This many reboots usually signifies catastrophic system error. Here’s producer Michael Bay’s live-action take on the recurring reptiles, which means more sheen than the amiably clunky 90s film, buff CG heroes who resemble pistachio-hued variants of Pain & Gain’s meatheads and Megan Fox doing squats in a halter top as reporter April O’Neil. Its over-rehearsed origin story proves as insubstantial as any other Turtle spin, yet Bay’s CV arguably lists worse crimes. In-your-face 3D tie-ins – the pizza’s branded, and the finale frenetically pushes pixels around Times Square’s billboards – foreground its primary intent: the repackaging of gleaming, empty, allowance-snaffling product. Were these Turtles ever anything else?
