RIO DE JANEIRO _ Anyone need bug spray? Chewable Pepto? A personal GPS tracking device that gets Velcroed to your ankle?
I'll remember these Rio Games for what they were not. Those emergency responders who held up a sign at the airport reading "WELCOME TO HELL"?
This wasn't heaven, either, but it was a spectacular experience.
My eyes did not burn in the shower. I never had to surrender a dummy wallet to muggers. And if there's a yellow fever outbreak this fall in Chicago, I'm protected. (Hey, it's a jungle out there.)
Other thoughts as I ponder ordering my 13th (and final) cheeseburger in the cafeteria.
_Of all the wisdom dispensed over the last 17 days, my favorite came from a fellow Olympic newbie: Thomas Pieters, a Belgium golfer who played at Illinois.
Pieters described radios going off and cameras clicking during his backswing but shrugged off all the distractions, saying: "You deal with it. It's the Olympics. It's special."
Pieters, by the way, finished fourth of 60 players. Not too shabby.
Events covered: Opening ceremony, beach volleyball, men's and women's tennis, table tennis, men's hoops, swimming (Michael Phelps), men's golf, team handball, track (Usain Bolt), badminton, gymnastics (Simone Biles), women's golf, triathlon and women's hoops.
Plus I saw a guy lift a weight.
Regrets: Did not witness rugby sevens, track cycling or soccer. (Damn you, Swedish women who took out Team USA.) I should have waited until sunset to check out Sugarloaf Mountain and never danced to samba music.
_In the States, we give a death stare to anyone who cheers in the press box. Here, it's hilarious.
After watching South Africa's Wayde van Niekerk break Michael Johnson's world record in the 400 meters, Soren from Denmark reacted as if he were David Kaplan at Wrigley for an Anthony Rizzo walk-off in Game 7.
Two days later, Soren reveled in a stunning Danish victory _ in women's badminton. Late Friday night, I saw him taking a drag outside our hotel. He looked as if he'd survived a kidnapping. Nope. Just Denmark's overtime victory over Poland in team handball.
In America, we cheer for results that help us make deadline. We are doing it wrong, clearly.
_The Games produced so many sweet, victorious moments for the kick-ass Americans. But I'm a sucker for great sportsmanship. So my favorite moment was supplied by women who were the last two finishers in their 5,000-meter heat.
American Abbey D'Agostino and New Zealand's Nikki Hamblin collided but encouraged each other to soldier on. The picture says it all.
_American fans accustomed to quality food choices at places like Wrigley and the Cell arrived to a McDonald's that did not serve burgers, a sad excuse for pizza and long beer lines.
Actually, it's worse than that. In Rio, you stand in a line to buy a ticket, and then you stand in another line to purchase food or drink. The Americans I know were dying to spend big money here, but the offerings at the gift shops were also lame.
Even more unacceptable: All the empty seats at the venues, combined with tickets being expensive and difficult to purchase.
Brazil could use more capitalism _ and StubHub.
_Almost made it through the column without mentioning world-class dunce Ryan Lochte. He preyed on the Rio stereotypes by concocting a story about being in a taxi that got stopped by "armed police officers."
Even before we learned that Lochte's story was fiction, I thought: Why isn't there as much outrage for black kids getting killed in Chicago as white swimmers getting held up in Rio?
_Anytime there was frustration about a long food line or missing bus, I'd remember: Brazil is a poor country. Our troubles are nothing compared with so many who live here.
And the people of Rio are some of the kindest and warmest in the world. Come visit and see for yourself.
