JULY
A parrot has been winding-up its Rangers -daft owner by shouting ‘Mon the Hoops!’ at her. Next time the bird’s within earshot, she should say: “Alexa… what’s the number for KFC?” Problem solved.
Highlight of my summer trip to Blackpool? Overhearing a fellow Scot in the caravan next to us suddenly yelling to his wife: “The wean’s got sh**e all up her back! We’ll need to get her into the bath when we’re hame…”
The Who frontman Roger Daltrey, left, has warned kids to turn down music to protect their hearing in later life as both he and fellow band member Pete Townshend are partially deaf. On the plus side, though, they’re now one-third better at pinball…
Scientists have revealed that eating potatoes could increase the risk of developing three serious health issues: obesity, diabetes and heart disease.
That’s it. From now on, I’m sticking to chips.
Supermarkets have been running low on all sorts of stuff – I popped into Aldi yesterday and they were down to their last four trombones.
The Carry On films are being labelled for the woke generation on Britbox for containing mild sexual references and innuendo. Asked if they’ll EVER be able to screen an unedited Carry On classic, a spokesman for the streaming service said: “It’s getting harder and harder but I think I can pull it off.”
Richard Curtis has floated the idea of a Vicar Of Dibley Christmas special.
Surely it’d make Christmas even more special if he didn’t?
My immediate reaction to the photos of Wayne Rooney with three semi-naked 21-year-old girls? Well, if he couldn’t get a 63-year-old…
AUGUST
Research says that bees – just like humans – get a buzz from caffeine. I now hope I spot one ordering a large latte from any High Street coffee chain. Just to see how THEY like being stung.
Scottish actress Karen Gillan, below, – star of Guardians of the Galaxy and Jumanji – is growing her own fruit & veg in Los Angeles. And she’s so keen on this new hobby, I hear forthcoming film projects include Last Mango In Paris, The Great Train Raspberry, Brewster’s Melons, Conan The Rhubarbarian, The Texas Coleslaw Massacre, Radish Of The Lost Ark, El Swede and When Haricot Met Celery.
Scotland’s nightclubs finally reopened last weekend and the sheer joy of being back at “the dancing” was perhaps best summed up by a pal of mine – a single guy in his late 40s - who said: “I got five knock-backs on Saturday night … and it was BRILLIANT!”
A 40-year-old slice of Charles and Di’s wedding cake has sold at auction for £1850! That’s crazy. For the same sort of money, you could get a freshly-made box of Krispy Kreme donuts.
Fans of The King attended the world’s biggest Elvis Presley festival at Porthcrawl, South Wales. The favourite Elvis song in Wales? It must be The Wonder Of Ewes…
It was a terrific success by all accounts and I’d now love the event to come to Scotland next year. My favourite Elvis tartan tracks? Harthill Hotel, The Wonder Of Uist, Crying In Drumchapel, You’re The Darvel In Dalguise, King Crail, Way On Doune, Viva Largs Vegas, Return To Senga, A Little Luss Conversation, In The Glencoe, A Fool Such As Eyemouth and Bridge Of Weir Troubled Water.
A book was returned to library in Paisley more than 50 years late with a £20 note and a handwritten letter saying “sorry”. That’s amazing, eh? A library in Paisley?
To India, where a crook wearing a clown’s mask broke into two cashpoint machines. He was quickly nabbed by police, however, when the doors and wheels fell off his getaway car.
SEPTEMBER
Scientists have found the world’s. northernmost island. Located off the coast of Greenland, it measures just 100ft x 200ft and is mostly mud and gravel.
The only other thing the experts know about it? Well, it will almost certainly be in England’s group for the next World Cup qualifiers.
Transport enthusiast Paul Lacey, 68, has just finished writing a book on the history of buses – 50 years after he started. And, sadly for Paul, another two appeared at the same time…
A pal of mine bluntly refused to wear a face-covering when he started back at work last week. Lo and behold, he’s now in hospital. I really don’t think he was cut out to be a bee keeper.
