That’s your lot from me. Cheers for reading. I’m off to put my fingers in a bowl of cool water.
Costa screams in impotent frustration and Terry needs some treatment on that ankle. Chelsea remain unbeaten but they should have been out of sight in the early stages of the second half. Swansea did superbly to claw their way back into it, mind, and everyone can pat themselves on the back for playing such a darn good game of football. Well done everyone, well done.
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Full-time: Swansea 2-2 Chelsea
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
What a game! What. A. Game.
90 mins + 3: Terry goes over on his ankle and can barely move, which could make these last couple of minutes interesting.
90 mins + 2: Ki goes down in the left corner of the box under challenge from Fabregas. It would have been melted ice cream-soft, but file under ‘You’ve seen them given.’
90 mins + 1: Terry goes into the book for a blatant bodycheck on Fer. Cynical, but y’know...not a surprise.
90 mins: Another chance for Chelsea. Two of them, in fact. Firstly Fabregas has a shot blocked from inside the area, then the ball falls to Moses who absolutely hoys the thing way over the bar. Four minutes of added time, but they can keep playing this one for as long as they ruddy well like.
89 mins: Hazard slips over and suddenly Swansea have a run through on goal. Barrow goes wide and is taken out by Hazard. Yellow card.
88 mins: Changes for both teams - Oscar goes off and Michy Batshuayi comes on, while for Swansea it’s Angel Rangel for Sigurdsson.
87 mins: Minor chaos in the Chelsea area. Llorente controls the ball on the left, it’s crossed in and eventually falls to Fer, whose shot is blocked, then pings to just behind Sigurdsson who’d turned his back! Ye gads, what a game.
85 mins: What a game! Swansea attack, a cross is deflected to Courtois then Chelsea counter at a frantic lick. Hazard belts towards goal and looks like he’s going to shoot a couple of times, before shifting the ball right to Costa in some space, but a slightly imperfect first touch takes the ball a bit wide and Fabianski - who’s had a fine game - batters it away.
83 mins: Looking at the replay, that took a bigger deflection than it first appeared, and Costa did actually catch Naughton on his follow-through.
81 mins: What a strike! The ball falls into the path of Ivanovic who tries a shot, it’s half-blocked and flies up in the air, then drops to Costa who performs a textbook bicycle kick and it goes in, via a deflection. He damn near took Naughton’s head off, too. Game on!
GOAL! Swansea 2-2 Chelsea (Costa 81)
Hahahahaha! Him again!
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80 mins: Hazard and Moses combine on the right, the former puts a cross into the middle where Oscar is free, free as a bird near the penalty spot, but sort of snatches at his header, if that makes sense* and sends it over.
*It doesn’t really.
78 mins: Fabregas’s first involvement is to stab a pass forwards for Oscar, who breaks free and has a shooting chance, but he drags it just wide.
76 mins: Double sub for Chelsea: Cesc Fabregas comes on for Matic, while Victor Moses replaces Willian, who seems rather miffed by the whole business.
75 mins: Hazard does splendidly to carve out a crossing chance on the right, he chips the ball into the area but Costa fouls Naughton in going up for the header at the back stick.
74 mins: Willian clips a free-kick into the box from deep in the Swansea half, Cahill can’t quite get to the ball and it falls to Oscar, but his shot is blocked. In such a fizzing game, a relatively mundane and standard passage of play.
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73 mins: There’s been some smashing football this weekend, eh? Well done, football.
71 mins: Azpilicueta swings a cross over from the left, which Costa goes up for but Fabianski gets there first and punches the thing away.
68 mins: Chelsea need someone to bring a little calm to proceedings here. David Luiz, perhaps.
66 mins: Hazard rockets a shot in the direction of the top corner, but Fabianski makes a splendid save. This is frantic, terrific stuff.
65 mins: Huge chance for Chelsea to get straight back into it. Hazard seems to be away but almost pulls out of a challenge with Fabianski on the edge of the area, the ball falls to Costa who himself falls with Fabianski near by. Right on the edge of the area, nothing is given.
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64 mins: In the Euros, then-Italy manager Conte screamed “I WILL KILL YOU!” at his players. It’s worth remembering Italy won that game, so you wouldn’t trade places with this Chelsea lot for all the tea in China at the moment.
