Blended families don’t always mix well. Sometimes they’re like oil and water; they refuse to merge smoothly, and completely repel each other at every turn. While some couples will throw in the proverbial mixing spoon and walk away, others will continue stirring in the frantic hope that an imperfectly baked plan will one day finally see the light of day, and rise to the occasion.
When one father moved his girlfriend and her small kids into his home, he did so despite massive protest from his own teenage son. Conflict ensued and the 17-year-old ended up moving out. The teenager has shared how, despite this, his stepmother now expects him to babysit her kids for free over the summer break. And netizens are divided over whether he should. Bored Panda reached out to Etiquette Expert and author Rosalinda Randall to get her advice.
One teen refused to have his life turned upside down when his father’s girlfriend moved in… so he left
Image credits: DragonImages / envato (not the actual photo)
But this didn’t stop his stepmom from trying to use him as free childcare for her kids over the summer break
Image credits: Lemnaouer / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: StuffySlocks
No ‘Father of the Year Award’ for this dad: An expert weighs in
A father has every right to find a girlfriend and move her and her children in without explaining it to anyone, including his 17-year-old son. However, taking this course of action will guarantee a bumpy transition. That’s the word from Etiquette Expert and Author Rosalinda Randall, who has lots of experience in smoothing over delicate situations.
“Apparently, Dad’s desire for companionship and pulsating manly needs dulled his regard on how this would affect his son,” Randall told Bored Panda during an interview. “Because of the son’s age, the father owed his son a conversation. Not to seek permission, but to give his son the opportunity to express his concerns, ask questions, etc. It’s a parent’s job to provide guidance, a sense of security, and teach their child how to work through changes and conflict.”
The expert says when children are at an age of awareness, it is imperative to explain what’s about to happen. “Blending a family requires open discussions,” she adds, “Especially when his son was losing his space and tossed in as a bonus babysitter without his consent.”
We asked Randall whether there’s a chance of reconciliation for the family. And if so, how? She believes it is up to the adults to make the first move. “Ask to meet up with the son on his turf,” suggested Randall. “Stepmom and dad, without the children, go to grandma’s house.”
She says the dad and stepmom should apologize. “For not considering his need for space as the older child; for assuming he’d babysit; for reacting in a pitiful manner; and finally, for not reaching out sooner,” she explained. And she added that they shouldn’t expect an immediate response. But they’ll need to give the teen time.
“Invite him over for game night. Dad can plan a day for just the two of them to hang out. Make room for him; find a private or semi-private space when he comes to stay overnight,” Randall added. “If you can provide a private room for him, invite him back to live with you. Then let it be.”
Randall says the stepmother’s reaction was not that of a responsible adult woman with children. Frustration is understandable, she says, but lashing out at her stepson was wrong, especially when he never made the “babysitting deal” with her.
The expert adds that the woman had a couple of months to respectfully and calmly work something out with her stepson. “Knowing how strongly he was opposed, it was her responsibility to have a backup plan. What did she do with her children last summer?” pondered Randall.
The etiquette expert says the woman revealed a bit of her nature by showing how she deals with unexpected difficulties and how she treats those that oppose her.
Randall says the stepmom needs to redirect her anger and take some responsibility. “When the babysitting services promise came up, why didn’t she speak directly with her stepson? As a mother, didn’t she think about discussing schedules, payment, nutrition, emergencies, driving, car seats, etc.?” she explained.
Randall says she doesn’t believe the dad deserves a “Father of the Year Award.” And here’s why: “Some parents consider their wants and desires first, then the child’s. A child doesn’t have the capacity to absorb adult dilemmas,” the expert told us. “In this case, a teen with all the hormones and pressure about what’s next after high school, has his life turned upside down. He needed security and acknowledgement. Moving to grandma’s house provided that for him.”
She says although the delivery was a bit rough, the son was very clear about his concerns. Instead of taking time to discuss them, both dad and stepmom turned on him, labeling him stubborn and rude. They both need to redirect that finger and point it back at themselves, she advised.
“The cruelest part of this story is hearing a dad tell his son that his behavior is because, ‘…you can’t let go of mom.’ How dare a dad say that? Instead of showing his son empathy, he practically reproaches him for remembering his mom,” Randall said.
She said the father shouldn’t expect his child to replace his mom’s memory. With time, he may come to care for or even love the new wife, she added. But it will be on his time.
Many people felt sorry for the teenager and some had advice on how to move forward
“Insufferable brat”: not all netizens took the teen’s side
