STICKY TIMES
Roberto Martínez is 41 but it is believed that his seventh birthday party is still in progress somewhere in Catalonia, where a gaggle of bearded, straggly-haired and desperately weary guests have not yet reached the end of the Byzantine game of Pass the Parcel designed by their host. Of course, Martínez himself had to retire early from that game in order to give interviews to his school magazine, the parish bulletin, a pair of chatty hairdressers and everyone in the area with a functioning public address system, which, as it turned out, amounted to two stationmasters and a popular ice cream man, Señor Flake.
In each interview Martínez exuded his usual positivity. Indeed, if you were to ask him even now about the epic ongoing parcel circulation at his childhood home, he would no doubt hail the character of his haggard former playmates, who have remained committed to a passing philosophy even after layer after layer after layer after after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer after layer of unwrapped paper revealed just another layer of paper.
Or maybe not. Maybe some long-suffering, middle-aged Spanish version of Romelu Lukaku has finally had a word with Martínez. The Belgian sometime goal-getter, you see, has disclosed that he and several of his Everton team-mates banded together during the half-time break in Tuesday’s night FA Cup tryst with West Ham to plead with the manager to allow them to get to the point more quickly. “We all said to the manager: ‘Can we play a bit more direct sometimes?’” explained Lukaku, who as a result of the tweaked tactics hit a late equaliser against West Ham to end a streak of four defeats in a row for Everton. “We have a style of play where we keep the ball a lot but knew we needed to take more responsibility, play to my strengths more, and they did it perfectly,” added the striker.
While some see Lukaku’s revelation as evidence of rising dissedence against Martínez, the manager himself views it as a good thing. That is no surprise from a guy who could probably find positives amid the annihilation of earth by fire-breathing extra-terrestrial monsters but, in fairness, an ability to assimilate pertinent recommendations from underlings is a trait of a shrewd manager, whereas an inability to do so is a trait of the Fiver editor. “I’m always talking with the players and we try to prepare game to game and we always share a lot of information,” chirped Martínez, who stressed that he and his players are in regular consultation. It is surely only a matter of time before someone dares to put forward the notion of not defending like Martínez’s Wigan any more.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What the British papers wrote about my son smoking under the shower after Southampton game, this is b0llocks. It doesn’t surprise me as they are known for making stuff up. I have heard Wojciech smokes sometimes but he’s not that stupid to smoke in the dressing room” – Wojciech Szczesny’s dad sticks up for his lad, while also taking a pop at Per Mertesacker, saying the Arsenal defender shows “the agility of a rhinoceros”.
FIVER LETTERS
“I enjoyed JT McWoosh’s tale of supporter flaggery in Tuesday’s Fiver. I used to work at a paper merchants and had access to many reams of blue and white paper. I got a sizeable amount of each, chopped them up into tiny, uniform squares and placed them all into a large bag, which I took to a Blackeye Rovers away game (I can’t remember where, but it was an upstairs stand). I waited patiently for the right moment and the Rovers duly obliged, scoring a goal. In celebration I dumped the bag of paper squares over the safety rail, expecting a shimmering paper mirage dancing in the wind. Sadly I had seriously misjudged the weight of the paper used and it dropped in a lump, flutter free, directly to the stand below where a home fan toed it curiously with his foot. So very disappointing” – Marten Allen.
“I was one of those AFC Wimbledon fans singing ‘we support our local team’ on Monday (Fiver letters passim), and at that time I briefly wondered if that was correct, since I do indeed live in Wimbledon, rather than Kingston. But then we started singing ‘we’ve got a crowd surfing womble’ and I forgot all about it” – James Bolton.
“Delighted to read a rebuttal of the notion that only folks within some Bow Bells of SW19 are Dons fans. I write to you from the Andes of Argentina, Mendoza to be precise, Malbec country, where assorted family members parked ourselves in front of the box to witness Adebayo Akinfenwa’s heroics the other evening against Liverpool. Indeed, delighted to report for you that the Beast featured this week in La Nación, Argentina’s equivalent of Big Paper, Adebayo hailed as the only football player weighing more than the combined kilos of gaucho and horse. My eldest son Mark, who as a five-year-old joined me at Wembley back in 1988 for the Crazy Gang triumph, watched from his home in Berkeley, California, such is the dedication to the cause. Quite simple, really. The Dons, back then and now, represent The Struggle, la Lucha as we say hereabouts, not the sad antics of lads earning £300,000 a week who can’t be bothered to sign a kid’s autograph book. On a visit to Kingsmeadow last year, for the opening-day visit of mighty Shrewsbury Town, what a pleasure to see our fans remembering who we are and whence we come. $tevie Mbe should be so lucky to have tasted our hallowed ground before he departs for Hollywood ! Sorry, $tevie, but Vinnie Jones beat you to it” – David Smith.
“Hmmm … yesterday’s Fiver had the following quote from Dante: ‘This doesn’t make me laugh and when someone doesn’t laugh, it means they are annoyed’. Probably a good job he doesn’t read the Fiver then” – Tom Murray-Rust.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Marten Allen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Oldham have pulled out of a move to sign Ched Evans, who has, for the first time, apologised for the “effects that night in Rhyl has had on many people, not least the woman concerned”.
Sepp Blatter says he’s happy to be challenged by Jordan’s Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein as it’ll make this year’s election win look more credible than 2011’s. “I can only rejoice in this nomination,” he transparencied. “We are a democracy.”
Headstrong Legia Warsaw nipper Krystian Bielik has sized up Arsenal and Roma, and chosen Arsenal. “I’ve made a decision, and I’m not going to change it,” he cheered.
Xherdan Shaqiri is off to Inter; Burnley have signed Michael Keane full-time; and Jermain Defoe is back training at old club Spurs to build up fitness. Hull, Leicester, QPR and Sunderland are behind the bushes.
Hamilton player-manager Alex Neil isn’t Hamilton’s player-manager any more after the 33-year-old told players he’s off to join Norwich. “Everybody is a bit flat and a bit disappointed,” sobbed defender Mikey Devlin.
$tevie Mbe says he’s not going to LA Galaxy “for a holiday” and plans to win trophies and matches and etc and so on.
Aston Villa defender Ron Vlaar faces transfer-gah after being ruled out for up to six weeks with knee-knack.
American banker Robert Sarver has upped his £18m Pope’s Newc O’Rangers bid to £20m, including a short-term loan.
And Mario Balotelli racked up €10,000 in speeding fines between 2012 and 2013. Corriere della Sera say he notched his 18 fines in cars including a black Audi R8, a Porsche Spyder and a rented red Ferrari.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Listen to the latest edition of Football Weekly Extra, with AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, John Ashdown and moody sea-marauder James Horncastle.
STILL WANT MORE?
James Riach ventured into north-east London to find out how David Beckham and Harry Kane’s old club, Ridgeway Rovers, saved themselves from extinction.
Thirty-nine but still full of beans, Bobby Charlton signed for the League of Ireland’s Waterford United in 1976. Conor Patric Heffernan explains what happened next.
The best of $tevie Mbe, 36,000 keepy-uppies and a triple save that came to nothing: it’s this week’s Classic YouTube.
Lionel Messi has started following Chelsea on Instagram! Carles Puyol (and a club suit) have left the club! Barcelona have brought their elections forward! Just what is going on? Sid Lowe has some answers for you.
Changing attitudes point towards a brighter future for North Korea as the Asian Cup approaches, writes John Duerden.
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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