KLOPP AT THE TOP
Following a weekend of exhaustive poppy-related remembrance ceremonies during which several football matches broke out, Liverpool find themselves on the summit of the Premier League for the first time since May 2014 as the club game pauses briefly for another quiet period of reflection on the next World Cup and the efforts of various countries to qualify for it. The day after imperious Chelsea had swatted Everton aside, Liverpool’s entertainers swashed their particular buckles once again, winning by a tennis score against a Watford side that must have been relieved their match wasn’t the best of five sets.
It was the Liverpool many neutrals have come to know and not dislike as much as usual: free-scoring up front, while remaining incapable of keeping a clean sheet in a match where their goalkeeper was far from idle. “It was a good performance on the pitch and on the stands, so it was a really nice afternoon,” beamed Jürgen Klopp, who quickly poured icy cold water all over the notion that Liverpool city council should start making plans for an open top bus tour to celebrate the club’s first title win since 1990. “There are no guarantees,” he laughed. “The only thing we have is a pretty good football team, so let’s try to use it.”
Klopp’s not wrong. So enamoured are Liverpool’s fans with their pretty good football team, they spent time yesterday singing “if we still had Suárez he’d be on the bench”, a song name-checking the star of their most recent brush with title glory, which ended in disaster at Selhurst Park with the man in question covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably at the horror of the shambles that had just unfolded. While several of the players who started for Liverpool that night remain at the club, none are first-choice starters under Klopp. Others have moved on and after a season-long farewell tour in which he enjoyed a longer goodbye than Frank Sinatra, speculation is rife that former midfield general $tevie Mbe could be on his way back to Liverpool now that his time as an LA Galaxy player appears to be over. Galaxy lost their MLS play-off match against Kevin Doyle’s Colorado Rapids on penalties to bring an end to the club’s season. And with Gerrard’s contract due to expire next month and the player having expressed a desire to move back to Merseyside from California, the club are unlikely to offer him another one. The midfielder has previously hinted that a return to Liverpool in some coaching capacity could be on the cards, having already spent 25 years at a club where he won every trophy available … except one.
An occasional pundit with BT Sport, Gerrard has already discussed a return to Liverpool with Klopp and it seems the door is open for a return should he wish to go back. “I’ve got dreams and aspirations of one day going into coaching and management but at the moment I’m nowhere near ready for management,” said Gerrard in January. Now it is believed an apprenticeship spent teaching Liverpool’s youth players to ping 60-yard Hollywood balls out of the training ground could appeal as he completes his coaching badges.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Michael Butler brings you the FA Cup second round draw – live at 7.10pm GMT!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My brothers are older than me – I was the youngest, and they used to tease me about a kids TV character called Alf. Do you know him? Alf the alien, my God he was so ugly and I was so scared of him. My brothers used to say: ‘Be careful, Alf is going to get you tonight!’ They went too far with it!” – it turns out that Olivier Giroud’s biggest fear isn’t defenders who can run fast but the popular 1980s wrinkled extra-terrestrial member of the Tanner family.
SHAG-PILE SPECIALIST OF THE DAY
“Deacon Jones offers nine ranges of beautiful carpets, all carefully selected by Vinnie Jones himself … to clients ranging from Bradley Cooper, Dennis Wise, Dave Bassett and Robbie Williams to José Mourinho, Ian Wright, Ronnie Wood and Jonathan Ross” – because unless Dave Bassett’s got one, why would you bother?
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Taxpayers FC’s Thunderdome O’Doom (Fiver passim). Can The Fiver please advise what the prospects are of the film of West Ham’s movie, ‘Iron Men’? I certainly hope that it still has its day in the sun despite the mixed messages of it being ‘the most successful stadium migration in history’ (Lady Brady), or a ‘total and utter mess by the previous administration’ (Sadiq Khan) … depending on who you ask. Also, any thoughts on the film’s classification? Will it be a fantasy adventure, horror or mockumentary?” – Avnish Jasmat.
“In the spirit of desperately trying to cling on to our last vestiges of European-ness, and given that you and I have been communicating for almost 15 years now, a largely one-way street admittedly but with the occasional missive from me including one (prizeless) letter o’the day at some point, I think that it is time that we settled on more appropriate personal terms. Given that I am English, it is of course a source of great discomfort for me to bring this up, but then it is easy enough to suggest that we adopt the less formal second-person singular ‘you’ rather than that awfully impersonal second-person plural ‘you’ in our dialogue. This implies a more informal use of first name terms too: you can call me ‘Tim’ instead of ‘Timothy’ and I shall from now on simply call you ‘The’. This will be even more apt since your latest missive arrived in my inbox at 3.45pm with an exhortation to ‘head straight to the drinker’. Given, also, that I now also hold an Irish passport and live in rural County Sligo, after that car crash of a referendum, I don’t really care about your pretentious English social niceties any more but I shall follow your advice to the letter” – Tim Birdsall.
