US tech firm Apple has lost a legal fight with Swiss watchmakers Swatch over the use of the phrase "one more thing".
Hang on – having watched endless hours of daytime telly during lockdown, surely I’m right in saying TV ‘tec Columbo could take them BOTH to court?
I’ve been glued to classic telly repeats since the start of the Covid pandemic.
Forget comfort eating, I prefer comfort viewing. As Mrs C will confirm, I’ve been like this for years.
Yep, don’t mind admitting I’ve never watched a single episode of Line Of Duty, Schitt’s Creek, The Crown, Game Of Thrones and all the other t“water-cooler” programmes.
Even as a lifelong football fan, I still haven’t seen the critically-acclaimed documentaries on Diego Maradona and Pele.
Settled down one night to watch the Maradona doc but, well, a classic repeat of I’m Alan Partridge was just starting on UK Gold…
I’m basically a creature of habit who baulks at the idea of watching something new on TV.
Killing Eve? Succession? Fleabag? No thanks, I’m happy with Only Fools And Horses – my specialised chosen subject if I was on Mastermind – and my 200th viewing of The Jolly Boys’ Outing (yep, the cracker with Del Boy & Co on a “beano” to Margate).
Another firm favourite is the US sitcom Cheers – all 11 series are shown on a loop by Channel 4 and I record the double bill every morning.
The Boston bar has been my favourite watering hole since the early 80s when I’d sprint home from the Boys’ Brigade on a Friday night to catch the start of every unmissable episode. I actually think my proudest moment as a dad was teaching my wee lassie to sing the famous theme song when she was four. I’m also happy as Larry – that’s Larry David – with the daily re-runs of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
And my usual nightcap is two episodes of Bullseye on Challenge TV. Nostalgic telly which, if nothing else, serves to remind you just how popular white sports socks were in the 80s.
Another old fave is Have I Got News For You. Lots of repeats across several channels to keep me smiling and, joy of joys, Paul Merton and Ian Hislop return with a new series next week.
I haven’t missed a single edition of the topical news quiz since it started in 1990 and I insist the first time Bruce Forsyth guest-hosted the show was the greatest 30 minutes in British TV history. (As a huge fan of Brucie, you don’t need to ask if the morning repeats of Play Your Cards Right feature on my Sky Planner…) This week, while many of you were tuning into new stuff like Unforgotten on STV or The Syndicate on BBC1, I rolled back the years on Netflix with two comedy crackers – Still Game and Benidorm.
It’s hard to beat a half-hour in the company of Jack, Victor and the Craiglang gang and I’ve been a huge fan of the crazy characters at The Solano Hotel since the hilarious stage show came to Glasgow a couple of years ago. (If memory serves, that night didn’t get off to a great start. It was £6.50 for a Budvar in the theatre bar – I should have gone all-inclusive – and just before curtain up, I edged along our row to discover a big German bloke had put his towel on my seat.)
Yes, folks, when the pubs finally re-open and groups of pals are dissecting the sixth series of Line Of Duty, I’ll be the one in the corner playing the puggy…
PS. Staying with telly, the revamped Question Of Sport will be presented by a comedian rather than an ex-sportsperson (like former host Sue Barker).
Simply because it’s the only thing he HASN’T been on, my money’s on Romesh Ranganathan.
Sea you guys..
After hearing chart-topping former Airdrie postman Nathan Evans on Off The Ball last Saturday, I received a wee sea shanty from my pal Ian.
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Early in the morning.
Well, you DON’T let him drive a cargo freighter…
Nathan tried to write a song about the Suez ship, but he got stuck. I had to laugh when it was claimed the logjam of 400 vessels could cause another toilet paper shortage.
No chance. Every house in the country’s still got 200 rolls in the hall cupboard.
Hearts breaker
Good news if you’re running out of films after a year indoors – a new Mrs Doubtfire movie is being released, featuring all the outtakes from the original comedy classic.
I’m told the director has a similar idea he’d like to put to Hearts TV…
Fiz-ing mad!
Coronation Street star Alan Halsall reckons he’ll get clubbed round the ear in Tesco after Tyrone cheated on his wife Fiz with young Alina.
No you won’t, mate.
1/ It’s a TV programme.
2/ Tyrone’s a fictional character.
3/ Folk aren’t really that stupid.
4/ Even if they were, there’s a two-metre social distancing rule in place.
Stop talking sh*te.
