Gone are the dark days of 2014, when Tesco admitted a spreadsheet cock-up had inflated its figures by a couple of hundred mill. For a second, it seemed it might stop being an ever-expanding capitalist hydra with enough money to buy, mince, breadcrumb and aggressively discount every woman and child in the UK. But it’s all better now. Tesco is back.
If being able to pay Ruth Jones and Ben Miller a squazillion pounds each to bring unnecessarily good comic timing to a flippant ad campaign wasn’t enough of a crow about revived profits, now it’s trying to goad us into vexatious customer services interactions. In the latest spot, Ruth and Ben regret buying a watermelon. Rather than grimly endure a week of enforced melony afters, as any normal householder would, Ruth goes back and changes it for a pineapple. The lady behind the desk, which seems to have its own pineapple supply, smiles – and the voiceover says exchanges can be made “for any reason”. You heard them: if your coconuts are too hairy, your Chelsea buns aren’t square enough or you suspect your Granny Smiths voted Brexit, demand alternatives. Tesco can afford it.
