April 15--I am firmly in favor of allowing texting in movie theaters -- during any film derived from a character who began life in a comic book, which is to say, during approximately 73 percent of current films. Your urgent iPhone-delivered missives -- OMG, Batman totally hates Superman -- won't bother me because I won't be anywhere close to that theater.
Besides, if a film playing at maximum volume on a 20-foot-screen and containing a 31-minute chase followed by a 46-minute fight isn't more diverting than a 6-inch phone glowing a little in the next row, then maybe, just maybe, that movie is failing at its job.
I am also in favor of allowing red wine in movie theaters -- during the occasional film about adult human beings facing adult life complications that somehow manages to sneak into the multiplex. Drink quickly, folks, because your movie is about to disappear. A corollary to this is that people in certain states should probably be allowed to vape in theaters -- during films by Pixar and Richard Linklater, at a minimum.
I am in favor of disallowing center aisles in movie theaters -- during any type of film, because, obviously there ought to be seats right smack in the middle for the best viewing angle. If you want to watch a movie from the side, you might as well be in your living room, where the bay window unfortunately dictates corner TV placement.
The problem with movie theaters isn't whether the AMC chain will or won't allow people to text. New CEO Adam Aron ignited a social media firestorm by saying the No. 2 chain, soon to be No. 1 with planned acquisitions, will consider allowing cell phones in some cinemas, in part to win back millennials. (He backpedaled on Friday, issuing a firm "no texting.")
This was similar to the social media firestorm another theater chief ignited by suggesting the same thing a few years ago. People taking to social media to criticize the possibility of more cell-phone freedom is like people meeting in Brooklyn to gripe about the nation's surfeit of earnest indie bands, but never mind.
Movie theaters' real problem is with the entirety of the experience. The food and drink choices are pitched at the American teenager circa 1985, and they barely change from place to place. Nothing better has happened in the world of candy, apparently, than Milk Duds, and the only way to satisfy a craving for savory food is with the kind of pizza you might find in a Little League refreshment stand or with corn kernels popped and soaked in a butter-esque sludge.
Beverages start with 28 grams of sugar or the equivalent amount of Aspartame. The rest of the world is practically afloat in craft beer and decent coffee, but movie theaters offer mostly a trip to the supermarket soda aisle.
So after you've got your Junior Mints -- frequently the only tolerable ingestion choice -- the experience doesn't improve. It's an old refrain, but pre-film on-screen clutter has indeed grown too long and too insistent. Moviegoers are paying to be taken away from the real world, not bombarded with reminders that our society is mostly about the sales pitch.
After the overt ads come the trailers, and they usually fail on two fronts. They give away almost the whole plot, especially, it seems, in the stunted rom-com genre; we already know that the couple will meet cute, tragically separate and then magically reunite even without seeing all those key moments crammed into the preview. Trailers also too often tease a movie coming six months from now; like wearing white, thinking about the next "Independence Day" movie shouldn't be allowed until after Memorial Day.
Theater sound isn't always what it could be, and even the newer, better theaters that do care about your ears often fail to make the room dark enough to maximize the screen experience. And if the room isn't dark to begin with, then concerns about texting become kind of moot.
With all of these factors, plus the dearth of compelling movies, nudging me away from the big screen, texting is almost the least of it. It's a quiet activity (turn off the keyboard click function, please), it can be done sort of furtively, and if the movie is any good, it will not be noticed.
What should be noticed is some of the other things AMC's Aron had to say. He thinks the moviegoing consumer should be "king," and he, too, thinks the current food choices kind of (stink).
Paying close attention to overall customer experience, like Aron seems to want to do, will do more to woo back millennials. They can then spend the minutes before the movie, or even the draggy portion of the big chase scene, putting up a Vine about how good the IPA and kimchee are.
sajohnson@chicagotribune.com
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