Age: Brand new!
Appearance: Branded anew!
Honey Monster Puffs? Do you mean Sugar Puffs? Shhh! Shhhhh! This is a family newspaper!
What in heaven’s name are you talking about? (whispers) Sugar Puffs have been renamed Honey Monster Puffs.
(Whispers back) Why? Because of sugar.
What about sugar? It’s a bad thing. Especially for children. Parents are frightened of it. Ergo – new name.
Hmm. How stupid do they think parents are? They’ve tweaked the recipe too.
Oh, well, fair enough then. Have they taken out all the sugar? Some. Some of the sugar. Down from nearly two cubes per portion to one and a half. And 20% more honey. Because they’re Honey Monster Puffs.
That’s ridiculous. Only if you concentrate on the fact that honey, though we think and hope it is more natural and beneficial to us, actually acts within the body exactly like ordinary refined sugar.
What else is there to concentrate on? The fact that some cereals, such as Coco Pops and Frosties, contain more than two cubes per portion. The fact that shoppers think and hope honey is more natural and beneficial to them and their children, even though it actually acts within the body exactly like ordinary refined sugar.
I see. AND – that the Honey Monster is back! The lovable, lumbering, furry, yellow fellow who blundered around the childhood adverts of so many of today’s parents who will now trigger lucrative subconscious feelings of trust, loyalty and nostalgia in their offspring-addled brains!
Oh yes – “Tell them about the honey, Mummy!” Him? The very same!
Are there going to be new Honey Monster adverts? “Tell them about obesity, Mummy!” “Tell them about the dental cavities, Daddy!” He will be at the centre of a £3m marketing campaign next year. No word yet on his preferred catchphrases. But probably not those.
Do say: “Tell them about the traffic light nutritional labelling we’ve added to the front of the pack too, Honey Monster!”
Don’t say: “You’re preying on the harassed, gullible and uninformed and their children, you monsters.”