“I can’t be the only pedant who, having waded through The Fiver’s aching smugness at the admittedly first-class ‘Yaya blinks’ headline (Friday’s Fiver), wondered why you bothered including the words ‘in a parabolic arc’ when referencing the ejection from the pram of Dimitri Seluk’s rattle. After all, as every good pupil learns, what other possible way would there be for such a thrown object to travel through the air? Back in the day, Mr Stanley might have been far from everyone’s favourite physics teacher but that one nugget has stuck with me for more years than I care to count, a little like the lingering sense of disappointment one experiences around tea time on any given weekday” – Richard Smith (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Avnish Jasmat, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest thrilling instalment of Football Weekly. And Producer Ben tells us there are still the last few tickets available for the London Palladium live show on 15 November.
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FOOTBALL SUPPORTERS FEDERATION AWARDS
The Football Supporters Federation have announced the shortlists for their annual awards in association with Virgin Media and as is customary, the Fiver hasn’t been nominated in a single category. Nevertheless, we’re pleased to pretend we’re pleased that Football Weekly has been nominated for the gaudy Best Podcast bauble, Big Paper has been nominated for the Best Big Paper gong while Proper Journalists David Conn and Owen Gibson are both up for Best Writer. You know what to do – vote early and vote often in these and other categories by clicking on this link.
BITS AND BOBS
Union Jack Wilshere is back in the England squad for the underwhelming performances against Scotland and Spain. Squad in full: Goalkeepers Forster (Southampton), Hart (Torino), Heaton (Burnley); Defenders Bertrand (Southampton), Cahill (Chelsea), Clyne (Liverpool), Jagielka (Everton), Keane (Burnley), Rose (Tottenham), Stones (Man City), Walker (Tottenham); Midfielders Dier (Tottenham), $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Drinkwater (Leicester), Henderson (Liverpool), Wilshere (Bournemouth), Lallana (Liverpool), Lingard (Man Utd), Rooney (Man Utd), Sterling (Man City), Townsend (Crystal Palace); Forwards Walcott (Arsenal), Kane (Tottenham), Rashford (Man Utd), Sturridge (Liverpool), Vardy (Leicester).
Meanwhile, Caretaker Gareth has demanded that England show “emotional control” in the World Cup qualifier against Shortbread McFiver and co. “It is the oldest international fixture. We will make sure if the players don’t know about it, that they are made aware of it in the early part of the week,” he said, showing about as much faith in his players’ grasp of history as is usually shown in their ability to string two passes together.
Tactics Tim appears to be just a jaunty salute away from a reunion with QPR technical director Chris Ramsey after the club bundled Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink into a rocket and launched him towards the extrasolar planet called Do One.
There’ll be five more years of Him at Real Madrid.
A new one for The Fiver’s Glossary O’ Hurt: Fenerbahce’s club doctor Burak Kunduraciogl has said Robin van Persie is recovering well after suffering torn eyelid-eeuw! in the 3-1 win over Akhisar Belediyespor.
Everton boss Ronald Koeman can hear the jingling of cash coming his way. “The manager will strengthen the team in the areas he feels necessary. Koeman is Koeman: he does what he wants and I support him,” cheered majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri.
And Ajax got the Tin in for East Kilbride when the plucky Scots broke their record of 26 consecutive wins at the weekend. “Have a beer on us. In fact, have 27 [crates],” cheered Edwin van der Sar, ensuring their winning streak comes to a shuddering halt after they’ve glugged themselves into a dark and sickly state.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action. Savour them, because we’re heading into the dark and tedious wilderness that is the international fortnight.
Prefer snazzy Premier League pictures instead of words? Lucky for you then, because Daffydd Bynon and Steven Bloor bring you The Dozen.
Sean Ingle finds magic in Merstham.
Atalanta are being richly rewarded for resisting the urge to fire Gian Piero Gasperini out of a cannon towards Lake Do One and instead letting him field a load of dead good kids, writes Paolo Bandini.
Lionel Messi’s all right, writes Sid Lowe.
Raphael Honigstein on Eintracht Frankfurt going back to the future.
Much like the restorative job he did on his own hair, Antonio Conte is transforming Chelsea and they now have the look of title contenders, reckons Jacob Steinberg.
Not So Ambitious Paul will have been left feeling that the Wolves side he has been put in charge of aren’t completely hopeless after watching them lose narrowly to Derby, reports Nick Ames.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