Not happily liver after
Scotland’s new opt-out law for organ donations started last Friday.
Basically, unless you state you DON’T want to donate your kidneys, etc, the medics can fire in.
(But only when you’re deid, of course!)
So it appears the donor card is a thing of the past.
However, after a year cooped up in the house, my wife reckons I should carry one that reads: I wouldn’t bother with the liver if I was you…
Moody blues
Careful, folks, if working from home means you ignore the alarm and enjoy an extra hour or two in your kip - a US study has revealed that having a lie-in makes you moody.
Aye, as Mrs Van Winkle once said: “See you, Rip, you are one crabbit b******.”
Meanwhile, aimed at couples who argue over the temperature at night, Aldi is selling a duvet that’s 4.5 togs on one side and 10.5 togs on the other (they’re in the middle aisle between the cement mixers and the glockenspiels).
Don’t know what it’s like in your house, but my wife would DEFINITELY want the 10.5 side… with the electric blanket switched on… in the middle of July.
To spice up the long lockdown nights, have any of you lovebirds taken the Jennifer Arcuri and Boris Johnson approach and read Shakespeare “as a kind of foreplay routine”?
Nah, I can’t imagine that being very popular in Scotland. I mean, come on, foreplay???
Mrs C says my sexual performance often reminds her of Shakespeare.
Much Ado About Nothing.
PS. BoJo’s mistress was awarded £126,000 of tax-payers’ money. And luckily for her, it wasn’t promised on the side of a bus…
Car trouble
A pal phoned me last week to ask what I was up to.
“Failing my driving test,” I said…
Nah, that’s just a joke. I passed my test in 2012 as the age of 43. After starting my lessons in 1987 at the age of 18…
Seriously, I was extremely nervous on the morning of my test (even four large vodkas couldn’t calm my nerves) so here’s my advice to any young learners.
When the Covid regulations are relaxed (and if you don’t mind a wee trip to Wales), ask the DVLA if you can sit your driving test in Pwllheli Gwynedd – as reported this week, it boasts an 86 per cent pass rate.
The hardest part will be trying to spell the town on your application form.
Our roads have been quieter since March 2020, but they’re still very dangerous.
Last week, a motorist eating breakfast with no hands on the wheel was among 188 drivers snared in five days by Surrey cops.
Reminds me of the time I overtook a woman on the M8 who was using - wait for it - her hair-straighteners!
I was so shocked, I dropped my razor into my cornflakes.
My fave funny photos of the week
Holidays this year.
This is due to Cowona Viwus...
The captain of the Suez cargo ship is finally revealed.
Zoo-keeper regrets agreeing to work from home.
After over-indulging since March 2020, the doc advised me to cut out drinking...
Text jokes of the week
● My friends have asked me to go camping with them after lockdown, so I’ve made a list of everything I need: 1/ New friends.
● The Novavax vaccine is to be manufactured at Barnard Castle. I bet nobody saw that Cumming…
● Stay Covid safe by creating your own Wetherspoons pub at home. Simply half-fill a glass with beer and top it up with warm water, then pee all over your bathroom floor.
● My pal keeps singing songs by Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Tony Bennett. We think he’s got the crooner virus.
● My wife asked which of her friends I’d like to have a threesome with after lockdown. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to pick two of them…
● Families have just discovered that a £5000 fine for holidaying abroad is cheaper than going to Center Parcs in July.
Clean car is at steak
When we emerge from lockdown, Greggs will take on McDonald’s and KFC with drive-thrus at retail parks.
Hmmm.
As anyone who’s been in my car will confirm, I keep it spotless.
And that’s why – as much as I LOVE a steak bake – I’m not keen on this idea. Two words: flaky pastry.
Pandemic punchlines
Another week, another round of daft questions for Professor Jason Leitch from the boys on my WhatsApp group...
- If there’s a movie about the pandemic, will it be directed by Quentin Quarantino?
- Is it true that, due to adverse publicity, Corona beer is changing its name to Ebola?
- Before lockdown, I was considered a couch potato. Now I’m apparently a responsible adult. Which is it?
- If vaccine passports are required for international travel, will I have to send my passport away or can they just inject it at the airport?
- And can I insist they don’t use the page with my photo on it as I have a fear of needles?
And finally..
My Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy went to his local outdoor swimming pool when it re-opened on Monday.
However, he says it was rubbish. Due to social distancing only lanes one, three and five had water in them.
