RIFFIN’, BE-BOPPIN’ AND SCATTIN’ ON LIVERPOOL’S PAIN
A Dickensian scene last night at Anfield, as The Apparition Formerly Known As Steven Gerrard belted a free-kick into the top-left corner of the net. The pearler proved a ghostly reminder of Christmas past, when the real Steven Gerrard hoyed one into the same goal against Olympiakos, and Liverpool went on to win Big Cup. But this time it was all for naught, as Basel/Basle/Baaarrrrlll held on for the draw that knocked The Apparition and his nine mortal team-mates out of the same competition. Now the redmen face a blue Christmas, outside in the snow, noses pressed up against the window looking in, as everyone else stands by the roaring fire ripping turkey flesh from the bone and snorkeling mulled wine like there’s no tomorrow. Which there isn’t for Liverpool, not in Big Cup anyway.
It’s guaranteed to be a blue Christmas for Manchester City as well, however tonight’s match at Roma pans out. Should City record their first-ever victory on Italian soil, they’ll make it through to the Round of Arsenal for the second year in a row, continuing their slow, steady improvement in Europe. Happy holidays, then, to be celebrated with club-approved City co-ordination: cobalt tinsel, a pint of curacao syrup, Santa in sapphire strides, and so on. However if the evening doesn’t go their way, it’s a yuletide of woe, depression and misery, all of which are also coloured blue. That final one might be the Official Manchester City State Of Consciousness, now we come to think about it. But we digress.
City hope to avoid feeling the OMCSOC, even though their own Luis Suárez figure, the one-man team that is Sergio Agüero, fell victim to knee-knack after 120 seconds of action against Everton last Saturday. Edin Dzeko is prepared to step into a big pair of little shoes. “I’m there when the team needs me,” he says, which isn’t quite true as he’s been injured for a month, but you get his general point. “Now I’m back I’ll do my best to try and score the goals and bring something good to the team.”
Meanwhile City are also expected to be able to call on injury worries Vincent Kompany, David Silva and Stevan Jovetic. If these lads help City make it through, expect a few cheery, spirited, festive choruses of Ding Dong Merrily On High. If not, may we suggest a burst of Bob Dorough and Miles Davis’s be-bop carol Blue Xmas? “When you’re blue at Christmastime / You see right through / All the waste, all the sham, all the haste / And plain old bad taste.” Which probably applies more to Liverpool’s current situation and recent attempts at squad building, but City chose this colour and they’ll have to live with it.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The FA understands the importance of football clubs to their local communities and will continue to work with all relevant parties to ensure senior football returns to Hereford at the earliest opportunity” – our commiserations to fans of the Bulls, whose club has been banned from all football activity by FA suits.
OUR NEW LOOK (AKA, SELF-FLAGELLATION DEPT)
Big Website’s football and sport pages have a new look. Check them out for yourself, read about the design changes, and then queue up, flaming pitchforks in hand, to complain here.
FIVER LETTERS
“This year, poor Stephen Caulker has been relegated with Cardiff, mistaken for a cheese thief, and wrongly accused of suffering Christmas-party-ruckus-head-knack. But, considering he could still be a Spurs defender, I bet he considers this an annus mirabilis” – Craig Fawcett.
“Dear Fiver, after Liverpool’s Big Cup exit last night please could you send me a copy of Football Manager 2014 instead of the 2015 STOP FOOTBALL version? Come back Moyes, I miss you” – Simon Withey.
“I wonder how many fans of U2’s Joshua Tree album (and maybe earlier work), who now like to throw things at the telly whenever Bono appears on it, would like to counter David Wall’s valid analogy of Leicester City fans (yesterday’s Fiver letters)” – Jordan Glossop.
“Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed the new section, Our New Look (AKA, Self-Flagellation Dept). I mean, I didn’t read any of the explanation of the design changes, but the complaints section was hugely entertaining and informative. Finally you’ve cracked it! Keep up the good work, etc” – Susie Geddes.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Craig Fawcett, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got enough copies to see us through to the end of the week, so keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Former Newcastle striker Faustino Asprilla has been forced to leave his hometown of Tulua in Colombia after being threatened by gangs. “They were four [men] in two cars … they threatened me, they told me to contact their chief because if I didn’t they would kill my family and me, I had to leave my own land as a victim of extortion by a group of anti-socials,” he said.
Emmanuel Adebayor will miss Tottenham’s Big Vase clash with Besiktas due to personal issues.
Chris Smalling has suffered groin-yowch! to join Luke Shaw and Phil Jones in a queue outside the Manchester United Infirmary for Young Defenders.
Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey has removed the bushel from in front of his light to roar that his Big Cup goal against Galatasary was the best he has ever scored. “I have just seen it back, and I thought it was a lot closer, but it was quite far out and definitely my best goal now,” he unhumblebragged.
And Peruvian player João Contreras has survived lightning-yowch! after being struck during a Copa Peru match. An assistant referee and several fans were also treated for shock.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Spicy sea rover James Horncastle on the misery in Milan.
STILL WANT MORE?
It was always going to be dangerous writing a Knowledge column on footballers’ Christmas parties while the footballer Christmas party season was ongoing, so Barry Glendenning has got this one out quickly before any more of them can “slip over”.
The Chinese politburo, red taffeta suits, polka dot tuxedos, Him and Lionel Messi all crop up in Marina Hyde’s latest column.
Thirty years on from Maradona’s Hand of God, the two officials involved are still blaming each other for it, writes Metodi Shumanov.
How the most successful coach of Colombia’s most successful team learnt his trade by renting a room in a house opposite Liverpool’s training ground and spying on Gérard Houllier. Honestly. Carl Worswick has the tale.
Landon Donovan should be admired for not playing until his legs fell off, reckons Josie Becker.
If the answer is record competition appearance-holders Auckland City, what is the question? Read this to work it out.
Win! Win! Win! Win (home) tickets to West Brom v Aston Villa this weekend.
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