A is for ALCOHOL: Watching footy is thirsty work.That raises the question of who invented "Ocsober", knowing it clashes with the grand final? Probably the same miserable so-and-so who tried to ruin State of Origin with "Dry July". Bugger that for a joke. Whose shout is it, anyway?
B is for BUBBLE: A Draconian world in which NRL players are segregated from mainstream society, kept under house arrest and released only for training sessions and games. As for the Panthers, will their bubble burst in the biggest game of the year?
C is for CORONA: A refreshing beer made in Mexico, traditionally served ice cold in a bottle with a sliver of lemon or lime. Also the name of a nasty disease that you can apparently catch from eating bats that are past their use-by date.
D is for DISTANCING: As in social. Much as giving each other a wide berth is to be encouraged, if the Panthers allow Ryan Papenhuyzen 1.5 metres of space tomorrow, he'll be in between the sticks.
E is for ENIGMA: Every team has one. A bloke who either wins the GF single-handedly or stinks it up big time and imbeciles himself at a defining moment. Cameron Munster is the Storm's mystery bet. Josh Mansour for the Pennies.
F is for FAASUAMALEAUI: Melbourne bench forward, widely referred to by commentators as "big Tino", for some reason.
G is for GRAPPA: Italian restaurant in Leichhardt. Popular with the high flyers of Sydney society. Not so popular with South Sydney coach Wayne Bennett, whose bubble-breaching plate of spag bol ended up costing 20 grand.
H is for HANKY: As in bush. A traditional technique for clearing the nasal passages by placing a finger over one nostril and exhaling forcefully. Frowned upon in a COVID-19 world but still apparently de rigueur on any NRL field.
I is for ICEBOX: Also known as an esky, or man's best friend. There is only one thing worse than the bloke who arrives at your grand final barbie, asking to put his grog in the fridge. And that's his mate who arrives with no beer and proceeds to drink the host's.
J is for JAROME: As in Luai. "J" is also for Jahrome, as in Hughes. Opposing playmakers with a fierce rivalry over the correct spelling of their Christian names.
K IS FOR KNIGHTS: Who are the only team Penrith haven't beaten this season? That's right, Newcastle. True story. So if the Panthers win the grand final, the Knights are officially joint premiers.
L is for LOCKDOWN: A last resort around the world after someone eats a dodgy bat and then social-distancing measures are ignored. Also what happens when the player wearing No.13 suffers an injury that requires on-field treatment.
M is for MEXICANS: A colloquial term used for residents of Melbourne, even though, by all accounts, they are no great fans of Corona.
N is for NEVILLE: As in Nobody. A term of endearment for low-profile players who are quiet achievers. Grand finals are the perfect day for Nevilles to make a name for themselves, such as Neville Costigan with the Dragons in 2011 or Neville Glover at Parramatta in 1976.
O is for OFFICIALS: As in referees, touch judges and the video-review bunker. Easily identifiable by their labradors and canes. Also known as scapegoats.
P is for PLAGUE: As in bubonic. Also known as COVID-19. A deadly contagion that has decimated the world but not the greatest game of all, which has proceeded safely inside its biosecurity bubble.
Q is FOR QUEUE: Punters pay vast sums to line up at the turnstiles and wait for overpriced, unhealthy food, watery beer, or to reach a toilet. Then when it's all over, they queue for trains home or to pay for parking. This year, sadly, social distancing means the game-day queues will be only half as much fun.
R is for RETIREMENT: What is a grand final without some busted-up old legend pulling on his boots for the last time? Think Pricey and the Crow. Mal Meninga. Roycey Simmons. Will Cameron Smith be joining them? Or will he be still playing when he's in a retirement community?
S is for SIX-AGAIN: Two words that have revolutionised the NRL this year and haunted referee Ben Cummins since last season's grand final.
T is for TIKTOK: A social media app that entices footy players to ignore social-distancing regulations and dance with groupies.
UNDERDOGS: Everyone wants this tag, because accepted logic is that underdogs have nothing to lose. Except the grand final. "U" is also for upset, something the underdogs are aiming to achieve. Although they won't be too upset if they don't, if that makes any sense.
V is for V'LANDYS: As in Saint Peter. The great man. He not only single-handedly saved the 13-man code from extinction, he renamed it rugba league. Legend.
W if for WELCH: As in Christian. Rugged Melbourne prop. No matter what the scoreline or how fatigued he is, onward Christian soldiers.
X is for X-FACTOR: Players who score tries, entertain fans, sign huge contracts and leave the hard work to their teammates.
Y is for YEO: As in Isaah, Penrith's in-form lock. If Isaah scores on Sunday, his teammates will congratulate him with one of those crazy handshakes and say: "Yo bro, way to go, Yeo."
Z is for ZANE: As in Tetevano. Sacked by the Knights in disgrace in 2014. A possible three-time premiership winner in 2020. Who'd have thunk?