Promoting his new film Cry Macho – in which he played a washed-up rodeo star – the great Clint Eastwood, right, says he has no plans to retire at the grand old age of 91. So, with co-stars including Fred Astairlift, Sean Coronary, Crocked Hudson and Wesley Pipe & Slippers, here’s a wee list of movies that might interest Hollywood’s oldest superstar: Gunfight At The OAP Corral, It’s A Wonderful Life Assurance Policy, I Forgot What You Did Last Summer, Sleeping With The Enema, The Best Little Sheltered Housing Complex In Texas, Senior Citizen Kane, The Meals On Wheels Lady Always Rings Twice, The Four Horsemen Of The Replacement Hips, The Gums Of Navarone, Nursing Home Alone, Gout Of Africa, Sleeping In Seattle, Sanatogen Claus: The Movie, Geriatric Maguire, Diazepams Are Forever, Monty Python And The Wholly Frail, Who Zimmer Framed Roger Rabbit?, 101 Palpitations, The 39 Steps Are Killing Me, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Dentures and Honey I’ve Shrunk.
OCTOBER
Electric guitar inventor Les Paul’s personal Gibson – known as the Number One – is being sold at auction. The iconic instrument has been played by the likes of Jimmy Page, Marc Bolan, Pete Townshend and Noel Gallagher and it’s expected to fetch £75,000. Think that’s impressive? A couple of years ago, I sold my air guitar to a fella from Airdrie for £200.
James Corden has been asking fans of his US chat show to suggest guests for his carpool karaoke slot. Can I nominate Katie Price, below?
A campaign has been launched to introduce a national holiday to celebrate our very own Braveheart – the one and only Sir William Wallace. “What a great idea – an earner at last,” said the Ibrox face-painter.
Due to the wrong date being advertised, a pop duo in Germany attracted an audience of just ELEVEN people. It was such a success, however, they’ve been invited to guest-present The Nine on BBC Scotland.
NOVEMBER
It’s been revealed that the UK’s biggest fans of heavy metal and hard rock are… pensioners! Yep, it seems the over-65s are right into Metallica and AC/DC, so forget any jokes about the auld yins being more familiar with hip-op.
Other musical acts that may appeal to our OAPs? How about Derek and the Dominoes Team, Gums N’ Rosaries, New Kidneys On The Block, Atomic Knitting, Katy Sherry, LooLoo, The Elderly Brothers and – Scotland’s finest – The Bay City Heated Rollers?
Hats off to Yorkshire Council who have surely come up with the greatest ever list of names for their gritter lorries. This winter’s fleet includes David Plowie, Basil Salty, Roger Spreaderer, Gritney Spears and – my favourite – Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Anti-Slip Machiney. The best in Scotland so far? Well, in tribute to our new Scottish football anthem, it’s got to be Yes Sir, Ice Can Boogie.
What about that incredible story on the front of Monday’s paper?
An eight-minute emergency ambulance took 36 hours! Tell you what, in this day and age, it would take a very brave person – and certainly not me – to even HINT at a joke about women drivers…
DECEMBER
Good news for all us Coronation Street fans – the legendary Roy Cropper is making his comeback on the cobbles at Christmas. After signing everything over to his niece Nina, regular viewers feared the cafe owner was away to South America for good. Nah, no chance. He’d never be able to stand the heat in that anorak…
Health chiefs have warned just how quickly Covid clusters can emerge after a number of cases were reported at the Fairmont Hotel in St Andrews following a Take That tribute night. A spokesman said: “It only takes a minute…”
Celtic striker Kyogo is loving life so much that he now refers to Scotland as his second home. I think he’d REALLY like Airdrie – it’s a dive.
A Bristol man got stuck inside his washing machine last week after a game of hide and seek with his kids. Good news? The fire service got him out safely. Bad news? One of his socks was missing…
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