When it comes to biscuits, the Khan family are conoisseurs. Stars of the West End hit East Is East, they have them for breakfast, lunch and tea; they know hobnobs like Lester Piggott knows Goodwood. So we asked the actors who play them to rate this year’s Christmas offerings. Given they munch their way through an endless supply, six nights a week, they weren’t keen. “A bit of sick just came up,” and “I had a root canal this morning,” were complaints heard more than once. Unmoved, we made the East is East cast eat and eat, and recorded the results.
Sainsbury’s Iced Lebkuchen Stars, £1.15/250g
Mixed reviews for the Germanic cakelets. Amit Shah is particularly taken with their soft sugar glaze and mouthfeel: “If you like a chewy biscuit, this is the one. I can imagine dunking that in a lassi.” Jane Horrocks had some equally leftfield praise: “I like it. It has a little bit of a burnt taste to it.” Others are less impressed with the cinnamon-heavy flavour: “It tastes like a foot.” Extraneous debate about the benefits of palm oil versus its associated deforestation was settled by one cast member’s pronouncement: “Ethically, a biscuit’s a biscuit. But I don’t like this one.”
Verdict: 3/5
Marks & Spencer Christmas Pudding Cookies, £2/200g
These don’t set the room on fire: “I’ve never had a Christmas pudding, so I dunno if this is historically accurate,” says one. “It’s dry! You’d need custard with that, so why not buy an actual pudding?” laments another, while Michael Karim take issue with the principle of raisins: “My dad calls them dead flies.” The elders, however, are more keen. “It’s good, old-fashioned. Tastes like a real biscuit.” When told the price, everyone becomes more appreciative. Sort of. “£2? For the whole packet? Bloody hell, it’s a bargain. I didn’t like it, but I’ll take 10 and learn to like it.”
Verdict: 4/5
Selfridges Chocolate Biscuit Selection, £19.99/900g
Universal astonishment at the price – taken by surprise, someone actually yells: “GET OUT OF TOWN.” Their tea-cakey “Waggon Wheeliness” is admired, as is the quality of ingredients such as salted caramel and stem ginger. They can’t get past the price, though. “The ratio of chocolate to biscuit is superb, but that is too much to pay.” Younger cast find the flavourings too intense, while the yellow box gets a kicking too. “It’s hardly Christmassy, is it?”, gripes Taj Atwal. “It looks like a shoe polish kit.” Playwright and patriarch Ayub Khan-Din agrees. “I’d keep spanners in that, not biscuits.”
Verdict: 2/5
Betty’s Biscuit Selection, £17.95/570g
The noises tell you we have an instant winner. “Mmmmm. They remind me of home. They take you there.” “Crumbly, buttery, melt in the mouth,” and “There’s a real subtlety of flavour, not oversugared.” Fighting breaks out. “Oh, chocolate and orange? GIVE IT TO ME.” The handcrafted Yorkshire biscuits are a hit with old and young, with praise for the variety of flavours and quality of packaging. “Betty’s the triple threat. I’d like to marry her, how old is she? Is she real, or like Colonel Sanders?” There is a moment of revelation when the value-fixated group learn Betty’s asking price. “£17.95? … I’d pay that.”
Verdict: 5/5
Lidl, Tower Gate All Butter Shortbread Tin, £3.99/500g
Benefiting from Selfridges’ shortcomings, there is high praise for tin and price. “They’ve got into the spirit. There are skiing squirrels, hedgehogs building snowmen. Lovely.” The quality of biscuit itself is slightly lacking. “I don’t trust that corners haven’t been cut. This could be the ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ shortbread tin.” The value versus quality debate rages on. “They taste cheap.” “That’s because they ARE cheap.” Ashley Kumar’s uncharacteristically measured response is backed by all. “They do pass the savings on to the consumer, which I like. But it’s Christmas, I’d like a little more butter.”
Verdict: 2/5
Tesco, Shortbread Selection Tin, £4.99/500g
A shortbread turf war erupts. It is generally agreed these are “less sawdusty” than the Lidl counterparts, but there is little love for the brand itself. “Having Tesco on the front cheapens it. They should take that off.” “And sell it from a different shop.” The sticker is duly removed. Consensus forms that butter crumbliness is superior in the Tesco biscuit, and worth the extra pound. Karim senses Emperor’s new clothes, though, declaring: “They taste exactly the same”. Horrocks, meanwhile, has an unexpected complaint: “Why is shortbread always exactly the same shape? They should experiment if they want to compete in the market.”
Verdict: 3/5
Aldi, Belmont Belgian Biscuit Selection, £2.99/500g
Someone cuts their finger opening the packet, yet somehow the biscuits inside get an even less positive reaction. “Thin and wood-tasting,” “Original trench biscuits from the Somme,” and “You give these to your enemy,” are lowlights. “What do Belmont do? I don’t think they’re biscuit makers. Do they make tyres?” someone asks in seriousness. Shah attempts a more critical appraisal. “They taste full of preservatives. Almost chemical. Cheap, dry and boring, with a sell-by date of 2020. Or 1998.” Ashley is less kind. “Like sawdust mixed with chocolate found on the floor.” Might they be improved by dunking? “Yes, in bleach.”
Verdict: 0/5
• East is East is at Trafalgar Studios until 3 January, followed by a limited UK tour, trafalgartransformed.com.