Conte apparently yelling "I will kill you, I will kill you" to Italy players after Lukaku's chance 👀 #CFC #mmlove pic.twitter.com/GsrKoLoabK
— Mario Melchiot (@MarioMelchiot) June 15, 2016
62 mins: My days what is happening?!?!?! From absolutely nothing Swansea are ahead, as Terry squares the ball in his own half about 35 yards out, Cahill dithers, Fer nabs the ball off him and sneaks it under Fabianski. Cahill claims he was fouled, and it very much looks like he has a point.
GOAL! Swansea 2-1 Chelsea (Fer 62)
Incredible!
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59 mins: Great game this, but I wouldn’t want to be a Chelsea player when Conte asks them to explain why on earth they find themselves level in a game they’ve been dominant in.
GOAL! Swansea 1-1 Chelsea (Sigurdsson 59)
Straight down the middle.
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PENALTY TO SWANSEA!
A swift Swansea counter, the ball is put into the middle for Sigurdsson who gets there just in front of an advancing Courtois, who takes the midfielder down!
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57 mins: And there’s Amat again, this time away from his mortal enemy: he fouls Ivanovic from behind, and is pretty lucky not to get a second booking.
56 mins: More in the Costa v Amat Chronicles: a relatively tame episode this time, as they have a brief and minor dispute over whether a deflected ball was a corner or a goal kick. The referee decides the former, which comes to nothing.
54 mins: Hazard skims a low cross into the box from the left, Costa slides in at the near-post and doesn’t quite get to it. He then has another frank exchange of views with Amat. I’d be amazed if they both avoid getting sent off.
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52 mins: Willian takes the resultant free-kick, and it takes two deflections off Swansea defenders before eventually being saved by Fabianski.
51 mins: Some frantic pinball in the Chelsea area, as Sigurdsson takes a shot then claims handball against someone. Not sure who. Chelsea then counter, but Costa is absolutely on his own, and does brilliantly to firstly keep hold of the thing then...erm... ‘draw a foul’ from Amat.
49 mins: Amat goes into the book for an admittedly robust challenge, going into the back of Costa as they both go for a header. Costa writhes around on the floor like a tortoise on its back, the home crowd are less than impressed but that did actually look reasonably painful: could have been a clash of heads, and Costa is still down receiving treatment.
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47 mins: Chelsea starting the half with some intent. Costa has a shot that comes to nothing, then Willian cuts in from the right, takes a cross-shot that just, just, just eludes a sliding Hazard at the back post.
46 mins: And we’re away in the second half. Who would be the least-likely player in this game to dab? Ivanovic maybe?
AWAY FANS THROW MISSILES ONTO CHILDREN...but luckily enough they were cuddly toys, and they were invited youngsters from the Rotterdam Sophia Children’s Hospital.
Also in that game, Dirk Kuyt dabbed. I know.
Dirk kuyt is dabbing what is the world coming to 😂 pic.twitter.com/0yytnXrKQN
— SkidZ (@TheRealSkidZ) September 11, 2016
As a little aside, Neil Taylor was not at all happy about being the one withdrawn to correct Guidolin’s initial tactical error. He was, as they say, chipping off with some gusto at his manager on the bench.
Good half of the old football, that. Chelsea look very efficient and focused, and should probably be further ahead than just the one goal. Diego Costa has scored one, missed a virtual open goal, has been booked for a spicy foul and has thoroughly pissed off the home fans. Textbook.
Half-time: Swansea 0-1 Chelsea
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
45 mins + 2: Ivanovic looks for the Boycott Corridor again, with Costa waiting in the middle, but Fabianski comes out to snaffle the danger again.
45 mins: Llorente tumbles under some vague attention in the box - nothing doing from the ref, but what with the new emphasis on such things, it was probably worth a go. Two minutes of stoppage time at the end of the half.
43 mins: What a miss! There’s Costa again, always at the centre of attention, as a corner from the left finds its way to the back stick where the striker is waiting to pop the ball into a virtually unguarded net, but he somehow only gets his heel to the ball and skews it back across goal. Lawks.
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42 mins: And there’s Costa again, on the other end of a booking as Fernandez rakes down his Achilles (fairly gently, it must be said) and Costa throws himself to the ground as if encountering a landmine.
41 mins: That Swansea change: Modou Barrow is on for Neil Taylor, so almost certainly a change of shape to come. Meanwhile, Costa is booked for going through Fer after the ball had gone.
