There are some things you'd only ever eat at a festival. Is this Glastonbury delight one of them? Photograph: David Levene
This week, organisers at Sydney's Big Day Out took the rather drastic step of banning the Australian flag from the music festival site. The reason? Last year, a group of white males were going around forcing innocent punters to pledge their allegiance to it. Now, as we all know, nothing says "I love my country" quite like getting drunk and waving a sheet of polyester around in public. But why is there always so much national pride at these events? The answer is that there probably isn't. Flag waving is merely one of the many activities that normally sensible people only consider once they're knee-deep in mud and watching Snow Patrol - it helps your friends find you and makes you stand out on the telly, for starters.
Allow us to introduce a few more things you'd only ever do at a music festival...
Eat deep fried labrador
Debates have raged over what exactly goes into the festival beef burger. Donkey's bicep? Scrapings from the slaughterhouse floor? Border terrier still writhing from a nasty collision on the A19? Whatever it is, it's probably not very closely related to beef.
Take herbal ecstasy
Years of scientific research from hardened festival goers has revealed the effects of herbal ecstasy as follows:
1. Horrible headache 2. Feeling a bit weird and a bit sick 3. Annoyance that you haven't located any real ecstasy
But will this knowledge put you off giving it a go when it's 3am and you can't locate a decent dealer? I'll meet you by the rave tent...
Wear a jester's hat
The perfect purchase to say, "Hey, I'm letting it all hang out at a kerazy rock festival with my mates!" Shame you didn't read the small print that reads: "PS I also look like a bit of a dick."
Befriend a crustie
"Hey everyone, this is my new friend Moonbeam. He's just taught me how to find inner peace by balancing the karmic rhythms in my eyelids. I think we're definitely going to be friends for life, way after the festival season's over..."
Use a portaloo
Wounded soldiers scrambling through The Battle Of Passchendaele wouldn't have lowered themselves to taking a dump on a compost heap consisting of The Levellers' fans' faeces and mung-bean vomit. So why are you?
Open a beer bottle with your teeth
As the festival site descends into something resembling the climax of Apocalypse Now, you're gonna really need that Budweiser.
Sleep in a tent
You only need watch Mike Leigh's Nuts In May to know that this is the leisure activity of the simpleton.
Spend £20 on a souvenir T-shirt
And enjoy wearing it for the 17 hours before you sober up and realise you probably won't be revisiting that experience in a hurry.
Avoid washing
Initially disgusting, yes. But by the third day you'll be testing the mind-altering properties of the fungal species that have sprouted around your nether regions.
Watch Embrace
Sounds preposterous, but it has been known to happen. I blame the herbal ecstasy.
