Forget Dragons Den. If you really want to put your food product through the wringer, get kids to taste it. We carted a crate of Christmas chocolates to the Hackney Empire to face a panel of young cast members from the panto Mother Goose. For our testers, aged eight to 15, posh and expensive did not always equal high marks: “Sometimes cheap chocolate tastes better – like Tesco’s 30p chocolate,” reasoned one tester. Instead marks were awarded for “chocolateyness” and cuteness; beware makers of “ugly” snowmen. Our testers weren’t impressed by trendy ingredients such as cocoa nibs or Mad Hatter concoctions (sorry, Heston), with some of the worst offenders ending up on “the horrible plate”, an impromptu receptacle for “gross” chocolates fashioned from the foil of a giant chocolate coin. Read on if you dare, chocolatiers …
Chococo Roly The Snowman 100g, £4.50
Poor Roly: “His face is a bit ugly, I’m not gonna lie.” “His buttons look like pig noses.” “He needs more pazzaz [sic],” offered one tester, who is bound to go far in showbiz. As for the taste: “It’s nice but it tastes like it’s got dark chocolate inside it,” (dark chocolate was generally considered A BAD THING by our testers). “Not a nice aftertaste” remarked another. Verdict: 2/5
Choconchoc large chocolate igloo 140g, £8
A hit. “The penguin looks friendly,” reasoned one tester. “He looks like Pingu.” Bonus points were awarded for hidden chocs: “Oooooh, it’s got little penguins inside,” but the price raised some eyebrows: “Because it’s hollow, it’s a bit expensive.” “Very yummy,” said one tester. “I’m probably going to feel sick after this,” said another, chomping away happily. Verdict: 3.5/5
Heston From Waitrose Chocolate & Passionfruit Popping Candy Bites 144g, £6
“Ooooh – they look really professional.” Our panellists were excited by the look of these chocs, but delight quickly turned to disgust. “Urrrgh, horrible,” “It’s not right,” and “gross: passionfruit and chocolate is a no go,” were just some of the comments, followed by gagging noises and use of the “horrible plate”. Verdict: 1/5
M&S Solid milk chocolate sprouts 130g, £2
“It’s a bit like the eyeballs you get for Christmas,” apparently. Our testers liked the idea of wrapping up chocolate balls to make them resemble sprouts: “Clever,” “They look horrible but taste good.” Plus: “You can say you’ve had your sprouts.” Savvy. Verdict: 4/5
Very Peculiar Milk Chocolate Marmite bar 100g, pack of three £9, Amazon
“I love Marmite but THAT IS WRONG!” Our testers hated this novelty bar: “Smells like cat food”; “tastes like cold gravy”; and the ultimate insult: “Not worth it, I’d rather have no chocolate.” There was one plus side: tricking the adult cast members into eating this “delicious” chocolate. Verdict: 1/5
Hotel Chocolat Christmas Truffle Tree 540g, £26
There were gasps at the price of this chocolate gift, but for the first time our testers fell silent as they forensically tasted the whole tree: “Looks like Aero; I like it, there’s crunchy bits.” And the truffles? “Amazeballs”; “Sorry, but the balls are better than the actual chocolate.” “I’d pay £15,” offered one tester, “although it’s unlikely Hotel Chocolat operates a bartering system. Verdict: 3/5
Co-operative Giant Chocolate Halfpenny 58g, £1
“Chocolate coins are good so a big one is even better,” said one tester with impeccable logic. This Christmas classic had mixed reviews: “I feel a bit sick now” and “The aftertaste is better than the first taste; it tastes more chocolatey.” Verdict: 3/5
Betty’s White Chocolate Polar Bear 110g, £7.95
I like polar bears,” said the taster who chose this white chocolate number for testing. “He looks really cute,” she added, snapping his head off with ruthless efficiency (it made a popping noise that caused our panel to break into hysterics). The white chocolate was “sickly but still nice”. Verdict:3/5
Sainsbury’s Chocolate Sewing Set 80g, £3
“Looks cool and different,” said one tester of this white, dark and milk chocolate set shaped like a sewing kit. There were lots of appreciative mmmms: “The scissors are nice and milky.” Anyone dislike anything about it? Confused looks: “No. It’s chocolate.” Verdict: 4/5
Tesco ChocaBlok Snowmageddon 360g, £4
Can you have too much of a good thing? This giant slab of milk and white chocolate plus gingerbread men nearly defeated our testers, even though it was deemed “scrummy”. “Too much chocolate – it’s too thick,” said one, while another was concerned about the gingerbread men: “They look ill.” Verdict: 3/5
Mother Goose runs until 4 January 2015 at the Hackney Empire, E8
