To the surprise of no one with internet access, surely, we’re still in a birthrate crisis. What with ecological collapse, incipient fascism, geopolitical instability, the lack of support for new parents, childcare costs and more, bringing new life into the world requires a radical act of hope. And who’s feeling that these days?
Plus, even if you do want children, pregnancy feels kind of risky at the moment. In parts of the US and beyond, pregnant people are being viewed, and treated, as functional vessels, valued only as a sort of Le Creuset for precious life delivery. Even popping a paracetamol when you’re pregnant is out now; just “tough it out” or you’ll make your kid autistic, Trump claims.
Yet the oblivious bro-ocracy (Vance, Musk, various Silicon Valley types and podcasting “alphas”) remain deeply troubled by plummeting birthrates. As I’ve said before, unless you’ve solo wrangled multiple children with a postpartum core and undercarriage, you have no business having an opinion on anyone’s womb. But I’m also disappointed by the lack of imagination shown by people who are supposed to be disruptors and paradigm shifters. Pronatalist projects are so unambitious, mostly revolving around offering parents derisory sums of money. Polish tycoon Władysław Grochowski recently announced a vaguely innovative scheme that offered to throw a party for guests who have conceived in one of his hotels. But, the thought of having to prove you’ve had sex to a mustachioed hotelier feels pretty creepy.
Instead, it falls to me to suggest genuinely innovative ways to boost birthrates – ranked from eminently manageable to moonshot.
Birth row meal
Forget the “push present” (ghastly expression): women need better rewards for repopulating the planet. For a start, everyone who has a baby should get a “birth row meal”: anything their heart desires, which the authorities are obliged to provide within 12 hours of delivery.
Introduce – and upgrade – the Finnish “baby box”
As a further incentive, we could give Finland’s baby box system – already adopted in Scotland – where new parents are given a collection of essentials, a glow-up. I’m thinking: unlimited streaming and meal delivery services for the first 12 months, a voucher for a month in the Maldives, a cashmere (adult, not baby) blanket, plus some goodies from Liberty?
Contractual guarantees re the mental load
A legally binding commitment from non-birthing parents to manage all child-related WhatsApp groups and be responsible for vaccinations, dental check-ups and holiday childcare arrangements, plus a blanket prohibition on asking “What’s for dinner?”, would make motherhood much more attractive. There would, of course, be criminal law consequences for any breach.
No-questions-asked life leave
Every parent gets one chance to run away from their life for a week. Call the government helpline and a team of professionals steps in to replace you on two hours’ notice. Get lost in a forest, go to Paris and flirt with waiters, take a Hunter S Thompson-worthy quantity of mind-altering substances. Or simply check in to a chain hotel, curl up in a foetal ball and sleep.
Make babies cuter
They’re OK, but most infants don’t inspire strings of heart-eye emojis and “omgggggg dying of cuteness” comments. I tell you what does: Moo Deng. Baby long-tailed tits. Corgi puppies. Fluffy, blue-eyed kittens in baskets. I bet we’d have more babies if they looked like that. We’ve been making designer dogs for decades – what’s the hold-up?
Foster independence
Do newborn horses, gazelles or giraffes lie around for months in a state of terrifying vulnerability and dependence? No. Human infants need to take a long, hard look at themselves and grow up faster.
Disrupt birth
There’s no sugar-coating it: vaginal birth isn’t a five-star Tripadvisor experience. If they really want women to have more babies, rather than using their obscene resources trying to live for ever, tech-bro pronatalists need to start “disrupting” the science of human birth to make it sting less. Could we become oviparous (egg-laying)? Or is there a way for human infants to be born smaller and slither out painlessly into a kangaroo-style pouch (ideally not attached to the mother, which seems burdensome)? Get Bryan Johnson’s people on it.
Make parents’ lives easier
Free universal childcare; strategies and infrastructures to combat parental isolation; properly funded, accessible early years psycho-social support; better support for flexible worki … Ha, no, silly me. Obviously, this one’s too out-there to ever work.
• Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
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