Scotland striker Ollie McBurnie – a player who missed Euro 2020 due to injury – was in the papers this week following allegations of him attacking a man in the street.
And I just thought I’d mention it as it might be the only time this month you read about a Scotland player attacking…
Blank Czech was just one of the headlines in the wake of Monday’s shattering 2-0 defeat when a big fella called Patrik scored twice to leave us Schick As A Parrot.
And now we’ve got it all to do against England and Croatia. An uphill task? This is a job for Sir Edmund Hillary.
At the Fan Zone in Glasgow Green, some Scotland supporters were in tears. And so would you be if you were charged £6 for a pint of Tennent's in a plastic cup.
Meanwhile, the punters who watched the game in Scotland’s pubs had been banned from cheering and singing… so let’s thank Stevie Clarke and the boys for making sure they didn’t fall foul of any Covid regulations.
It’s funny to think back to last week when Michael Gove was branded “clueless” after his office suggested holding a four-nation government meeting at the same time as Scotland v Czech Republic.
With the benefit of hindsight, I know which event I’d have rather sat through…
At my age, I can shrug off the bitter disappointment. Peru. Iran. Costa Rica. Morocco. Been there, done that, been pig-sick down the front of the T-shirt.
So I’m hardly going to lose sleep over a 2-0 defeat to a very decent side like the Czech Republic.
Don’t forget, folks, the Czechs are SO good that former Scotland boss Craig Levein didn’t even bother playing a striker against them…
Nah, this was simply the latest in a long line of crushing blows for the Tartan Army (I can assure you there will be more to come) and I was reminded this week of a cracking email sent to Off The Ball a number of years ago. A listener said: “When I die, I want the Scotland team to lower me into my grave. It will be the last time they ever let me down…”
That’s actually quite beautiful, isn’t it?
On our shows this week – yep, this is my plug for the Off The Ball Euro 2020 daily specials, 1-2pm on BBC Radio Scotland – the punters have been having a field day with poor old David Marshall. (Seems a lifetime ago since he saved that penalty in Serbia, eh?)
Here’s just a couple of favourites off the top of my head.
“I’d make just one change for the game at Wembley on Friday night – I’d bring in Billy Gilmour to replace Marshall in midfield.”
“Craig Gordon was better positioned for the second goal – and he was on the bench.”
Another listener said: “I was going to tell you a great David Marshall joke, but it would probably go right over your head…”
On Tuesday’s programme, the morning after the night before, we played out with a song dedicated to the big keeper.
A few top class contenders including From A Distance (Bette Midler), I Should Have Known Better (Jim Diamond), One Step Beyond (Madness) and Get Back (The Beatles). But we plumped for a 1960s classic by Dion… The Wanderer!
PS. Please don’t give up hope of Stevie Clarke’s boys springing a surprise at Wembley tomorrow night. According to the weather forecast, the south-east of England is due to be hit by thunder, lightning, hail and torrential downpours.
So that might give us a wee edge as it’ll be just like a classic Scottish summer.
We’ve already got an upper hand on our old foes in terms of the accommodation. Yep, while the England squad is staying at a four-star hotel, we’re in Rockcliffe Hall in Darlington - and that’s five-star. A posh gaff? I’ll say.
Apparently, there’s a sign on every bedroom door that says: “In the event of a fire, gentlemen are kindly requested to wear smoking jackets…”
PPS. Fancy a Bovril long shot? Costing £4.50, it’s a new drink created by an Edinburgh pub group for Euro 2020 and it’s basically a cocktail of the famous football beefy beverage and Highland Park whisky.
I’d certainly give it a bash – but here’s my advice to ALL bar staff in Scotland’s capital city. If David Marshall pops in for a drink after the Euros, DO NOT ask if he fancies a long shot…
After the jag, I felt as wobbly as my bank balance
Boffins at Texas University claim Covid-19 can affect your balance.
Well, after 15 months of daily visits to the drinks aisle in Morrisons, I’ve just checked my bank statement – and they’re spot on...
I got my second jag at the NHS Louisa Jordan in Glasgow last Wednesday and, to be honest, it was like putting a needle into a bouncy castle – I was flat as a pancake.