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40 mins: Close! The closest Swansea have come, certainly. The ball falls to Sigurdsson on the edge of the box, who sweeps a right-footed shot towards goal...and just wide.
39 mins: Swansea counter at some pace down the right, but Naughton’s low cross is cleared. Looks like the Swans are about to make a change, too. Early abandonment of the three-man defence?
38 mins: Another gag, from Anonymous (by which they don’t give their name, not the set of internet scamps who keep hacking things): “How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to unscrew the bulb and one to hold the penis... Ladder! I mean ladder!”
37 mins: Swansea’s sole attacking threat seems to be from Sigurdsson deliveries into the box. He tries a couple, but they’re well defended by a Chelsea side who look incredibly assured.
35 mins: Free-kick for Chelsea out on the left, after a foul by Fer (who has been booked and will need to watch his step). Alas, for Chelsea, Willian spoons it well high and wide.
34 mins: After a brief lull, Chelsea are on the attack again. Hazard has it almost on the byline on the left, but tries an ambitious shot at Fabianski’s near-post, but the keeper gets down to save it.
33 mins: Fernandez performs a textbook example of the ‘commit a foul, point at the ball’ gambit. He goes through the back of Hazard, gestures towards the football but to no avail. Doesn’t matter if you get the ball, if you had to do so through someone’s calf.
31 mins: Remember when it looked like Sven Goran Eriksson might be Chelsea manager? Can you think of two managers with more different styles/touchline demeanours than him and Antonio Conte?
28 mins: Very little from Swansea so far, but Fer sets up Sigurdsson for a shot very much in his zone, but it’s immediately and effectively charged down by Oscar.
26 mins: Fer is issued with the most quarrel-free yellow card of the season, after taking out Costa as the Spanish forward tries to make a break for goal.
25 mins: Another joke here, and Phillip Wainwright has gone blue: “What’s the difference between a dilapidated public transport hub and a crab with a boob job? One’s a crusty bus station, the other’s a busty crustacean.”
23 mins: Willian lays the ball back to Kante, after Kante himself had created a chance with some relentless pressing, but the shot goes high, high, high in the friendly sky.
22 mins: More danger from Hazard, who looks more lithe and much quicker than he was than in the nothingness of last season. His run sets up a shooting chance for Oscar, but his effort from outside the area is deflected wide.
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20 mins: Could/should be two. The rejuvenated Eden Hazard powers through a large hole that appears on the right side of the Swansea defence, finds himself one-on-one with Fabianski but the Polish stopper makes a solid save to deny the left-footed shot. Safe to say this defensive experiment isn’t really working this time.
18 mins: Ivanovic puts a cross over from the right, Fernandez heads it up in the air and Fabianski starts to come out to catch it, but changes his mind. Fernandez then tries another header, but gets no distance on it, the ball finds its way to Costa on the edge of the box who fair thrikes a low shot into the corner, past a regretful Fabianski’s left hand.
GOAL! Swansea City 0-1 Chelsea (Costa 18)
Fizzer of a shot, that.
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16 mins: Free-kick on the right for Swansea, and Sigurdsson fizzes it over with significant intent into the Boycott Corridor, but there’s no attacker there to take advantage of the cross.
15 mins: Corner for Chelsea from the left, but it’s swung to the edge of the six yard box and provides a dictionary definition of ‘a routine catch for the goalkeeper’.
13 mins: I made the mistake of asking for jokes earlier, so here’s a couple.
From Matt Dony: “What’s grey and doesn’t matter? An irrelaphant. I’ll get my coat.”
And a little spicier, from Hugh Simpson: “‘Please leave the toilets as you’d wish to find them’ So I left a line of Charlie on the lid.”
Obviously the Guardian condones neither drug taking nor poor public lavatory etiquette.
11 mins: Low-key terrific bit of goalkeeping from Fabianski. Willian gets down the right and puts a low cross into Geoff Boycott’s corridor of uncertainty behind the defence, in front of the keeper. Fabianski not only gets out to dive full-length and stop the ball, but manages not to push it straight to the lurking Costa, as it would have been very easy indeed to do.
10 mins: Sigurdsson does well to avoid one tackle as he tries to drive through the heart of the Chelsea team, but then he comes across N’Golo Kante, so you all know how that ended.
