Ma'am, I take my shades off slowly like this at least once an episode. David Caruso is CSI Miami's godlike Horatio Caine.
The real reason Sky keeps selling subscriptions is not, as the ads would like you to believe, because of the sport; the Simpsons - genius though they are, you can see them on terrestrial, and the Ricky Gervais episode wasn't that fantastic; the progressively duff-er films, or the aquistion of Lost, which one suspects is about to go precipitously downhill in the manner of the X-Files; after all, how many more hatches can there be? Anybody actually interested in that Scottish guy who says 'brother' all the time?
Nope, the thing that's really keeping Sky going is, of course the gorgeous, the fabulous, Living TV. The opposite of Men & Motors - and thank God for that - Living is the fluffy-muled glamour-pusses' channel of choice. Fat people complaining? It's Living. The quality triumvirate that is CSI, Gray's Anatomy, and the unsurpassable Kath & Kim? It's those hornbags at Living. Boston Legal, the L Word and Charmed? Let's face it, whoever has the fab TV job of picking what to buy or show is doing bloody brilliantly at Great Portland Street. Living should rename itself 'Tv Wot is Fun but Good, Like Appletise'. Only the frankly revolting Derek Acorah gets in the way, but then there's always Jade's PA (or 'The Stup-rentice') to make up for it.
And Living is, of course, the home of America's Next Top Model. Often imitated using, eg, the scary Lisa Butcher, or the heifer-ish and slightly peeved Rachel Hunter, but never bettered, getting twelve scrawny, hyped up teenage girls in a room and fighting them to the gladiatorial death - "The girl whose name I do not say must pack up their bags- and leave!" -just never gets boring.
The show obviously suffered from the departure of terrifying Janice Dickinson, the crazy 'first ever supermodel'. Everyone loved Janice, except for Tyra, snooty show queen, whose perfect face got a little twitch on the left side of her lip whenever Janice said anything amusing. The other judges are of course noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker and Jay, who is like your annoying big sister who gives you advice, which always turns out to be right even if it's given in an annoyingly patronising way. You've got to listen to Mr Jay, he knows what he's talking about. And so does Twiggy, but she's pointless and it's clear none of the girls have ever heard of her.
It doesn't matter which series of ANTM you're watching, the structure will always be exactly the same - kooky city girls, dozy farm girls, one out-and-out nutter (check out Lisa, who peed in adult diapers) and the horrible girl ™, who will usually be a deeply religious beauty queen who says it doesn't matter what she does as God is on her side, exactly what the religious right teaches in American schools now they've thrown all that boring science out the window. Anyway, they'll all have a fight and take some good photographs and you'll be constantly stunned between the idiocy on show contrasted with the gorgeousness of the shots and it'll make you feel a lot better about yourself.
The only thing Living doesn't do - whilst kindly repeating the shows endlessly - is remind you which series you're watching so you know who to root for (it doesn't really matter who wins as you will never see or hear of them again ,in the manner of the X Factor). So c'mon Living -can you put a big season number on the shows so we know if we're going to be watching Eva, Jayla or that lanky pharmacist with the big ears whilst scoffing down that entire packet of Hobnobs we promised ourselves we'd leave alone tonight? Cheers.
