FIXTURES AND FITTINGS
Just like New York City and the poor woman that lives in the flat above Weird Uncle Fiver, football never sleeps. It’s mid-June and you should be outside being wholesome: fishing with your dad, running through fields of wheat or looking interested as some posh bloke tries to sell you some overpriced olives at your nearest farmer’s market. But nope, you’re here, glued to a screen, eking out yet another toilet break at work to catch up on the Women’s World Cup and read your favourite tea-timely email. Will football ever end? Not if it has anything to do with Sky Sports News, which went into overdrive on Thursday morning with a breaking story – encouragingly not from one of their ‘sources’ – that really hit the sweet spot: the Premier League fixture list! Another year of your broadcasting overlords shoving expensive content that they own up your nose! Hoorah!
Distressed, excited and hopeful, fans from each Premier League club were beamed in, one by one, to talk about their club’s chances in 2019-20. Because it is in the future, and as most were teenage YouTubers and apparent social media parodies sitting in their bedrooms, none of them actually knew, although one went to great lengths explaining what Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s plan would be, most of which revolved around not getting tonked by Chelsea and Wolves in their first two fixtures.
Much like Love Island or Gogglebox or the House of Commons, there was a brilliant low-brow dissection of British culture on show. While talking about his side’s opening-day trip to Bournemouth, Sheffield United’s finest wore a flat cap and a T-shirt that said: ‘Every three weeks I need my hair cuttin.’ No, really. Norwich’s supporter was too busy making faces at the Villa fan’s suggestion that Jack Grealish was the best player in the Championship to actually contribute anything of note.
If that didn’t get your blood pumping, just wait until you hear about the new 7.45pm kick-off times on a Saturday night. That one should go down a treat with the hard-won audiences in Asia. Or what about the news that you’ll have to get another subscription if you want to watch all the televised games? Don’t mind if we do! It wasn’t even the most dismal league update of the day, what with the news that France’s top flight will be renamed ‘Ligue Urrrrrrrn Uber Eats’ in 2020-21, with the match ball for each game brought on the pitch by a delivery man. It. Never. Ends.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We had a turnout of about 40-50 people. There were good vibes” – manager Danny Rodriguez is left to clutch at the positives after his American Social bar in Miami offered “free shots for every [USA! USA!! USA!!!] goal” during their Women’s World Cup game over Thailand. That 13-0 win. We’re not expecting quotes from the patrons for another few days.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I would like to invite you be the guest team at our small but perfectly formed football tournament. It is here in Oxford on Sunday 23 June. All proceeds to a local hospice. And a BBQ with Polish sausages, you won’t get that at the Copa América” – Peter Hart [will check in with our cousins – Fiver Ed].
“I noticed that Fiverr International Ltd has completed its IPO on the New York Stock Exchange. I thought that maybe this share offering was related to a certain tea-timely email. However, some cursory research shows that this Fiverr launched on time, was well-received by the public (up 45% as of now) and, despite describing themselves as a marketplace for online services, is not a place to buy Tin or other adult beverages” – R Reisman.
“Hats off to The Fiver for maintaining its usual levels of journalistic rigour by failing to give a single mention to Norn Iron’s six-point haul from two tricky away games in tough conditions in June, with a number of the squad barely having seen a football pitch since April, thereby further cementing (if it were needed) the managerial acumen of Michael O’Neill. Not even a mention in what we were told were talking points from the last week of men’s internationals. Keep up the ‘work’” – James Irwin.
“If James Maltby was perturbed by the results when he Googled ‘Cantona D!cks Challenge’ (yesterday’s Fiver letters), imagine my surprise on trying to research the campaign by Fulham fans in 1991 against their manager Alan D1cks. You should see what ‘Cottagers D!cks out’ turns up” – Michael Hann.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … James Irwin.
BITS AND BOBS
Oystons out! Simon Sadler has completed his takeover of Blackpool.
Forest Green chairman Dale Vince is feeling funky after Stroud District Council gave short shrift to planning permission for a 5,000-seater wooden stadium. “It is a poor show,” he sighed. “Maybe we will appeal but that is another year of my life. How hard should I have to try to bring some progress? I do wonder if it is worth the effort.”
The damage done to English football’s nicotine-to-club manager ratio by Maurizio Sarri’s potential exit to Juventus has been offset by Slaven Bilic’s arrival at West Brom on a two-year deal. “I didn’t think twice once they had spoken to me,” he puffed.
France centre-back Wendie Renard says her comedy own goal in their 2-1 Women’s World Cup win over Norway proves the team needs to keep focus. “It shows that you need to keep your feet on the ground,” she tooted when, as it turns out, doing the opposite might have spared her blushes.
Standard Liège winger Moussa Djenepo is now £14m Southampton winger Moussa Djenepo. “It is a dream come true,” he roared.
Bolton’s administrators say they have had a suitable offer for the club but are keeping quiet about who it is from. “The preferred bidder has both the financial ability and the determination to turn around the club,” administrated an administrator.
And Denis Suárez has echoed the thoughts of most Arsenal fans by describing his season at the club as “one to forget”, blaming pelvis-knack for his disappointing spell. “I don’t think I was even at 50%,” he yelped.
STILL WANT MORE?
Why did Argentina celebrate their 0-0 World Cup draw with Japan so joyfully?Joshua Nadel and Brenda Elsey reveal the team’s long battle against sexism.
“We had a bath in pink champagne!” How Denmark won the 1971 Women’s World Cup, by Paul Doyle.
Meanwhile, here’s Hope Solo on USA! USA!! USA!!!’s celebrations against Thailand.
How Max Rushden forced an old man to leave a comfy chair, whisky and some peace and quiet for an awful night of disappointment, late-night trains and drunken fans.
Argentina and the Copa América: not gonna happen, predicts floating brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Thirteen goals + one outrageous own goal = Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
