BRIEF GLIMPSE OF NEXT WEEK TIME....
It’s the Mystery Item Treasure Hunt round! Woop woop!
“You basically just stole that diamond!”
It’s going to be a corker. See you then, folks.
In the Cab of Steely Determination, an unrepentant James basically recites the lyrics to Destiny Child’s I’m A Survivor.
CALLED IT! JAMES IS FIRED.
Lord Sugar isn’t fooled. This isn’t Notting Hill.
Dapper Laughs is canned for the second time this month.
I may have veered off from his actual words towards the end there.
But that was the gist, at least. It was actually quite moving.
Dapper Laughs gives his big redemptive speech.
“I’m in this big wide world on my own,” he says. “And the reason I’m here is because I want someone like yourself, who’s been there and done that, to take me under the wing, give me the guidance that I need, give me some direction. At the end of the day, I’m just a boy, standing in front of a man, asking him to love him.”
Dapps takes the bait, anyway. He’s going to bring back Sanjay and Roisin. Good luck, bro.
Instead, he rounds on Sanjay, who has, to be fair, been pretty anonymous this week, although it feels a bit like a desperate attempt to convince the viewer that anyone other than Dapper Laughs is going home.
Yep. Roisin assassinates James with a short list of simple facts.
But Lord Sugar is sympathetic. He says he’s told similar lies himself.
“All I’m hearing is James, James, James, James, really,” says Lord Sugar, who seems determined not to do the obvious, sensible thing in this situation and fire the utter prat in front of him.
In the Cafe Of Overt Reproach, James still insists his lie was a good move. Roisin, meanwhile, is swearing to camera that she won’t let him get away with his mistakes.
This is going to be explosive.
Pretty sure the hatbag was the breakout star of this episode...
The results are in...
Team Dapper Lies sold £4,000 of lawnmowers and about £1,000 of nick-nacks, for a total of just under £5,000.
Team Daniel Sulking sold just £500 of debut products but £30,000 of hot tubs, for a total of more or less just the second figure.
Let’s see if our pick-up-slash-something-else artist can boost morale out of this one.
GENUINELY QUITE GOOD LORD SUGAR ZINGER ALERT!
“On your application, you say that people call you ‘Del Boy’. I think they’re wrong, I think you’re Trigger. He was the one who called Rodney ‘Dave’ all the time.”
Pop it in the scrapbook, folks.
Dapper Lies, meanwhile, takes flak for overruling his team’s decision about which products they should take to market. Then - and this is gloriously brazen - he repeats his lie to Lord Sugar, pretending he never wanted the hot tub and always wanted to spend the day hawking lawnmowers. You know, because morale.
Uh oh. Bombshell. “James, please tell the truth,” says Roisin. His web of idiocy unravels. “The reason why is - in business - sometimes businessmen make mistakes.” Eh? What? Ah! And now the truth: he “called the guy Derek - twice - instead of Anthony”.
Felipe’s team come through Lord Sugar’s slapdash scrutiny without too much damage.
The boardroom...
Tense music. Daniel looking spiteful. An atmosphere of mistrust and uncertainty...
Mark and Katie have just sold seven hot tubs!
It was anyone’s game but now it’s very much theirs. That didn’t last long, did it?
That said, the editors have been very canny and not shown us them closing the deal. If that one fell through, we’ll find out in the boardroom.
Dapper Lies has sold a lawnmower!
It’s anyone’s game now.
“Mid-afternoon - for both teams,” says the narrator, for the benefit of viewers unfamiliar with the concept of time.
There really could be, you know. Because over on the other team, Daniel has gone full-on saboteur. He’s had a tantrum and wants to go and sell a hot tub. “Just hang up on him,” says Mark. I’d normally say something sarky about Mark’s approach to conflict resolution here but Daniel’s being such a pain I’m with him all the way. If anything, someone should nick Daniel’s phone and lock him in a portable toilet somewhere.
Dapper Lies still hasn’t sold a lawnmower. It’s almost as if countryfolk don’t want to buy complex machinery off a pick-up artist.
Oh, but now he has. Or rather Roisin has. Maybe there’s hope for this team yet.
Here’s the latest from Lord Sugar...
On the country side I think the Badgers have brighter future than Felipe and Daniel selling those handbags
— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) November 26, 2014
Daniel and Felipe try and fail to hawk their bike trailers and hat bags. They bicker, snipe and generally seethe passive-aggression. If you were there, you’d cross the road to avoid their stall, even if it wasn’t selling truly abhorrent bags made of flat caps.
Mark and Katie have sold a hot tub! To a man who came to this fair to buy a hot tub! Genius!
Bianca, Solomon and Sanjay now have the unenviable task of selling the hanging pyramid chair (presumably to people who’ve always longed to suspend themselves from wooden pyramids alone) and the foldable wellies (presumably to people who somehow don’t know you can fold most pairs of wellies). No one, unsurprisingly, wants either.
Meanwhile, Team Cancelled ITV Lothario are, well, less excited. DapLaffs insists that no one questions his obvious stupid lie. The others, who have clearly worked it out, smirk and roll their eyes. And also, perhaps, relax a little, since Dap’s now pretty much guaranteed to lose his second job in a month if they lose the task.
The big day...
And, surprisingly, it’s Team Passion - that’s Mark, Felipe, Katie and Daniel - who are the ones with high morale, despite not having a transparent flimsy lie to lift their spirits.
