Vicars love tea – everyone knows that. And a cup of tea is simply too wet on its own. So when the Guardian put out an appeal for willing clergy to sample the best that the bakery departments have to offer this festive season, there was a stampede of persistent priests. Well, I got there first – and brought my willing husband, Graham, along for the scoffing. We indulged in an evening of sinful gluttony (subsequently confessed and absolved) and tasted 10 of this year’s Christmas cakes. There are not many perks to being a vicar (free funeral, and as many of those little wafers as you can eat), but this was definitely a good day at the office.
Morrisons M Signature iced tree cake 1kg, £7.99
A simple design with a squat, chubby little iced tree and gold ribbon. It’s got a good thick layer of marzipan and was the cakiest of the cakes we tasted. Wetter than a baby at a christening, it edged on the side of soggy rather than moist. It was filling-achingly sweet. Excellent value, a good cake. Verdict: 4/5
Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference snowy house fruit cake 1.04kg, £12
The decoration was simple, effective and cute, a sweet little snowy cottage (not dissimilar to a Dibley vicarage). A drier cake than the others we tried, with a strange, unpleasant and bitter aftertaste. This one is being donated to the Christmas tombola and we won’t be buying a ticket to win it back. Verdict: 1/5
Aldi luxury all-over iced cake 1kg, £6.49
A plain and pretty cake with a beautiful pearlised sheen on the icing. It’s not the flashiest in style or taste, but it’s hard to beat on value. Sweet, rich and moist, the icing was a bit tough to get the knife through, though for the price we’ll put up with that. Verdict: 4/5
Selfridges medium Christmas cake 600g, £14.99
This was the spiciest of the ones we tried, a strong cinnamon flavour with a big citrus kick. Packed with nuts and fruit, there’s not a lot of cake for your money, but what you do get is excellent. It won’t stretch for many for Christmas Day tea, but it’s pretty and packs a punch. One for when the bishop drops in. Verdict: 4/5
Daylesford organic Christmas cake 1.2kg, £24.99
This cake is best described as rustic. It has no icing or marzipan, but is decorated with walnuts, almonds and slices of glazed orange. It will need to be stored in an airtight tin because the lack of icing means it might dry out quickly, unless you just want to eat the whole thing in one sitting. It’s a drier cake than some of the others and has a higher sponge-to-fruit ratio. Verdict: 2/5
Bettys royal iced wreath Christmas cake 2.4kg, £57.50
Wow! It’s everything you want in a Christmas cake, beautiful, tasty and decadent. The icing is thick and sweet, the marzipan moreish and the cake boozy and rich. Twice as heavy as most of the opposition, it’s also more expensive than most – we’ve owned cars that were worth less than this cake. But if you have loads of friends over after the carol service you’d have to work very hard to beat it. Alternatively, if you’re not a clergy person obliged to be honest at all times, give them the perfectly decent Aldi one and save this for yourself. Verdict: 5/5
Tesco Finest iced rich fruit cake 907g, £10
The box says this cake serves 16; we think that would be pushing it. It was one of the prettier cakes we reviewed and had those lovely silver balls on it. Blessed with rich flavours and loads of cherries, we think it’s a bargain, on offer for a fiver until 9 December. Verdict: 4/5
Waitrose Christmas richly fruited parcel cake 1.5kg, £20
A brown cake that’s supposed to look like a parcel. It doesn’t; it just looks like a brown cake. It doesn’t seem right. Christmas cakes are white. This one is made in partnership with Fiona Cairns. We had to Google her – apparently she made Will and Kate’s wedding cake. The marzipan covering is quite thin, but the cake itself is rich and moist, packed with fruit and huge nuts, though it does fall apart when cut. It scores OK for taste, but low for looks. Verdict: 2/5
Marks & Spencer bright lights white Christmas cake, 1.57kg, £25
It lights up! It’s a cake with fairy lights! We like, too, that they have gone to the trouble of icing the cake board (the only one we tried that did). The icing was thick and required some determination to get the knife through, but the cake was lovely underneath. Just what you’d expect from Marks and Sparks – good value and great taste. Good old M&S, traditional and reliable, the Church of England of shops. Verdict: 4/5 (extra point for fairy lights; cake is only available in store)
Fortnum & Mason King George cake 500g, £20
This exceedingly expensive cake (£40 per kilo) didn’t come on a board but on a piece of felt, a bit like a wet wipe. We were disappointed it wasn’t fully iced (which you couldn’t tell from looking at the box) but, as you’d expect from the Queen’s favourite grocer, it had a traditional feel. Classic, but understated and good for a post-Christmas evensong. Flavourwise, it was boozy and very grown up; it was the fruitiest cake we tried. It’s available in different sizes according to your guest list or greed. Verdict: 3/5
• Kate Bottley is vicar of Blyth, Scrooby and Ranskill, Nottinghamshire
