As everyone in the whole wide world touches up their lipstick, holds on to the edge of their seat and waits eagerly for the - but just in case you're not up to date with all the latest news from the biggest "small private wedding exclusive to OK magazine that hasn't actually happened yet" of the year - here are just some of the expected highlights.
Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin. Photograph: Dave M. Benett / Getty Images
OK, who are the only people who really know anything about the shebang, say that Coleen has assured them that the party will be 'explosive', the guests 'dazzling', and the wedding dress 'a sight to behold'.
Ah ha! So what's being suggested there, clearly, is that the whole thing may result in a massive explosion, the guests, who will be fed liquid hydrogen all afternoon will light up like supernovas in cocktail dresses, and the gown will end up splattered with shards of diamonds and bone. And stuff.
No, that's probably not the case at all, is it? It's just going to be a nice, shiny, pretty wedding. That was a conjecture too far. My compliments to the bride and groom.
So. Coleen, apparently, will be wearing a dress. We're not quite sure what kind of dress, but we're betting on 'a big meringue' and quite pale in colour. Whatever she ends up looking like, we can only hope it isn't Wayne's embarrassing cousin's guess. To be fair, it's not a bad dress, but she'd have to shave her head, gain five stone and eighteen tattoos to complete the look, and I just don't think there's time before the ceremony.
Because, let's face it, it's started already. Or kind of. They've had to go and register their intent to marry in the area with the mayor, which has been interpreted variously as exchanging vows, actually getting married and it all being over bar the shouting.
Of which there will be a lot, by the way, with not only Westlife, who cost a surprising £400,000 per performance (apparently they just show up and start singing in random places, that's what you have to pay them to stop) and a humble pub singer from Manchester. Yes! It's Morrissey! No, it's not, it's some bloke called Wayne who does Stevie Wonder covers. Bless him.
The cloak of secrecy weighs heavy upon the little people, but they try their best to keep their end up by being very subtle. It's possible, says one quality broadsheet, that a certain two locations have been fixed for the nuptials. And from the quote buried at the bottom, you can almost see where they've sniffed that out from. "We have been asked to keep Villa Durazzo free for a wedding service for two British citizens" a source told the Telegraph ... well yes, yes, that certainly could be them, I suppose, but of course they have to keep it very hush hush so they can't be more explicit than that, and ... "one of whom is a famous footballer." Oh, yes. That sounds like our golden couple, then.
But WILL it be there? The Mail at present has a picture of the very superyacht (second picture) that the couple have hired to exchange their "wedding vowels" (don't blame me, it's their caption, not mine).
So once they have exchanged their vowels, what then? Well then comes the greater task. That of the media trying to figure out how to most nattily shorten their name. The Rooneys is the obvious choice ... perhaps TOO obvious. What about Colweene? Wayleen? Colwayweenenoo?
I like it. I'm sticking with that.
