Full time: Swansea 1-0 Aston Villa
Gomis drills fractionally wide from 25 yards, a fine effort. Moments later the final whistle goes, and Swansea have surely ensured they will be in this league next season. Villa played well at times, particularly in the first half, but they were toothless in attack. Thanks for your company, goodnight!
90 min There are four minutes of added time. In the first of those, Britton is booked for a brazenly cynical foul on Agbonlahor.
89 min Lescott is booked for stopping a Swansea break with a tug on Gomis.
87 min “Had a short It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia break, and let’s see what’s happening,” says Michael Rosefield. “Ah. I could probably squeeze another episode in.”
Everything’s fine.
Watching this Swansea v AV drag - I remember when teams at the bottom had some real fight about them. These days they're just spent shadows.
— Danny Baker (@prodnose) March 19, 2016
83 min “Commiserations for having to ogle the odyssey of misery that is Swansea v Villa,” says Keeley Moss. “Not having anything as sophisticated as Sky Sports, BT Sport or any other televisual means of football-viewing, I’m a third of the way through the May 2002 episode of Crimewatch UK. Which come to think of it, is probably where Villa ought to be shown given their frankly criminal defending this term.”
82 min Swansea are as comfortable as at any stage in the match. After an excellent first half, Villa are now playing like Villa.
78 min Villa are having a good spell, although it would be stretching it to say they look like scoring. The youngster Green has been good since coming on. Meanwhile, Swansea bring on Kyle Naughton for the impressive Modou Barrow.
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77 min “With tonight’s match as further proof, I’d submit that this Villa team is the worst in the history of the Premier League,” says Alan Gomes. “Not just the worst Villa team, which it obviously is. The very worst team in two decades of Premier League history. Even worse than that post bankrupcy Pompey affair. Tim Sherwood, take a bow!”
75 min Villa’s fans appeal for handball when Cissokho’s cross hits a Swansea defender.
74 min A Villa substitution: Gabby Agbonlahor replaces Carles Gil.
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72 min Green runs at Rangel and wins a corner for Villa. Fernandez heads it behind for a second corner, which Gil swings onto the head of Lescott. He sees it late and heads straight at Fabianski from 10 yards. That’s the third shot on target in this match.
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68 min Sigurdsson, already booked, brings Hutton down. It wasn’t enough for a second yellow. I bet Mike Dean was tempted, though.
67 min “Shame you have to watch this filth,” weeps Paul Jaines. “To show my solidarity I am sitting in in front of an open fire sipping a beautiful aged Bordeaux and eating French cheese. I may open a Burgundy next.”
I’ll be opening some claret with a sharp pencil in a minute.
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66 min A corner to Villa, conceded by Williams. Gil swings it in from the right, and the inevitable Williams heads it clear. He is a brilliant defender.
65 min “I’ve watched Villa all season and that’s got to be the worst goal conceded by any team,” says Thomas Darnton. “Guzan should have easily got there. He has made too many mistakes this season and I think that Remi Garde should give Mark Bunn another go because we then won’t concede shabby goals like that.”
Cutting out those cheap goals could be the difference between finishing 20th and, er, eh.
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62 min Fer nutmegs Lescott in the box but then picks the wrong option. Swansea are in control now.
62 min A Villa substitution: the 17-year-old Andre Green replaces Veretout.
61 min “To be honest it’s difficult ... ” begins Malcolm Tucker Mark Turner. “...to muster a comment and help you out in your onerous task. After a week of wonderful Cheltenham (just watched Sprinter Sacre on YouTube again...spine-tingling), then the amazing Leicester bagging another three points in a tight nail-biter we’re served as dessert...Swansea versus Aston Villa and the home team take the obvious lead after a first half of utter drudge. Sports reporting for the brave, we salute you Mister Rob.”
60 min Sigurdsson is booked for a bad tackle on a Villa player whose name must be withheld for legal reasons I didn’t catch.
58 min Remi Garde slumps back in his chair with the rueul look of a man who bought a collector’s edition DVD of 8 1/2 on eBay and has just opened the parcel to find a cassette tape of 9 1/2 Weeks.
57 min “Not watching it either,” says Michael Rosefield. “I find Villa games are best enjoyed with eyes closed, head in hands, rocking yourself back-and-forth and telling yourself everything’s fine.”
That email came before the goal. This one came after. “EVERYTHING’S FINE, EVERYTHING’S FINE, EVERYTHING’S FINE.”
GOAL! Swansea 1-0 Aston Villa (Fernandez 53)
What a scruffy goal. That foul by Cissokho led to a free-kick for Swansea 40 yards out. It was curled into the corridor of uncertainty by Sigurdsson, which tempted Guzan off his line. He got there late and flapped it onto Fernandez, who was looking the other way when the ball hit him and rebounded gently into the net.
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52 min Cissokho, on a yellow card, trips the dangerous Barrow. It looks like a second yellow card, but Mike Dean instead decides to give Cissokho a final warning. I want to marry Mike Dean.
51 min “How do you see the relegation battle going, especially Benitez is in charge of Newcastle?” says Shaun Wilkinson. “Will he make the difference? I would suggest that whoever loses the derby tomorrow is going down with the Villa.”
Relegation battles are relatively hard to predict. There have been some thoroughly improbable escapes in the last decade – West Ham, Fulham, Wigan, Portsmouth – so I wouldn’t be surprised if any of them apart from Villa stayed up. And that’s the expertise for which you all love the Guardian.
(I think Newcastle and Norwich will go.)
