Monty may be the hottest penguin in town, and his friends from Madagascar may have their own show – but sometimes you can’t beat the real thing. Down at London zoo, Lenny waddles determinedly after keeper Janet Abreu until she stops to give him a stroke – then closes his eyes in delight and practically purrs. Ricky acts like a star, throwing his weight around Penguin Beach. But their handlers promise that, despite the ads and films, fame hasn’t changed them. Looking after such boisterous birds is hard work, so keepers Janet, Glynn, Carl and Daniel agree to take a break from picking up penguins to picking up mince pies. But unlike their charges, who are happy with the occasional bucket of fish, they are picky eaters; recoiling in horror at some (“I wouldn’t give that to a pig”) while uniting behind their favourites (“If they deliver two boxes to the keepers’ lodge, I will make sure the gorillas get them,” says Daniel, who is over here from the primate enclosure.
Tesco Finest, £2.50 for 6
There was not a lot of love for Tesco’s seasonal offering. One keeper was impressed with the look of the pie, but not much else, and it was deemed “style over substance”. Showing slightly better table manners than the animals they look after, they did at least apologise for regurgitating their food. “Sorry, but I am spitting that out,” was the first reaction. Closely followed by: “Yuck, that’s rancid.” Not a great result for Tesco. Verdict: 0/5
Lidl Snowy Lodge luxury mince pies, £1.49 for 6
These went down better, thanks to the generous fillings. “These are nice and full, so you don’t feel like you’re being ripped off,” said our picky pie tasters. “The pastry is nice,” Janet pointed out, but it was the price that won them over – “This is a good-quality, economy buy.” Carl was satisfied too: “I would be happy with that, microwaved with a bit of double cream.” Verdict: 3/5
Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference Mini Ecclefechen & Mincemeat Tart Selection, £2.50 for 9
It’s an impressive name and they certainly look nice, but the pies were not winning over our judges. “That’s like bird food,” said Janet, who let’s face it, would probably know, “They stick to your teeth.” Glynn thought the flavour was wrong: “They are too tart.” While Daniel was even more disparaging: “They taste cheap.” Verdict: 1/5
Bertinet shortcrust pastry mince pies, £22.95 for 12 (including delivery)
Despite the whopping price tag, the zoo keepers awarded top marks to these impressive mince pies. Even after nibbling at 10 other options, the French chef’s offerings were soon finished off. “I thought these were the best before I looked at the price,” said one, “but 23 quid!” Still, the almond flavouring won them over and the results were unanimous. Verdict: 5/5
Aldi all-butter mini mince pies, £1.49 for 12
“Oh my goodness, there is nothing in this,” came the shout. “It’s just a hole inside,” cried Janet. “I wouldn’t feed that to Effie, the greediest gorilla we have,” sniffed Daniel. There were some placatory comments. “They look nice,” said Carl, grudgingly. But nothing could sway them from the lowest mark possible. Verdict: 0/5
Bettys speciality mince pies, £12.50 for 12
And suddenly the wild beasts were tamed. “Oooh, they look nice,” Janet cooed. “Wow,” said Daniel - while Carl pointed out that even the foil and the box looked good. There was some quibbling about the price, but when they bit into them, they were won over. “The pastry is really nice.” Verdict: 4/5
Marks & Spencers handcrafted cranberry & clementine mini mince pie selection, £5 for 12
They look beautiful – some of these mini pies are even dusted with gold, while others are open-topped with a slice of clementine. But the price and the lack of flavour meant they didn’t score well. “It’s too bland,” said one, “and for the price you want more.” Verdict: 2/5
Heston from Waitrose spiced shortcrust mince pies, £3.50 for 6
The zoo keepers may deal in exotic animals, but when it comes to pies, it is possible to stray too far from tradition. “That’s not a mince pie,” Carl proclaimed. The pies were also criticised for being too dry, although the spicing won praise. “It’s more like a loaf than a pie,” was the ultimate verdict. Verdict: 2/5
