge £7.99 for her tights because perhaps two tubes of synthetic mesh sewn together at the top might not be worth £20 after all. Too little, too late, Bianca.
On the panel, Dale the entrepreneur agrees that Bianca’s idea was good, but politely indicates that the packaging was, well, poop on stick. Bianca insists that, given time, the packaging will get a lot better.
Also on the panel, comedian Romesh and actor/comedian Ben Miller. Romesh says he’s probably an Amelia (True Skin) and Ben says he’s a Samantha. They have some fun with the packet.
Who had money on Mark then? I didn’t. I really thought the tights were un-ladderable. I still Bianca’s tights will become really popular with bank robbers, but just really rich ones, because tights that don’t ladder would be truly useful to this one demographic.
You're hired!
And so it’s over to Dara, but stay here if you still fancy a chat and a full dissection of the final result.
Bianca and her tights are walking to the cab rank. Wouldn’t it be poetic if she laddered her tights as she got into the cab?
Mark is clenching his fists and doing a jiggy dance of joy.
Will he go with the devil or the instinct? Devil = digital. Instinct = tights.
And..... MARK IS THE WINNER!
Mark basically says he’ll do nothing but work until Alan’s in profit. Bianca isn’t given a chance to come back on this, or if she is, it’s not in this edit.
Alan sums up. Bianca has a good idea but he’ll have to hold her hand during manufacture and he doesn’t want to do any actual work himself.
Mark, is breaking ground in a new world business but other than that, he’s got little to say. It’s like he can’t really come up with a clear choice. He sounds confused. I am confused.
Mark says Bianca’s target market is “only for females” and her tights will be in the bargain bin come January. They’re both so good at really politely squashing each other’s life’s work. It’s so fun.
The final dance
And so Alan begins his final tease as he sways between Bianca and Mark like a coiled Cobra, deciding which poor vole he’s going to poison and eat.
Bianca is talking a good game about sales margins, her suitability for this product launch and how Mark is great and everything but really, he’s talking through his hat.
The candidates leave.
Nick makes an impassioned plea for Bianca and so, for balance, Karren bigs up Mark and says he just needs a telephone. But I’ve seen what he did with a telephone when faced with Ricky Martin on Wednesday. Ricky hung up on him, plain and simple. Byeeeeeee.
Who is going to win. Predict!
Mark says his USP will be sending a sales person to a client’s office to brow-beat them in person. So much better than the incessant phone calls.
Alan warns them, “I am not Sugar bank” which has to be his least inarticulate zinger of the series so far. I think he means they can’t just keep tapping him for cash in their year of start-up.
Alan quizzes Mark on the logistics of his idea which seems to involve him paying a team of coders, coming in early in the morning, hammering away at their smoking keyboard. He says he could flog Bianca’s tights from a suitcase on Oxford Street. I’d pay to see that.
The final pleas
Now it’s just Bianca and Mark, begging for money like expensively-dressed Oliver Twists. Karren and Nick join Alan in flinging little wet-tissue splats of criticism as each of them.
They really don’t understand Bianca’s insistence on sticking with the high price point. (Gnnnph.) If Alan does end up investing in True Skin, he’s kind of talking us punters out of ever buying her millionaire’s tights.
So where are we? Who is winning on the pitch alone?
The quality/quantity argument is one that Bianca refuses to engage with. Alan says she’s basically going to have to provide 720 variations of her tights to cater for all skin tones. That does sound a bit far-fetched doesn’t it?
Bianca talks tights and Alan flicks through her colour chart, making the amusing observation that the “Karen” hue doesn’t match the real Karren.
Nick, now heading for the donkey sanctuary of broadcasting, full-time Countdown host - raises a smile at his enjoyment of the ladies’ legs while shadowing Bianca’s team. He deserves it after all of these years of sterling service.
Mark boasts that, at the end of his pitch, he wasn’t even using his notes. Sanjay is waving his pom-poms for Mark and James says he’s a “great guy”. Even Karren says he’s a good egg. But “good” isn’t usually enough is it?
James’ ignorance about ‘search engines’ is also laughed at. Alan’s got them all rolling in the aisles like he’s Michael McIntyre. He’s convinced he should have his own stand-up show. Stop encouraging him, toadies.
The day of judgement
The candidates sit in the boardroom with their glorious leaders. Alan makes a crack at Felipe about his skeleton cock-up. Everyone laughs like he just told the world’s funniest joke. It’s embarrassing. We’ll move on.
Alan gauges the mood in the room and still gives nothing away. The candidates get in their cars and go home. There is nothing more to be done.
This is the first time I’ve looked at Mark’s logo, the big orange and blue globe, lower case writing thing. It’s so uninspiring and impactful and about as memorable as a fart in a bath.
Mark leaves them with an analogy, “Let me be your front door.” I will attach a big knocker to my face and accept all your post through my wide mouth. Let me stand between you and your customers like a big bit of reinforced wood with a knob on.
