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Manchester Evening News
Manchester Evening News
Kieran Isgin

The 100 best Christmas cracker jokes for 2022

With Christmas right around the corner, many will be getting all their preparations in order for the best dinner of the year.

Christmas dinner is also a great time for friends and family to come together, enjoy some food, and have a laugh. And what better way to do get things going then with some eye-rolling Christmas cracker jokes.

The humble cracker has become synonymous with telling bad puns and ironic jokes around the table while everyone fiddles with the little toy that came with it. And while many may want to avoid the bad jokes this year, there will no doubt be some who revel in the groans and feinted laughs when they drop one of these jokes.

Read more: Do you like the Christmas Markets?

Therefore, we've compiled a super list of the best (and perhaps worst) cracker jokes that you can use after polishing off your Christmas dinner.

All our best Christmas cracker jokes for 2022

What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up?
It doesn't have legs

Who is Santa’s favourite actor?
Willem Dafoe-ho-ho

Why does your nose get tired in winter?
It runs all day

Who tells the best Christmas jokes?
Reindeer. They sleigh every time

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!

Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Crisp Kringle

Why is the turkey never hungry at Christmas?
It's stuffed

What does Santa use to bake cakes?
Elf-raising flour

Why did the choir have to cancel their carol concert?
They caught tinsel-itis

What is the duck's favourite Christmas carol?
In The Beak Midwinter

Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
All Virgin flights were cancelled.

Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
They have herd immunity.

Why is it best to think of 2022 like a panto?
Because eventually, it's behind you.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet.

Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
Because they couldn't book a home delivery.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
Carbon footprints

Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?

Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
Jingle smells

I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today...
I think it was from my Uncle Ben

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care

Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze?
He was searching for some holiday spirit

What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle Bills

What is white and minty?
A polo bear!

What do elves do after school?
Their gnome work!

What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?

How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life

What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?
One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas?
Because they enjoy wrapping

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus

What do you call an old snowman?

What's the difference between Batman and the Grinch?
Batman can go into Whoville without Robin

What was the three wise men's favourite Christmas carol?
Oh Camel, Ye Faithful

What happened to the burglar who robbed an advent calendar factory?
He got 25 days

What do sheep say to each other at Christmas time?
Merry Christmas to ewe!

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter "Y"!

When is a Christmas dinner bad for your health?
When you're the turkey...

What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night

What did the farmer get for Christmas?
A cowculator

What you can call a polar bear which wears ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
You light me up!

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!

What is the Grinch's least favourite band?
The Who!

How is Drake like an elf?
He spends all his time wrapping

What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
St Nickerless

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!

What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?

It takes a miracle to find three wise men there

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy

Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Little Wonkey

What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island?
A melt

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman

Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Dasher on eBay ?

Because they were two deer

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?


What did the snowman say to the robin?
I have snow idea!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

"It's Christmas, Eve"

What do snowmen have for breakfast?

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken

Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?

He seems to know where all the naughty girls live

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Where would you find snowmen dancing?
At a snowball

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed

Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank

Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill?
The National Elf Service!

Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

What does Prince George play at Christmas instead of musical chairs?
Game of Thrones

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!

What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause

What is Santa's dogs name?
Santa Paws!

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

What do you sing at a Snowman’s party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off!

Which Christmas carol do dogs like best?
Bark the Herald Angels Sing!

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him!

Who says "Oh, oh, oh"?
Santa walking backwards!

How can you keep your home warm this Christmas?

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?


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