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8 mins: Are you finding yourself in need of schadenfreude? Are you Claudio Bravo? Here’s more on Charles Joseph John Hart’s ticklish start to life in Italy.
7 mins: Ivanovic is fouled by Fer, but emphasises the point by doing one of those big splash dives like wrestlers did from the top rope. I say ‘did’ - they might still do, but being 33-years-old, I no longer watch wrestling.
5 mins: First shot of the day as Willian tries an effort from the right corner of the area. Needed to be a thriker of the first water to actually go in, but it warmed Fabianski’s hands rather, so that’s something.
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4 mins: Ki plays today, after of course spending the summer doing military service in Korea. Fairly remarkable story that, look it up if you can.
2 mins: Jordi Amat leaves one on Diego Costa early doors, fulfilling the dreams of many angry non-Chelsea fan across the country. A barge in the back lets the big striker know he’s there.
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1 min: And we’re away. Looks like Swansea are setting up in a new three-man defence, and very narrow they look too. A maverick decision to start with a brand new system against Chelsea, but it might just work.
The players are out. Swansea are in pristine all white, Chelsea all black with fluorescent yellow detail. We’re about to begin.
Reminder that if you have any piping hot takes, stories, opinions, jokes - whatever you like, really - email Nick.Miller@guardian.co.uk or tweet @NickMiller79
Yowch.
Os chineses bem que tentaram parar o @geuvaniooficial, mas ele foi o melhor em campo na vitória do Tianjin Quanjian. pic.twitter.com/AfI6BcA6Rx
— China BR Futebol (@chinaBRfutebol) September 11, 2016
This game features two Italian managers, so Paul MacInnes has written this, about the two Italian managers.
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Just to keep you updated on how Joe Hart’s debut in Serie A is going...
Terrific goalkeeping from Joe Hart on his Torino debut... pic.twitter.com/MIpe7NTHUu
— Weekend Football (@weekendfootball) September 11, 2016
And after all that, neither of them are playing. Ah well.
Team news
Swansea City
Fabianski; Amat, Fernandez, Kingsley; Naughton, Ki, Cork, Fer, Taylor; Sigurdsson; Llorente. Subs: Nordfeldt, Rangel, Van der Hoorn, Fulton, Britton, Montero, Barrow.
Chelsea
Courtois; Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry (c), Azpilicueta; Kante Matic; Willian, Oscar, Hazard; Diego Costa. Subs: Begovic, David Luiz, Alonso, Fabregas, Moses, Pedro, Batshuayi.
Referee: Andre Marriner (West Midlands)
Preamble
Goals. They’ve been a problem for Swansea. Just two of them so far this season, both from horse wrangling’s Leroy Fer. 42 last season, which wasn’t the worst in the Premier League, but it wasn’t the best either, to say the least. Especially when the scorers of 23 of those goals have departed this summer. So plenty of pressure on Borja Baston, new arrival from Spain who might well make his debut today, particularly since the early signs from Fernando Llorente haven’t been peachy.
But wait! Here’s a helping hand for the shot-shy Swans. Could it be that David Luiz is their big hope, a man whose job description differs rather from his actual job. Luiz is a defender who doesn’t seemingly like to defend very much, but who provides entertainment in other ways, because we’ve all got to stay occupied in this world.
Antonio Conte has admitted that Luiz perhaps wasn’t his first choice to strengthen his backline, a man used to having only the finest and most intimidating centre-backs at his disposal. But this could be quite a compelling sub-plot of the season: how will Conte cope with Luiz, and how will he get his potentially very talented defender to, well, defend reliably? Let us see.
Kick-off: 16.00 BST
Nick will be here soon enough. Until then, read Stuart James’s marvellous interview with Leroy Fer:
Leroy Fer is casting his mind back to his Swansea City initiation ceremony during the club’s pre-season tour in the United States and carefully considering what mark out of 10 he would give himself for his rendition of Drake’s Controlla at the team hotel. “A solid eight,” says Fer, smiling. The footage has yet to be released but the suspicion is that Fer’s impersonation of the Canadian rapper was rather good, much like his dancing at his wedding. Fer was married to Xenia two years ago, a few weeks after being part of the Holland squad that reached the World Cup semi-finals in Brazil, and their slick routine on the dancefloor has been watched by hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube and social media, including a few footballers.
