Taylor Swift’s midnight drop schedule and attempts to prevent leaks means us British reviewers have to get our first listen to The Life of a Showgirl in at the unholy hour of 5am along with everyone else. Perhaps it was the sleep deprivation, but by the time her song Wood came on, I was beginning to wonder if I was accidentally listening to a parody album hallucinated by some porn-addled AI.
“Forgive me, it sounds cocky /He ah-matized me and opened my eyes,” croons Swift, clearly still too prim to actually say the word dickmatised. “Redwood tree, it ain't hard to see / His love was thе key that opened my thighs.” Travis Kelce has a massive and patriotic wang, apparently, and that diamond ring isn’t the only “hard rock” he’s bringing to their relationship.
The Life of a Showgirl rollout has been re-positioning Swift’s squeaky-clean image as something more mature and sexy. The woman who never used to show so much as her belly button has been photographed in pearls, feathers and fishnets and little else. Unfortunately, her once-famed lyric-writing abilities have not matured at the same pace; if anything, they seem to be going backwards.
Having forsworn the disappointments of weedy pale British men for an all-American football player with a tan and huge shlong, Swift doesn’t have much heartbreak grist for her creative mill. Instead she breathes new life into rumours of a grudge match against Charli xcx (although she’s friends with her ex, so it is just boy drama once removed) and complains about how hard it is being soooo rich.
Seriously. “Oftentimes it doesn’t feel that glamorous to be me,” she sings on Elizabeth Taylor, a number about how number one hits don’t hit the same when you’re single. “What could you possibly get for a girl who has everything and nothing at all? Babe, I would trade the Cartier for someone to trust (just kidding).” It’s a well-worn story that rich people can still be miserable, but when you’re a literal billionaire it’s a bit tone deaf to complain about the lack of glamour. At this point it’s a you problem, babe.
On a positive note, it is refreshing to have Max Martin back in the production seat. They last worked together on her 2017 album Reputation, and he has a knack for this kind of bright and snappy pop. It’s a nice break from a Jack Antonoff-produced work when all the pop girly albums are beginning to sound a bit same-y.
I was particularly excited for them to collaborate on Father Figure, which interpolates George Michael’s 1987 hit of the same name. It doesn’t quite hit the sweet spot she managed with Look What You Made Me Do, which used the same technique (and was produced by Antonoff, I stand corrected — that you Reddit) but with Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy. But it does have an actually funny penis pun: “I can make deals with the devil because my dick's bigger.”
Obviously the Swifties are pulling double shifts in the streaming mines to get The Life of a Showgirl to number one. But none of these songs stand out as a bona fide number one hit. CANCELLED! is very fun musically, but the lyrics are a car crash of outdated millennial cringe. “Did you girlboss too close to the sun? Did they catch you having too much fun?” says Swift. According to her it’s a “good thing I like my friends cancelled”, but that’s a bit of an icky statement now she’s running around with MAGA podcasters.
The problem for Swift is she has so much good work in her back catalogue that she’s set her own high bar. There was a point with Folklore and Evermore, her pandemic sister albums, where she appeared to have moved on from strictly autobiographical writing and into more creative storytelling. But now she’s back mining her life for content, and all that glitters down there is certainly not gold.
The Life of a Showgirl is out now on Republic Records
The Life of a Showgirl track list
- The Fate of Ophelia
- Elizabeth Taylor
- Opalite
- Father Figure
- Eldest Daughter
- Ruin the Friendship
- Actually Romantic
- Wish List
- Wood
- Cancelled!
- Honey
- The Life of a Showgirl (featuring Sabrina Carpenter)