50 min “I am here, I have money on Siggy,” says Paul E. “Not even watching, just reading you.” I’m sorry.
48 min Barrow makes another no-frills run infield, opening up the play. Then he shifts it to Sigurdsson, who breaks towards the area before Lescott makes an important interception.
47 min Anyone out there? Please, please, please don’t make me do another 45 minutes of this on my own.
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46 min Swansea begin the second half. They have brought ball-retention specialist Leon Britton on for Ki.
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Half time: Swansea 0-0 Aston Villa
The match has lived down to expectations so far. Villa should be ahead, but they aren’t. See you in 10 minutes!
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42 min A terrific cross from Gueye is half cleared to Gestede, who loops an overhead kick towards goal from 12 yards. Fabianski had it covered but Williams headed it away for a corner to be on the safe side. From the corner, Clark heads over from 10 yards, a decent chance.
40 min Williams makes an excellent sliding challenge on the right of the area to deny Ayew, and the ball deflects back off Ayew for a goalkick. Why did none of the big clubs buy Williams when he was in his prime?
38 min Barrow runs at Cissokho but then plays a poor pass to Ki on the edge of the box. He is a threat with his speed though. Gomis then screams a long-range shot high and wide.
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35 min Rangel gets into the box on the right and picks out Sigurdsson, whose first-time shot is blocked by Clark.
33 min Veretout’s flat cross is met with a powerful flicked header from Gestede, 15 yards out. Fabianski plunges to his left to make a comfortable save.
32 min Sigurdsson plays a fine through ball to Barrow, who is just offside. Not that it mattered, because he over-ran the ball when he went round Guzan. He has been Swansea’s biggest threat though. He is comically fast.
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31 min With every passing minute of Villa superiority, it becomes ever more obvious that Swansea will win 1-0 with a 94th-minute own goal from Alan Hutton.
29 min Sigurdsson curls the free kick high and wide.
27 min Gomis finds Barrow, who zooms forward before being hoofed up in the air by Cissokho. That’s a clear yellow card and a free-kick to Swansea 30 yards from goal.
24 min Sigurdsson’s dangerous inswinging free-kick from the left is headed behind for a corner by Lescott with Guzan flailing at fresh air.
21 min Villa get a corner on the right. Veretout swings it out to the near post, where Clark rises and flicks a header just over the bar from six yards. He should probably have scored.
20 min A long throw from Hutton almost breaks to Ayew in the six-yard box, and eventually it’s scrambled clear.
19 min Kingsley’s mishit clearance hits the raised hand of Williams, but he knew precisely nothing about it and a penalty would have been harsh. I bet Mike Dean was tempted though.
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18 min Gueye’s fierce low shot from 25 yards is blocked. Villa have been by far the better team.
16 min Gestede and Williams square up after an impromptu wrestle, and then a few of the other players join in. Mike Dean doesn’t book either player. Williams shoved Gestede in the face, which might warrant a retrospective ban the way things are these days.
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13 min Barrow’s driven cross is put behind for a corner by Clark at the near post. Sigurdsson takes the corner from the right, and the stooping Cork heads wide of the near post. It wasn’t any kind of chance.
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8 min Ayew misses a good chance for Villa. Cork lost the ball in a dangerous position, allowing Ayew to run towards goal. He slipped smoothly past Williams on the edge of the box but then walloped his shot over the bar.
7 min “There was this as well when Villa were challenging for the title,” says Niall Mullen. “United were on the cusp of greatness. 23 years ago. Twenty three.”
6 min Villa have started confidently and are playing some good stuff.
3 min Fer dithers and unwittingly gives the ball to Lescott, who drills a snapshot wide from the edge of the area.
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2 min “Your preamble made me wonder: would Villa somehow staying up rival Leicester winning the league for story of the season?” says Alex Hanton. “Or are there no events in English football that could rival it? Maybe if Flamini invents time travel and Arsenal replace Gunnersaurus with an actual cloned velociraptor?”
I’m not even sure Leicester winning the league can live up to the thought of Leicester winning the league. It’s the greatest football story of our generation, at the very least.
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1 min Peep peep! We’re off.
"Don't worry Becks, I got this!" @jimmybullard splashing the 💷 under former manager Chris Coleman's name. https://t.co/uLXvW5LcM8
— BT Sport Football (@btsportfootball) March 18, 2016
Some happier memories for Villa fans
“You beauuuuuty!”
And this, an epic League Cup semi-final.
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Team news
Swansea (4-3-3) Fabianski, Rangel, Williams, Fernandez, Kingsley; Fer, Cork, Ki; Barrow, Gomis, Sigurdsson.
Subs: Amat, Britton, Paloschi, Nordfeldt, Routledge, Montero, Naughton.
Aston Villa (4-2-3-1) Guzan; Hutton, Clark, Lescott, Cissokho; Westwood, Gana; Gil, Veretout, Ayew; Gestede.
Subs: Okore, Bacuna, Sinclair, Agbonlahor, Sanchez, Green, Bunn.
Referee Mike Dean (Wirral)
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Preamble
Hello. Forgive me for speaking frankly, but the love child of Don King and Barry Hearn would struggle to hype this match. It’s not without significance, however. Villa are down, barring the Mother Teresa of great escapes, but Swansea aren’t quite safe. They have a tough run-in after today, and if results go against them they could be a precarious five points clear of safety by tomorrow.
Then again, if they win at home to Villa – and, really, they will need to take a very long look in a very long mirror if they don’t – they will surely be immune from relegation.
Kick off is at 5.30pm.
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