There’s trouble in paradise, however. Mark and Daniel are butting heads over who should be joining Katie in the hot tub sales role, and Felipe demonstrates all the leadership skills of a startled cat by siding with Mark for no better reason than that Daniel is a bit less scary. There’s one of our Key Events ticked off then.
Anyway, instead “James” claims he changed his mind and went for the lawn mowers. His team are baffled, suspicious and unimpressed. As in the phrase “I’m baffled and suspicious but I’ve never had such high morale!”
Dapper Laughs doesn’t want to tell his team that they didn’t get the hot tubs. You know, he says, for morale. Because nothing boosts morale like inane, pointless lies.
Roisin suggests the truth might also work quite well.
“That might be your advice,” he snaps back, “but what do I want to do? Today it’s important what I want to do, innit?”
Does that count as a neg? Or is it just being a dick?
Ah - and here’s where he went wrong...
“One small negative, which I thought you should know,” says Mr Hot Tub. “You did actually call me Derek when my name is Anthony.”
“Well, at the end of the day, sod him,” says Dapper Laughs. “If that’s what’s really going to matter to him - about a name - then I don’t want to work for him anyway.”
Yes, there’s nothing worse than someone who insists on being called by their own name.
Katie’s bagged the hot tubs for Team Summit! She’s literally jumping for joy, bless her. Daniel’s so happy he’s done a little sprint and a tiny little jump. Bless him. Bless them both. I’m rooting for these two. I can feel the passion.
Dapper Laughs is not going to be happy, mind.
So sorry I only just brought you this now...
Filipe thinks the willies are good ( wellies )
— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) November 26, 2014
Ah, and now both teams have found a hot tub salesman, and are competing for the chance to sell hot tubs. “James” reckons he’s closed the deal - but Katie gave a good pitch too. This feels pivotal.
“Daniel is trying to be enthusiastic but he’s coming across as very pushy,” says Karen.
You could comfortably swap ‘pushy’ in that sentence for creepy, stupid, confused or drunk.
Well, here we are at the show. Sheep, old men, country folk, wellies, etc. It’s time for the teams to pick an established product to hawk on behalf of someone else - and convince the seller that they should have the privilege of doing so.
Team Summit, meanwhile, have opted for the hat bags and the bicycle seat. This could go either way.
Overruled!
Dapper Laughs has listened to his team on the ground and then ignored them. They want the pet tracker and the bike trailer. He wants to make an arbitrary decision about a selection of items he hasn’t even seen. He tells them to go with the stupid hanging chair for one and the wobbly wellies, and that’s that.
“James,” says Bianca, “It’s the opposite of what we’ve suggested.”
“I think I’ve gone for the right things,” he says.
Incidentally, I’m pretty sure pick-up artist rule number one is: “Women like a man who takes charge in the most moronic fashion possible.”
Flat. Cap. Handbags.
I'm from the Actual North and this is destroying my soul.
Now half of each team is off choosing ‘debut’ products to hawk to the people of Bath and / or West.
Options include: a seemingly useless “gutter-cleaning robot”; a one-seater chair suspended in a large wooden pyramid, at a price of £500; a pair of “foldable wellies”; a pet-tracking device; a “vintage tweed flatcap hangbag”, comprised of two hats sewn together; a self-flushing cat box (which even these idiots have the sense to move swiftly past); and a bicycle trailer for children.
Team Summit, meanwhile, line up unanimously behind team leader Dapper Laughs.
“I’m not going to mess about, I’m here for one reason,” says James, which is word-for-word what he was saying on ITV three weeks ago.
“I am who I am and I always put my balls on the line.” Not helping his case here, is he?
Team Tenacity may not have Dapper Laughs in their ranks but they’ve done him proud here. Mark and Daniel choose to ignore Katie as the lads rally round to appoint Felipe team leader for no reason whatsoever.
“Well done,” says Daniel, as if being picked ahead of a woman for a leadership position by a panel of two other men is some sort of heroic against-the-odds triumph. Someone buy the film rights now!
Those teams again...
Team Summit - Bianca, “James”, Solomon, Roisin and Sanjay
Team Tenacity - Mark, Felipe, Daniel and Katie
And we're off!
Lord Sugar does his best Game of Thrones audition:
“I’m sending you west, to Somerset, to the Royal Bath and West Show.”
The challenge: each team will be selling one item already on sale at the fair and two debut products that there’s probably no demand for whatsoever.
Or better yet:
- Proof that “James” IS actually widely-hated ITV misogynist Dapper Laughs.
- Someone bullying Mark for once.
- Solomon doing nothing as usual.
Things to look out for this week:
- Proof that “James” isn’t actually widely-hated ITV misogynist Dapper Laughs.
- Mark bullying someone into doing what he wants them to do as usual.
- Solomon. This could be the week he does something for once.
Lord Sugar has this Twitter thing DOWN...
I will be tweeting some extra comments during the show tonight join in from 9 pm
— Lord Sugar (@Lord_Sugar) November 26, 2014
We’ll bring you those “extra comments” as fast as we can, of course.
How be on, folks? Tonight Lord Sugar sends his idiot squads out of town to the biggest country fair of them all, the Royal Bath & West Show. Their task: to bother and cajole the good people of Somerset into handing over some hard-earned cash. Expect soft vowels, hard sells and a bucketload of cringes. And, if we’re very, very lucky, somebody might get fired.
Come join me just before 9pm for gleeful mockery and not much else.
Inspired by the hatbag I've been going through my grandad's possessions looking for things I can turn into ironic accessories. I've made a hat out of some high waisted underpants.