Mark begins his pitch with a little nervous cough. OH NO.
And now here comes his video. Another little cough before it starts. Mark’s video looks a bit shit. Is that fair? I’ve seen a lot of these now and, despite the use of “current” music, it looks like a school project.
Mark’s pitch launches with the orange climbing condom men. Alan’s head is in his hands. Is this a double bluff because at the moment his body language says, “Jog on, Mark, you prize plum”.
Everyone claps and the True Skin pitch is at an end.
At this halfway point, do we think Alan wants a solid product or a digital thingy with no solid component at all? He can’t squeeze and sniff a digital marketing brand, can he?
One woman says £20 are a bit steep and she’ll pay £6. Another says there is a market gap but her promise to provide 240 separate variations is a bit stupid.
Legs march past her to Vogue and Alan looks at the table in front of him, giving nothing away. There was the hint of a smile though.
Bianca drops the price bomb. Her tights cost £20. Noses wrinkle. She throws it open to questions.
Darth Sugar is in the building. The teams are back stage, pooping themselves. Bianca’s pitch starts modestly with This Girl is On Fire by Alicia Keyes. She then launches into a passionate pitch about her lifelong struggle to find nice tights. It brings a tear to the eye, all those years in the wrong tights. It’s like the war.
It’s at times like this you really know that Bianca is 25.
James and Solomon think the best way to enhance Mark’s pitch is to dress in human condom suits and mime climbing a ladder. Yep, that is really driving the point home of the “climbing” concept. I think I get it. Yup.
Someone come up with two complimentary ladder puns for the tights/digital juxtaposition. I am too busy.
Mark is rehearsing his pitch at the venue and he is NOT doing well. As my pitching adviser - Jon - said a couple of weeks ago, Mark needs to breath properly. That’s it. If he doesn’t know it now, he’s never going to know it.
Bianca’s rehearsal is going fine but the industry, as Nick reminds us, are not going to go for her price point (gnnnph) or her shoddy packaging.
Lauren is still begging Bianca to reduce the price. She is refusing to go below £20. For tights. Do we sense that her belligerence is going to be her downfall? Do we sense that?
The teams are on the way to the pitch venue. Sarah is saying how she would hypnotise Mark into delivering a killer pitch. I forgot she was a hypnotherapist.
Day three
It’s the final day of the final task of the final of The Apprentice. Are you all still with me. Mark is thinking about how he choked so horribly last week during a pitch and really hoping that he doesn’t do it again. RELAX, Mark. For goodness sakes, PLEASE RELAX.
Bianca tells her team to basically feck off while she looks over the promo material because she doesn’t want their “opinions”. In stark contrast, Mark really appreciates Sanjay’s editing skills on his video.
Bianca’s team are pissed off. Lauren is vocalising her displeasure so that Nick, Karren and anyone else listening understand that this was a grave error.
Sanjay thinks Mark’s promo video would benefit with some added footage of Mark nodding. Yes, nodding is good. Body language-wise, nodding is preferable to head-shaking.
I really like the massively awkward site of Mark’s various promo actors, dangling from ropes and trying to deliver their lines over their shoulders while trying not to fall.
The rest of her team and tinting tights, presumably with cold tea. That’s what you use to age maps. It’s cheap and they could probably get a job lot from the Bridge Cafe in return for all that depressing tea in polystyrene cups they’ve drunk since the start of the series.
So Sarah and Solomon aren’t completely useless? Who knew? “I knew you had it in you, Sarah,” says Mark sounding totally disingenuous.
The use of Vogue by Madonna is give Bianca’s promo a real early 90s feel. I like it.
Sarah the unpopular and Solomon are pitching Climb Online to a hair and make-up academy. Did anyone else know this was even a thing that businesses spent money on? Crikey. Do I need a digital marketer? I feel like I’m missing out.
Bianca hunches over her smart phone, next to a load of legs, hearing her team’s truths pouring down the handset. She’s going to think about it. At least that’s something.
Mark’s team have pressed the randomiser button and decided to film next to a climbing wall. Because he really has chosen the name Climb Online. Mark is, once again, choking as they try to film his monologue.
Bianca is, despite original advice, going for a price point (why can’t they just say price?!) of £24. She’s having a laugh. What do her tights do that other tights don’t?
Her promotional video features Katie as director and Bianca spouting tights expertise next to a model. When they meet industry people, they are very responsive but they all do serious NO face when they hear the price. The packaging looks cheap. Oh dear me, no, Bianca. You have flown too close to the sun and your wings are all melting and shit.
Day two
It’s the next day and Bianca’s team get their tight’s branding package. She is naming her tights after girls. Shame, because I would sit up and take notice of a pair of tights called, say, Clive or Simon.
