TOP OF THE NATIONS LEAGUE FOR TOOLBAGGERY
On Thursday evening, at the Estádio D. Afonso Henriques in Guimarães, England will resume their quest to join Argentina, the Soviet Union, Uruguay, Egypt, Uruguay again, South Korea, New Zealand, the USA! USA!! USA!!!, Costa Rica and, er, Great Britain in the pantheon of countries to have won the inaugural staging of a major international tournament. We of course refer to the first winners of the Confederations Cup, the Euros, the World Cup, the African Nations Cup, the Copa América, the Asian Nations Cup, the Oceania Cup, the Gold Cup, the CCCF Cup and the Big Sports Day, and yes, if you were to push us, we’d agree that inaugural champions isn’t really a thing, but The Fiver’s written them all down now so there they are. Anyway, England just need to beat the Netherlands, then Portugal on Sunday, and the brand-spanking-new Uefa Nations League will be theirs! What a glorious nation! What a green and pleasant land! Brexit, please!
Speaking of making a complete show of ourselves on the international stage, several of our biggest and best losers have been rampaging through the streets of Porto before the Netherlands game. Two particularly egregious tubes have had their collars felt by the local riot police, after a mob flung bottles at Portuguese fans who were celebrating their team’s victory over VAR in the other semi and generally minding their own business. The FA were quick to disassociate themselves from this abject shower of belligerent toolkits, insisting that “they are not true England supporters”, “an embarrassment to the team” and “not welcome in football”. And to think it was only five days ago that fans of Liverpool and Spurs got on together like a house on fire in Madrid, despite being bored witless at the Big Cup final. One elegant sashay forward, two clod-hopping steps back.
As for the actual football, it’s going to be interesting to see whether Half-fit Harry will start even though he should really be told to sit quietly on the bench and like it. The putrid stench generated by Kane’s non-performance at the Wanda last Saturday still hangs over the Iberian peninsula like a leaden pall, and should Gareth Southgate get so much as a whiff of that funky fug, expect England’s player of the year Raheem Sterling to be named captain instead. If he doesn’t, we’re in for a rerun of Kane being quietly and efficiently snuffed out by Virgil van Dijk, and nobody deserves to sit through another 90 minutes of that.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Netherlands 2-1 England.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have a new coach” – Real Betis in no way saddle Rubi with a load of extra pressure by announcing him as their new manager as though he’s a Game of Thrones-style conquering king. We’ll give him till November.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’ve wracked my brain but can’t recollect any mention of a Swedish cousin of The Fiver [Po’ Herring-eating, super-trouping, shoe-removing, flatpack-assembling cousin – Fiver Ed.]. Assuming such a fellow exists, why don’t you send him Zlatan’s way to get a word on the Swedish FA’s opinion that Lennart Johansson was ‘our biggest international football leader of all time’, and that ‘no Swede has had a similar influence on football in the world’? Oh, and send a camera crew with him” – Gareth Rogers (and others).
“I notice your obituary on Lennart Johansson didn’t mention that when he lost the vote for Fifa president to Sepp Blatter, it was widely reported that the English FA had voted for Blatter instead of Johansson because they thought Blatter would help to bring the 2006 World Cup to England. That worked out well. Still, at least our FA voted for a man of unimpeachable integrity, otherwise it could have been much worse” – Nick Parish.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nick Parish.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Fifa and Asian football’s governing body were made aware of sexual abuse allegations against senior Afghanistan football officials and a coach more than two years ago, according to emails seen by the Guardian.
Portugal boss Fernando Santos was pretty chuffed with His match-winning hat-trick against Switzerland that confirmed their place in the inaugural Nations League final. “He’s a genius. There’s genius paintings and sculptures and he’s a football genius,” Santos cooed, somewhat dissing His sculpturing game.
The confederation of African Football has ordered Esperance to return the African Big Cup and replay the second leg of their final with Wydad Casablanca, who left the pitch after an equaliser they scored was disallowed and not checked because VAR was knacked.
Po’ Neymar has been ruled out of the Copa América after suffering ankle-knack in Brazil’s 2-0 friendly win over Qatar.
Real Madrid have agreed a fee of £88.5m with Chelsea for Eden Hazard because they probably want to end the transfer tedium as much as anyone.
Swansea winger Daniel James is set to be Manchester United winger Daniel James once £15m of borrowed Glazer cash whistles its way into the Welsh club’s coffers.
Aston Villa have pounced all over the opportunity to trigger the option to buy winger Anwar El Ghazi from Lille for £8m after a successful loan last season.
And German manager Markus Kay oversaw his last match in charge of TV Jahn Hiesfeld wearing full fishing gear while holding a rod on the bench because he was feeling fresh and funky after being told to do one by the owner via WhatsApp. “It was a kind of silent protest … I think nobody really expected it,” he deadpanned.
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s a Women’s World Cup bonanza! Lap up today’s Experts’ Network guides, No 21: Thailand, and No 22: USA! USA!! USA!!! Check out these 10 young players to watch in France, from England’s Georgia Stanway to Germany’s Schüller, and watch some of the tournament’s best moments down the years in this week’s Classic YouTube.
England’s Toni Duggan tells Suzanne Wrack how women deserve better pay, more honest criticism and better coverage.
Big Ronny Koeman has located the Netherlands’ missing mojo and given it a reboot by unifying the squad and making them loved again, writes Arthur Renard. Which means: look out England!
Is Sead Kolasinac heading to Barcelona, asks the Rumour Mill. Probably not but imagining him trundling round Camp Nou is good fun and reminded us of Thomas Gravesen at Real Madrid (the best 4min 34sec of your day).
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
