The Suzuki Vitara is the reverse of the tardis, looking larger and fancier, only from the outside. Inside, the displays are maddening: slow touchscreen, slower satnav, a radio that stops and starts for no reason, a parking camera in permanent panic mode and a “you’re about to crash into the person in front of you” alarm. I figured out that’s what it was only because of the illustration: one car, another car and a giant comic-book star between them. I would say this feature makes you more, rather than less, likely to crash.
And how would that crash come about? Certainly not through a sudden burst of speed. It’s 0-62mph is 12 seconds, far faster than anyone but a getaway driver would have call for, yet nevertheless the most sluggish I’ve driven for months, and you can feel a certain reluctance from the minute you turn on the engine. I could hear its Eeyore voice as I pummelled it into second gear, “Really? Driving again? Wouldn’t you rather just stay at home?”
The steering feels really cheap, almost like a fake steering wheel, mounted for effect on a driverless car; I waggled it from side to side just to check that it was really connected to the wheels. The car jerked, with more duty than enthusiasm, across the lane.
In a battle of the components to see which could feel the cheapest, the gear box aced it. The housing, particularly in reverse, was imprecise: you might get it in, you might not. You might move when you hit the accelerator, you might have to try again. Who knew? Again, I tell you: do not choose it if you’re a getaway driver, or even if you’re simply a prideful person who would find it embarrassing to take a long time to park.
On the upside, it’s pretty thrifty and it looks far more expensive than it is, particularly if you don’t let anyone inside it. The sunroof is fun; fully grown people complain about headroom in the back, but I say (pace Margaret Thatcher): a person over 17 still using the back of a car has to ask in which direction their life is headed.
It is high off the ground, which people with that peculiar, modern yet ancient status anxiety – wanting to be above others – will enjoy. The engine is actively fun on a motorway, confident and cruisy. The least-polite version of this verdict is: fur coat, no knickers; for people who want to look classy from a distance. The most polite is… There isn’t a polite one.
Suzuki Vitara: in numbers
Price £20,299
Top speed 112mph
Acceleration 0-62mph in 12 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 50.4mpg
CO2 emissions 130g/km
Eco rating 7/10
Cool rating 5/10