Bianca’s True Skin (god, I’m glad she didn’t knock the E off the word ‘true’) will feature a package covered in LEGS. Very appropriate for tights. Is she going to use her team’s input and then waltz off with the brand name? How does this work in terms of rights, going forward? Just wondering.
The discussion about Mark’s company name threw up briefly there the name Chlamydia, I’m sure it did. Perhaps Felipe’s accent confused me but I would like to say that Chlamydia is, I’m pretty sure, someone else’s brand already. Best to check.
The digital chaps are still asking randoms what they want from a digital marketer. Most people politely indicate that they would prefer digital marketers NOT to be there.
After talking to Wolford, Bianca thinks she should aim slightly below their price point. Good call seeing as the only people I know who wear Wolford tights are characters in films and novels who have limitless pretendy income. Twenty two quid for tights??! How many gussets do you get for that?
Bianca plans to offer 30 different colours in her range. And obviously, a range of different deniers. Which denier do you favour? In this weather I’m very much an 80 denier girl or I just cut straight to the woollen option.
Talk has turned to gussets at Team Tights. Someone is mooting the “two gusset” system. What in criven’s name does that involve? All I can think of is increased risk of yeast-based discomfort. I’m out.
Mark’s lot (Team Digital) are doing market research with shopkeepers, asking them what they want from a digital marketer. They all agree it’s “fewer sales calls”.
Lauren is being extremely northern about the price of tights. What if it gets a ladder? If a pair of £35 tights got a ladder I would want the ladder to be a magic gateway to a kingdom where tights grow on trees and are made of GOLD.
Meanwhile, Team Tights is trying to name the tights company. True Skin says Felipe, really immersing himself in the sensuality of the product. Mmmmm true skin.
I should really concentrate when Mark talks about his business. It’s my own personal task by the end of this episode to understand what the hell he is planning.
Solomon thinks he could call it Splash or Sponge. Simply put, Mark says no.
Daniel says he’s happy to be on Team Tights because he hates Mark. What a bitch Daniel can be. He seems to have sabotage and revenge on his mind.
Bianca’s tights will retail for £35 a pair. She is clearly planning to sell them to Kate Middleton and Elton John because no one else will be able to afford them.
Final task
Tonight it’s the full wammy. They have three days to come up with a complete launch plan for their proposed businesses. A presentation and promotional video are included which means more awful acting. Huzzah!
They’re picking teams from the old contestants and guess who is going to end up picked last like in PE? Yes it’s poor Sarah. Mark tries to soft soap her with that cheesy “beauty” line but everyone is unconvinced. Most of all, Sarah.
The Bloomsbuy Ballroom is a “leading venue for high profile events”. I have literally never heard of it. But then I’m not invited to many high profile events. Didn’t they get Tower Bridge one year? At least pick somewhere a bit more “London”.
Sugar requests that the final two meet him at the Bloomsbury Ballroom. Why didn’t Mark tell Bianca a different location? That would have shown real initiative. I basically want the final to be like Wacky Races or Road Runner. Paint a big tunnel on the side of a rockface and send your opponent the wrong way. That kind of thing. Far more entertaining.
Oh, let’s relive those horrific interviews again. Solomon’s willy thong, Claude all but throwing him out of the window. Roisin’s revelation of her secret food-eating expertise. Bianca’s tears. Alan’s finger keenly jabbing the air in front of those three crushed faces.
It’s just Bianca and Mark left. They have to pull every last cliche out the bag tonight. Every slot on your Apprentice bingo card is going down tonight. Get your big dobber ready because it’s going to see a lot of action.
Obviously, the ex-contestants are back tonight. Who are you most looking forward to seeing again? You know who I’m waiting for. Felipe Felipe Felipe!
The last recap
I like the studio framing device. I feel very much IN the audience. I am IN The Apprentice Final and I haven’t brought my business plan. I suddenly feel like I’m at my GCSE Latin exam and I haven’t ever been to a Latin lesson.
Right, sit down, line up your bowls of crisps and glasses of sherry/gin/pure ether. We are gong to watch the final of The Apprentice together and no one is leaving until it’s over. Let’s roll.
The beginning of the end
Welcome to the final of The Apprentice 2014 liveblog with festive bleedin’ bells on. I’ve laid on this extended holly and ivy-strewn blog which will span the FULL two hours of the show and aftermath, yes, including You’re Hired straight afterwards.
This is it, Alan fans. We, the faithful, will shortly be rewarded with two hours of straight business thrills as Bianca and Mark fight it out for the title of Apprentice Champion 2014.
And of course they’ll be joined by the ghosts of episodes past, former candidates trying desperately to hide their bitterness and jealousy as they “help” one or other of them launch the business they hope will get Alan’s big briefcase of money. But what is Alan’s fancy tonight? Will it be ladies tights or something something digital machiato hoo-har? (I’m sorry, Mark. I still have no idea what you do.)
While we wait for tonight’s final to start, why not enjoy this festive rib-tickler from The Job Post recruitment agency? It’s really something.
