RED YAWN
So it turned out that there were more entertaining ways to spend a Monday evening – that black stuff that seems to be creeping into the grouting round the bathroom taps isn’t going to clean itself and who knows when you’ll next have chance to alphabetise your tinned goods. The titanic clash at Anfield was a joyless, goalless affair, failing to disappoint only those for whom anticipation is merely the amuse-bouche of misery. And we all know who’s to blame.
Not Jürgen Klopp, of course, despite his Liverpool side displaying all the poise, composure and passing ability of a zoo on fire for much of the contest. No, José Mourinho, he’s the one. He’s the coward that set up his Manchester United team to nullify the league’s form side on their own turf. He’s the spoiler. He’s the one who ruined Monday Night Football, the evening that has given us timeless classics already this season like Burnley 2-0 Watford and Sunderland 0-3 Everton. There is no gibbet high enough from which to string him.
Now, usually The Fiver, contrary beast that it is, would happily defend Mourinho for the remainder of its four-or-five-paragraphs-or-the-minimum-we-can-get-away-with. But he doesn’t half make it hard. There’d have been some credit in coming out afterwards with a little smirk and a ton of braggadocio and pointing out that the game had gone almost exactly to his masterplan, that United were a work-in-progress but had got exactly what they came for against a side who were supposed to wipe the floor with them. But no. Post-match Mourinho took a leaf out of Donald Trump’s playbook of criticism deflection. “Yes, I said bad things but look at what Bill Clinton did,” became: “Yes, we had our lowest possession percentage since Opta began compiling statistics in 2003 but look at what Liverpool did with their 65%.” The José continued: “How many shots on target did Liverpool have on target today? Two. Two shots on target with 65% of possession, you have to be critical of Liverpool. It is their problem, not our problem.”
And the general sense that Mourinho had set up United to prevent free-flowing attacking trendsetters Liverpool from being free-flowing attacking trendsetters Liverpool? Couldn’t be further from the truth, reckoned Mourinho. In fact, Klopp had prevented free-flowing attacking trendsetters Liverpool from being free-flowing attacking trendsetters Liverpool. “They played [Emre] Can and [Jordan] Henderson for some reason and they did that for 90 minutes when they normally project more players in attack,” trumped Mourinho. “They were very cautious.”
Credit where credit is due, José. It was awful. Own it.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s a society thing. I don’t like the amount of time people spend on their phones around the football club. [The players] don’t talk and then they expect to go into an environment where you have to talk and it will just happen. I think all of us, we’re all guilty. We get lost in this technology world now and we forget the actual core values of human beings” – Mansfield manager Adam Murray sees Pep Guardiola and raises him by banning his players from using phones at the club.
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FIVER LETTERS
“People hail Pep Guardiola as a tactical genius but would he have ever thought of getting two full-backs and two wing-backs into the same formation as José Mourinho did last night?” – Matt Keeler.
“Re: expanding the World Cup (Fiver letters passim). India v Indonesia in Indianapolis? Or stretching this to the infamous 39th game, a few of these could take place in New York state: West Ham v West Brom in Westchester? Southampton v Northampton in Midhampton? Think the only place for Sunderland v Hull is the Championship, though” – Ian Sargeant.
“Is Derby County’s new/old manager now Second Chance Steve? I know it’s been over a week since he was appointed, but I figured you wouldn’t mind being on the receiving end of some less-than-timely attempts at humour for a change” – Neil Goodall.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ian Sargeant.
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BITS AND BOBS
Merstham look nailed on for a valuable TV outing after drawing Oxford United at home in the FA Cup first round, while ninth-tier Westfields landed a home tie with Curzon Ashton. “Getting this far is a huge bonus,” cheered the Hereford club’s Andy Morris. “We have earned enough money so far to get us through this season and keep us going into next season.”
In further feelgood news, Manchester City trousered a record £391.8m – a profit of £20.5m – in 2015-16.
Real Madrid have extended Luka Modric’s contract until 2020.
Internazionale insist their Ultras-bothering forward Mauro Icardi will remain as captain. Unsurprisingly, the Ultras aren’t having any of it. “Icardi is not our captain, not now or ever,” sniffed a statement. “Inter need us.”
And Arsène Wenger claims he never thought about ushering Theo Walcott out of the Emirates door marked Do One over the summer. “I was not ready to let him go,” he swooned. “I always wanted to keep him. What I’ve seen of him is that he lets the passion for the game come out of his body. That’s what you want from him.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Claudio Ranieri’s Be Here Now moment, Bob Bradley’s comedy buddy movie hit potential and Richard Scudamore in meltdown – all are crowbarred expertly into David Squires’ cartoon on the return of the best league in the world.
“I never wanted to be a football manager,” humble-brags Bayer Leverkusen boss Roger Schmidt as he and his team prepare to lock horns with Tottenham in Big Cup.
Talking of Big Cup, Martin Laurence of Who Scored? is on hand to tell you where this week’s big games will be won and lost.
You want to read more about Liverpool v Manchester United, don’t you? Oh. Ah.
The draw for next year’s Africa Cup of Nations in Gabon takes place on Wednesday, but political unrest following August’s presidential elections is casting a shadow, reports Jonathan Wilson.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn reckons MPs failed to hit the target when they grilled FA suits in parliament. He explains why here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
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