Dear Agony Akka,
I am a 19-year-old boy who has fallen in love with a beautiful girl that I see in the bus-stop every morning on my way to college. It seems like she is also on her way to college, which is one strong common point between us. She likes to wear jeans and kurta and that is my usual outfit also. We both are carrying books always. All this made me realise that she is my soulmate. Then came the peak moment. I am always staring at her. For two days now she has stared back. There is a frown on her face but that might be because of strong sunlight. I know she loves me. I want to propose to her. Should I follow her home? Or send her a letter? Please advise.
— Thrilled, Waiting, Impatient, Tingling
Dear TWIT,
I have just now seen one powerful video where a man such as yourself, imagining himself madly in love with a young woman, gatecrashes her wedding and tries to smear her forehead with sindoor even as the bride and groom are exchanging garlands. No doubt he imagines himself to be a romantic and tragic figure but in ordinary, legal language, such people are called ‘stalkers’. Admittedly, Stalker and Victim does not have the same ring as Romeo and Juliet, but legal luminaries are not always great writers, I am sorry to say.
They are very good punishers though. Even as Tamil and Hindi cinema goes about glorifying these young men who chase women all around the countryside, the Indian Penal Code language is quite brisk and clear and describes these actions as a ‘sexual harassment crime’. In short, if you follow this girl home, you can be sent to jail for 2-3 years with hefty fine. I have always found that a stint in jail tends to dull the edge of passion.
Meanwhile, I must inform you that the neighbourhood cat and I are exhibiting some extraordinarily similar behaviour. For example, we both seem to sleep for 12-14 hours a day. We both like drinking. She keeps demanding milk while I alternate between coffee and certain stronger spirits. We are both obsessed with the balcony. We can sit there for hours. Yet, unlike you, I have not developed any strong yearning to write her a note or follow her home.
Also, here is some breaking news for you — if a girl frowns at you, it is not a sign of hidden love. Science has no reason yet to believe that women’s facial expressions are inversely proportionate to their true feelings. If there is any update on this, I will get back to you.
As far as I can see, the affection you are describing is about as reciprocal as that between a dog and a lamppost. I realise that the best traditions of our cinema dictate that you now swing around the lamppost while yodelling but in real life this does not play out well. Please stop troubling the lamppost. Go home.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
