NEARLY THERE
Manchester United first played Manchester City in 1881, and in the intervening 135 years they have battled for promotion, relegation, league titles and mid-table obscurity, sharing thrillers, snoozers, robberies and thrashings. People have fought on the pitch, off the pitch and in stands, streets and stations; they have sacrificed dignity, sanity and liberty.
Manchester United were first managed by José Mourinho in August 2016, and Manchester City were first managed by Pep Guardiola in August 2016, and in the intervening years they have battled for nothing whatsoever. People have been mildly interested in their progress so far; they have occasionally sacrificed minutes of their time, before regaining their obliviousness and proceeding exactly as before. Accordingly, it makes perfect sense for the first of this season’s super-duper, title-deciding Manchester derbies to be dominated by managers who shared some tediously tame mutual antipathy, several years ago and in another country. Perhaps “Pep” will prod “José” on a pressure-point; maybe “José” will pinch “Pep” on his inside thigh; oh, the pleasure, the privilege is ours, just as it will be to deconstruct their every movement and moment, each reflex and reflux.
José pouted petulantly, so Pep philosophically fondled what I suppose we must call his beard. The mind games have begun and they’re LIVE.
Notformeclive. It’s just wind.
Naturally, the managers understand the scrutiny that they face. “I always want to be in a position of emotional control,” menaced Mourinho, conjuring images of cellars, gags, blindfolds and chains. “We met each other a few months ago and we spoke fluently,” ventured Guardiola, serving only to expose his ignorance of the word “tirade”. He will, though, attend the day’s centrepiece: the post-match glass of wine. During it will be established “bragging rights” for deployment in “the pubs and clubs of Manchester”, before their migration to “around the water coolers” and “in the dinner queues”.
None of this, though, is to neglect the real players in the production. As is only fair, given a game so earnestly anticipated, kick-off shall be at 12.30pm BST. Though this is unconducive to the pleasure of those actually attending, it will allow those domiciled in Asia’s traditional Mancunian hotbeds to build up to and enjoy the game in the proper manner, in preparation for the fixture’s ultimate relocation. It’s going to be great.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We were really in the wild, no electricity, no toilet, no bed, no mobile phone or internet” – David Wagner discusses life at Huddersf … sorry, life at his Huddersfield Town pre-season training camp, with Paul Doyle.
FIVER LETTERS
“Matt Le Tissier starting his own football agency company, saying he wants to take power back from the players and bring some morality back to football (yesterday’s Quote of the Day)? I’m not sure this is a good business model, stating that you’re actively pursuing an agenda to limit the power (and subsequent financial gains) of your clients. It’s like signing for a football team and saying your ambition is to score more own goals. Good luck to the guy anyway, he’s going to need it” – Dan Makeham.
“Personally I applaud Eddie Howe’s radical measures to keep Jack Wilshere fit (yesterday’s Fiver letters). In fact, so much so I proposed something similar to my boss in that I believed would be the best way to manage my current burgeoning workload and that was by him allowing me to have longer lunches and leave earlier. Unfortunately I cannot repeat what he said but he did add that I still remained employed (just). As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained” – Flavio L’Abbate.
“OK, for the 176th time I’ve seen mention of the beverage ‘Tin’ [Purple – Fiver Ed]. Can you tell me what’s the actual brand you prefer so I can see if it’s available in the US? I’m hoping that if I have a few of these (dangerously 8-9am here on the west coast), I might think the daily email more humorous. It’s a shot” – Dave Hill.
“Bishops Castle FC, a club blocked by the FA of Wales from playing grassroots football. Love it if you could link in the email today” – Mark Scott.
“Re: yesterday’s Still Want More? Did you really expect me to click on a link to find out how far my club will go in Big Cup this season? NB: I’m an Arsenal fan” – Nick Payne.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nick Payne. However, we will have prizes to give away each day next week, in the shape of Carrie Dunn’s excellent The Roar of the Lionesses, courtesy of the kind people at Pitch Publishing.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Surely the only thing better than tactics is shekshee tactics, so with that in mind, have a listen to this edition of Football Weekly Meets … with Ruud Gullit.
BITS AND BOBS
Sylvia Gore, England’s first goalscorer in women’s international football, has died at the age of 71. “Everyone at the FA has a great deal of respect for all that she achieved in the game,” said chief executive Martin Glenn.
The big suits who control our game haven’t come up with a way of somehow making even more money from football for about five minutes, so here’s another: a possible breakaway from Big Cup.
Sound the “PSG offer footballer loads of money to sign for them” klaxon. This time, it’s Neymar.
The Bentekes are like London buses: you wait all summer to sign one and end up with two. Now younger sibling Jonathan is set to feature for Palace in this weekend’s trip to Middlesbrough. “It was not a big fee so he comes here under no pressure,” big fish, little fish, cardboard boxed Alan Pardew. “He is not up to his brother’s level yet, he would readily admit that, because Christian is a top-line player. But Jonathan is very enthusiastic.”
Liverpool have a new cash machine. Here are some photos.
Eeeehhh. Oooohhhh. Oooooof. Jack Butland looks like he’ll be out for about 10 weeks after surgery to correct his ankle-knack.
Fifa is giving its old head honcho Sepp Blatter a thrashing with the naughty stick after opening a corruption case against him, Jérôme Valcke and Markus Kattner.
And Arsène Wenger reckons he now has a team of men. They’ll probably still collapse like a poorly constructed wigwam, but hey, at least they’ll do it in a manly way.
STILL WANT MORE?
Poisonous rivalry? Sitcom odd couple? The kitman v the translator? Barney Ronay has got all angles covered on the Mourinho v Guardiola face-off.
Golden Goals – plural! More than one Golden Goal! Rob Smyth talks to big man Niall Quinn about his big man-little man partnership with little man Kevin Phillips.
If you were after 11 things to look out for this weekend, then tough luck. But if it’s a far neater and more pleasing 10 that interests you, then here’s the piece for you.
People do seem to get quite cross about Jordan Henderson, don’t they? Here he is telling Andy Hunter that life isn’t always easy being him.
Eddie Howe, Liam Brady and, erm, Owen Coyle think he’s good, and this season Jack Wilshere will have a chance to prove it with Bournemouth, writes David Hytner.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
