Remember “The Rules”? Play hard to get. Never call him first. Laugh at all his jokes. This kind of 80s and 90s dating advice was designed to “catch” a man. The goal was to be mysterious, accommodating, and just the right amount of unavailable. Unfortunately, it’s also a perfect, step-by-step guide for attracting narcissists. In today’s world, that advice is more than outdated. It’s dangerous. Let’s break down the toxic advice that needs to be retired.
Advice: “Play Hard to Get”
Healthy, emotionally available men don’t have time for games. If you seem uninterested, they will respect your (fake) boundary and move on. Who “does” love this game? The narcissist. They see “hard to get” as a challenge. They live for the “chase” and the “conquest.” You aren’t a person to them. You are a prize to be won. This advice filters “out” the good guys and filters “in” the predators.
Advice: “Let Him Do All the Chasing”
This immediately sets up a power imbalance. It teaches you to be passive and to wait for him to dictate the terms of the relationship. A narcissist *loves* this. They want to be in complete control from day one. A healthy partner wants to build *with* you. They want to see you show initiative. They want to feel that the interest is mutual. Letting one person do all the work isn’t romantic, it’s the first step to a dictatorship.
Advice: “Don’t Be Too ‘Opinionated'”
This advice is code for “shrink yourself.” It tells you to be agreeable, to nod, and to not challenge him. A narcissist needs a “supply” that doesn’t question them. They are looking for someone who will merge with their identity. The moment you hide your opinions; you signal that you are willing to be molded. You are showing them you’ll be an easy source of validation, not a partner who will hold them accountable.
Advice: “He ‘Teases’ You Because He Likes You”
This is perhaps the most damaging advice of all. It taught us to confuse cruelty with affection. That backhanded compliment about your outfit? That “joke” about your intelligence? That is not “teasing.” It is “negging.” It’s a classic tactic of emotional abuse. It’s designed to chip away at your self-esteem, making you easier to control. A good man doesn’t make you feel small.
Advice: “Look for ‘Bad Boys’ You Can ‘Fix'”
This is the ultimate empath-narcissist trap. The “fixer” fantasy puts you in a caretaker role. A narcissist will “love” this. They will present themselves as a wounded “project.” You get to be the “special” one who “understands” them. In reality, you are just a tool for their needs. They will drain you dry, and you will never “fix” them. You’ll just become their victim.
Advice: “Never Talk About Your Needs”
The old advice was to be the “cool girl”—the one who is low-maintenance and never demanding. By hiding your needs, you are signaling to a narcissist that you don’t have any. You become the perfect, selfless supply. Your only job is to meet “their” needs. A healthy partner “wants” to know your needs. They want to know how to make you happy. If you can’t voice your needs, you can’t have a partnership.
Advice: “Make Him Your Whole World”
Remember being told not to talk about your friends or hobbies “too” much, in case he gets jealous? This is a recipe for isolation. Isolation is a primary tool for abusers. A narcissist wants to be the center of your universe. They will slowly cut you off from your support system. This advice encourages you to hand them the scissors. A healthy man will love that you have a full, vibrant life.
Advice: “Jealousy Just Means He Cares”
This confuses control and possession with love. A little jealousy can be normal. But the kind of jealousy this advice excuses is not. It’s the “Who did you text?” or “I don’t like you wearing that” kind of jealousy. This isn’t love. It’s control. It’s a sign that he sees you as his property, not his partner. This is a massive red flag for controlling and abusive behavior.
Authenticity Is Your Best Shield
That old advice was about playing a game. The goal was to “win” a man. Healthy relationships are not games. They are partnerships. The best way to stop attracting narcissists? Be unapologetically, fully yourself from the very first date. State your needs. Hold your boundaries. Voice your (brilliant) opinions. The right person will respect you for it. The wrong one will run. And that, in itself, is a win.
What’s the worst piece of old-school dating advice you ever received? Drop it in the comments!
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