PAWN STAR
You’re only as good as your last game, right? Well, the Fiver has just lost a game of chess in two moves to Fiver Jr, so you can take your quotations book and stick it up your Bobby Bacala. But you’re probably safe to utter such pearls of wisdom around down Tottenham Way, because yesterday’s crisis club Spurs are now Europe’s form team! Spurs’ happy 5-0 evisceration of Red Star Belgrade has lifted the mood around the club. It also suggested that reports of a 44-man Royal Rumble in the bowels of White Hart Lane 2.0, right next to the door marked Do One, may have been greatly exaggerated.
“It’s exactly what we needed,” said occasional ventriloquist Harry Kane, without moving his mouth or his brain. “It was a great performance with a lot of energy, plenty of goals and a clean sheet. It was almost the perfect night. It can’t stop here, though, it was a game we were expected to win. We have a very tough game on Sunday and hopefully we can take this momentum into that.”
Spurs’ next game is away at Anfield on Sunday. Before that, Liverpool have to address their slightly meddlesome away form with a trip to Belgium to play Genk. Liverpool have lost six of their last eight away games in Big Cup, including the last four in the group stage, and another defeat tonight would leave them in danger of being forced to acknowledge the existence of the Europa League. Oh, the humanity! “Last year we were lucky with how tight the group was that we could lose three times away and still have a chance to make it through the group,” said Jürgen Klopp, idly drawing a bullseye on a picture of José Mourinho. “That will not happen this year. It’s completely different.”
There was some good injury news for Liverpool, with Manchester City’s Rodri suffering hamstring knack in their 5-1 win over Atalanta. City became the first team to win a Big Cup game without producing a single bead of sweat between them. But Rodri’s injury means he may be unavailable for the Bigger than Big match at Anfield on 10 November. “I didn’t speak with Rodri or the doctor just yet but looks like a hamstring,” said Pep Guardiola MD.
Rodri’s injury just before half-time meant an early introduction for world-class physical comedian John Stones – except he wasn’t ready to go on, which led to a brief and spectacular loss of noggin from his usually happy-go-lucky manager. Pep slammed a seat, put his head in his hands and stomped off in a manner that briefly changed the ground temperature from a bracing 10°C to an invigorating 142.
That’s the thing with perfectionists: we only accept the best. Right, where’s that chess board? We’ll take that little brat to 10 moves if it’s the last thing we do.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Games are allowed on weekdays from 8am to 8pm and Sundays from 9am to 1pm and 3pm to 8pm” – Freiburg have told they cannot stage night games or matches between 1pm and 3pm on Sundays at their new €80m stadium, which is due to open next season, because of fears over noise.
FIVER LETTERS
“In response to Brian Ross’s letter (yesterday’s Fiver) asking the last occasion anyone saw a goalkeeper penalised for time-wasting, I’d say it was a week ago last Saturday at my sons’ East Berks FA Under-18s match. As his team’s manager it was most pleasing the infringement was by the opposition goalkeeper, and to say he, their manager, and frankly everyone there was surprised would be an understatement. Alas at this particular level (Division 6 of 7, since you ask) we don’t tend to practice indirect free-kicks all that often. So unfortunately the opportunity given to us, like Weird Uncle Fiver, was completely wasted” – Adrian Bradshaw.
“To answer Brian Ross’ question, August 6, 2012” – Michael Foxcroft.
“I’m with Brian Ross. I regularly shout at the TV when keepers defending leads take 15 seconds or more holding on to the ball late in games. It upsets the cat a lot more than the referee. In other news, last night I dreamt about Mo Salah having a haircut” – Robert Macmillan.
“I’m a regular subscriber to The Fiver, though I try to not let it get around, and I have always, well, almost always, enthused over the fact that such loose (*lose – Fiver Ed) journalism, completely outside any form of logical reality, should have vent. Now I am in thraldom, though. All those floating-brains-in-a-jar harking back to the lights of Maurizio Ganz and Tomas Locatelli (notably missing tonight at Eithiad Stadium), not to mention Zulte Waragems and FK Suduvas! You are definitely the real masters of World Football! Move over Uefa! Real football lives thanks to The Fiver! Also, my applause to Mr. Unacampus’s letter today - right on the spot” – Alfredo Hamill.
“FAO Adam Uncamus (yesterday’s Fiver Letters). The mark of a true great is a man who can play the accordion, but doesn’t” – Derek McGee.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Adrian Bradshaw.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
1995’s Savo Milosevic, now coach of Partizan Belgrade, expects no chants of the grim, racist variety when his side face Manchester United on Thursday. “I expect everything to be fair and in the spirit of the sport,” he expected.
Should Bayern boss Niko Kovac be pointed through the Do One door, they might go after Ralf Rangnick as his replacement, if Ed Woodward and co at Old Trafford don’t get to him first.
Manchester City, Barcelona and Real Madrid are all fluttering their eyelashesw towards Napoli’s Fabián Ruiz, Fabrizio Romano exclusively reveals.
Middle-of-the-night BST news: River Plate reached the Copa Liberdatores final at the expense of Boca Juniors. Jonathan Wilson was there to take it all in.
John Fleming, the Scottish FA’s head of referees, has died aged 62. He was “beloved by the refereeing community, among whom his loss will be felt most profoundly”, read an SFA statement.
STILL WANT MORE?
“We’re not going to end racism with a stupid hashtag.” Ben Fisher talks exclusively to Charlton striker Lyle Taylor.
Ajax welcome Chelsea with open arms, toots Jacob Steinberg, because May was a long, long time ago for all concerned.
Barney Ronay on Son Heung-min.
Which team endured the biggest goals swing between two results? The Knowledge’s crowdsourcing team of light-deprived beard-strokers have the answer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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