Spent the next three days in my kip, in fact.
But you know what? It was all worth it as I’m now 100 per cent vaccinated and FULL of antibodies.
I also enjoyed a wee laugh that morning during a phone call to one of my daft pals.
After telling him I was going to The Hydro at half-eleven, he said: “Whit fur?”
And I’ve got a horrible feeling he believed me when I said: “A matinee performance by The Eagles...”
PS. Getting back to the bevvy, hands up if you’re coping with 25mls of spirits in the bars and restaurants after 15 months of “hoose measures”?
As a wise man observed at the height of the pandemic last summer: “Let’s hope the pubs open soon before I become an alcoholic...”
Flat-pack four
I thought Sweden defended resolutely in the 0-0 draw with Spain on Monday night.
As the home of IKEA, they played a flat-pack four
Avoid a full moon
IT’S the best bit of advice I’ve heard in a while, it was passed on by my pal Ian and I thought I’d better share it with you – so here goes... Never moon at a werewolf.
● I’m planning a camping holiday this summer but I’m far from impressed with the travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night, I’ll no longer be covered.
Bionic crush
Lorraine Kelly’s daughter Rosie has revealed how the boys at her school used to fancy
her mum. Ah yes, your first crush. There’s a topic that immediately gives away your age. The first two pin-ups on my list were Lindsay Wagner, left, who played The Bionic Woman, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors from Charlie’s Angels.
I also had two “cartoon” crushes – Maggie Broon from Scotland’s most famous family... and the sexy rabbit from the Cadbury’s Caramel adverts. Is that a bit weird? (“Yes!” - Ed.)
Bocelli reminded me of when I sang with Pavarotti...
The highlight of the Euros so far – apart from Christian Eriksen’s miraculous recovery, thank goodness – was surely Andrea Bocelli’s spine-tingling rendition of Nessun Dorma before the opening fixture in Rome.
It immediately brought back memories of the late, great Luciano Pavarotti at the unforgettable 1990 World Cup in Italy.
And, on a personal note, it transported me back to 1999 and the Royal Albert Hall in London as that’s where I saw the world’s greatest ever tenor in concert as a 30th birthday treat.
I was sitting right down the front and what can I say? The big man was absolutely brilliant.
But he was also very crabbit. Didn’t like you joining in...
Meanwhile, according to a favourite old gag, Airdrie is the only place in Scotland where they sell Father’s Day cards in packs of four.
Ahead of this year’s Father’s Day (it’s this Sunday, boys and girls), a survey says the traditional Sunday roast is the dinner Scots find the most stressful to prepare.
Nah, try heating up a tin of alphabetti spaghetti for my wife.
Sounds simple, but she’s got OCD and insists all the letters are cooked in the right order.
My fav funny photos of the week
Is that Simon Cowell cheering for Scotland at Hampden?
Shelley Kerr pops into the BBC studios for a dental appointment.
When your nan falls in love with the waiter from Zante.
This could be fun.
You don’t know the meaning of the word “concentration” until you carry one of these from the sink to the fridge.
Text jokes of the week
● It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub. And it’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
● Does anyone else rip off their mask walking out of a shop like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy?
● I found that I’ve been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained it’s all down to the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.
● I’m sure my best pal is having an affair with my wife. He’s been really miserable lately.
● Is there anything more disappointing in life than the fact Head & Shoulders don’t do a body wash called Knees & Toes?
A unique experience
After the famous music festival was cancelled for the second year on the spin, the BBC have stepped in to show a special weekend of Glastonbury programmes at the end of this month.
To enjoy the unique Glastonbury experience, I suggest watching it on a TV set a mile-and-a-half away while a guy smoking dope pees down the back of your legs.
One Ned we'll miss
He was terrific in films like Superman and Hear My Song (playing Irish singer Josef Locke), but I suppose the great American actor Ned Beatty, who passed away this week at the age of 83, will always be synonymous with the 1970s movie classic Deliverance.
As a mark of respect, I suggest a period of mourning in Sanquhar.
And finally
Sex experts claim the best time of day to enjoy a wee bit of slap ’n’ tickle is 7.30am.
It’s not advised, however, if you’re on the 7.20am bus.
