English breakfast tea
Diplomat Fairtrade English Breakfast Speciality Tea Bags
85p for 50, aldi.co.uk
Respectable clarity and flavour. A whisper of darjeeling. Would stand up well at elevenses.
★★★★
Duchy Organic English Breakfast Tea Bags
£1.99 for 25, waitrose.com
Good colour, clear. Very thin taste. Lacking in profundity and delicacy, nothing happening on the nose at all. Proper vin de table stuff this.
★★★
Clipper Fairtrade Organic Speciality English Breakfast Tea Bags
£2.49 for 40, ocado.com
Watered down contents of a Hoover bag, squeezed through an old sock. That’s as charming as I can be.
★★
Twinings English Breakfast Tea Bags
£2.99 for 50, twinings.co.uk
Deep tannin stains … if that’s what it’s doing to the cup, god knows what it’s doing to my innards.
★
Earl grey tea
We Are Tea Earl Grey Supreme
£2.99 for 15, ocado.com
Lovely appearance. Delicate, elusive bergamot flavour. This has all the reviving qualities one aspires to and looks for in a great earl grey.
★★★★
Co-op Fairtrade Earl Grey Tea Bags
£1.69 for 50, co-operativefood.co.uk
Pleasant, vaguely reviving. Tastes somewhat enhanced, slightly fake, like perfume. It’s all on the nose, there’s no delivery on the tongue.
★★★
Hampstead Tea Organic Fairtrade Divine Earl Grey Tea Bags
£2.39 for 20, hampsteadtea.com
Whatever properties it has, they are well hidden. Lacks the true magic of a great earl grey.
★★
Knightsbridge Earl Grey Tea Bags
85p for 50, lidl.co.uk
A very dark brew, but it has almost no perfume, nothing at all … this has diddly squat. Watery, no pins on that one.
★★
Darjeeling tea
Fortnum & Mason Darjeeling Tea Bags
£7.50 for 20, fortnumandmason.com
Light, but, ooh, that’s very nice, it has that reviving quality. It could take more of a robust brewing, but not much.
★★★★
Marks & Spencer Darjeeling Tea Bags
£1.75 for 50, marksandspencer.com
A delicate, pretty amber colour. Nice nose too. A steady middle-of-the-road darjeeling. Very John Lewis.
★★★
Teapigs Darjeeling Tea Bags
£4.50 for 15, ocado.com
Nothing … that’s amazing! Absolutely nothing, not horrible, just nothing, blank. It’s not bad … it’s just really un-anything.
★★
Twinings Darjeeling Tea Bags
£3.29 for 50, twinings.co.uk
Very thin. The merest whisper of tobacco. I’m not getting anything I can latch on to with gusto.
★★
Green tea
Co-op Fairtrade Green Tea Bags
99p for 20, co-operativefood.co.uk
It almost has that quality that roasted buckwheat tea has … slightly toasted. Very fragrant. Not too shabby. I would be reasonably restored by that.
★★★★
Sainsbury’s Fairtrade Green Tea Bags
75p for 20, sainsburys.co.uk
The palest yellow. Very elusive toastiness. Tastes more like jasmine tea. Exactly what I’d get on a Gerrard Street dim sum trolley.
★★★
Knightsbridge Green Tea Bags
69p for 40, lidl.co.uk
Quite floral. Not unpleasant. It doesn’t linger at all. A clean taste. Slightly perfumed, a whisper of jasmine. Johnny one-note.
★★★
Waitrose 50 pure China green tea bags
£1.60 for 50, waitrose.com
It’s not unpleasant, but there’s a strength in colour and aroma that shouldn’t be here. Very inelegant. It’s quite brash.
★★
Filter coffee
Waitrose 1 Colombian Supremo
£3.29 for 227g, waitrose.com
There’s a whisper of fruit and nut, it’s quite smooth, not too bitter. With a splash of milk and a large croissant, that would pass reasonably well.
★★★★
Union House Blend
£5.25 for 200g, unionroasted.com
If it had a bit more oomph it would be very nice, but I find it quite thin and weak. If you doubled the coffee, it would be perfect.
★★★
Taste the Difference Fairtrade Colombian
£3.50 for 227g, sainsburys.co.uk
Looks murky. Very dense and dark, quite strong. It tastes like the last dregs of one poor bean that’s been squeezed out.
★
Starbucks House Blend
£4.50 for 250g, starbucks.co.uk
You can see it’s staining the cup black already … very thin and slightly sour. It tastes like the fifth pressing rather than the first.
★
Espresso
Illy Espresso Ground Coffee
£6.50 for 250g, ocado.com
Sprightly! That’s not bad at all … smooth, round, slightly fruity, not too bitter or sour. It’s got depth and has a nice robust kick to it. Very good crema.
★★★★
Tesco Finest Fair Trade Espresso Coffee
£2.99 for 227g, tesco.com
Bitter on the nose. l’m not sure that’s all arabica, it tastes quite robustica. There’s a vague attempt to make a decent espresso.
★★★
Marks & Spencer Espresso Roast & Ground Coffee
£3.20 for 227g, marksandspencer.com
Not bad crema, but not great. Lacking entirely in richness; thin, nasty and unpleasant. Brackish.
★★
Selfridges Selection Italian Espresso Coffee
£7.99 for 250g, selfridges.com
Sad looking, sad crema. No flavour. That’s terrible, just terrible. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. Thin and insubstantial.
★
