That's all we have time for
mrszombie asks:
How terrifying do you find standup? I saw you in Bath and you seemed close to tears at the end - was it with relief or dismay? We were a nice audience.
Guardian contributor I think that was because of the show I was doing rather than fear of standup. I tend to do shows that are about something and can get quite emotional. Sometimes people are frightened of emotion; I am not. I cry quite a lot, almost constantly - in fact I'm crying right now. I'm always the kind of standup who will show how they feel about things. That is not a sign of weakness to me - it's a positive thing. I am absolutely fine. I have five cats.
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shanecois asks:
Is 2016 the worst year for humanity since the second world war?
Guardian contributor I think it's fair to say that this has not been the best of years. However, sometimes things get worse before they get better. So, what we have to do is steel ourselves for a while in the hope that sunshine comes after the rain, which is also the title of one of my favourite 1990s dance track. But yes, it's been quite awful hasn't it? Why don't you watch some Grey's Anatomy - that always cheers me up.
James Mcgeorge asks:
Susan, do you have any plans for the Zombie apocalypse? If you could fight your way to salvation through the flesh munching hordes who would you take as your sidekick?
Guardian contributor If there was an apocalypse, I would try and find Clare Balding. She seems to me to be cheerful during adversity, but also a very sensible woman who I could rely upon during stressful times. She can also, as I understand, ride a horse. And that will probably become the main mode of transport in the future. I cannot ride a horse, therefore I would require to be taught, by Clare Balding.
jamesbranch asks:
This webchat clashes with Gareth Southgate’s England press conference. How do you feel about that?
Guardian contributor I apologise sincerely. I didn't have it marked in my diary. Hope all is well at the press conference.
mccaffepj asks:
When you’ve starred on ‘The News Quiz’, ‘Just a Minute’ or ‘Clue’, which fellow panelist made you laugh the most?
Guardian contributor Jeremy Hardy has made me laugh more than anyone else has at times on the News Quiz. The sexual tension between the two of us is palpable at times, but I also enjoy working on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue with Tim Brook-Taylor and Graham Garden and Barry Cryer. Barry often phones me for a chat of an afternoon and he is a delightful and hilarious man in every way. Barry still listens and watches comedy avidly and will often call me to tell me about something he's seen, because he keeps up to date; he's sharp and pointed and satirical, and I could listen to his stories all night.
James Mcgeorge asks:
What was the happiest moment of your life, so far?
Guardian contributor The happiest moment of my life was when I married my wife. We had previously become civil partnered and as soon as the law came in to force, we went to Glasgow city chambers, just the two or us and the registrar and upgraded to full marriage. Having fought for equal marriage most of my life, the idea that it had finally happened was mindblowing. We went to the pub afterwards and had a quiet drink just celebrating what we had achieved. I never thought growing up under section 28 that it would ever happen in my lifetime. It was a great day for equality in this country.
ClaphamBlackCoat asks:
You are indeed a very funny standup but I have always wondered how you combine being a full-time entertainer and leader of the Scottish Conservatives?
Guardian contributor Gosh, that's a funny joke. I've never heard that one before. I have tried for many months to tell people that I'm not Ruth Davidson. Just because we are both Scottish lesbians does not mean we are the same person. In the same way, I am not Rhona Cameron. Although, I did have a lovely time on the night of the final Brexit debate, thanking people for how good my performance was with Sadiq Khan. So, just to reiterate for a final time, I am not Ruth Davidson.
Andy Murray is the most attractive man
vammyp asks:
Who would you rather go for a pint with? Andy Murray, or that paperclip that gives you advice on Word?
Guardian contributor I feel I should start my answer with a confession. I am in many ways the most gay woman who has ever lived, but I have feelings for Andy Murray which are very, very wrong. I think he is the most attractive man I have ever seen in my life. I saw his mother Judy during the Edinburgh fringe and hid behind a bin because I didn't want her to meet me looking like I was looking. I think he is the most extraordinary man, feminist, sportsman, and all round hunk of burning love that I have ever seen. I have never met him and I'm worried that if I do, I will launch myself at him like an Exocet missile. So the answer to your question is: I'd rather go for a pint with the paperclip, because I don't know how I would behave if I actually met my future husband.
David Burdon asks:
Did you actually play Chuckie Egg in your youth? Evidence says otherwise.
Guardian contributor I take it you are referring to my performance on Go 8 Bit, where I was appalling at Chuckie Egg. In my defence, when I was younger, I used a keyboard to control the characters and in this TV show I was given a shit joystick. I did play Chuckie Egg, I was good at Chuckie Egg, and sometimes – and I don't wish to alarm you – television lies.
Bob Pite asks:
Hi Susan,
We love you. My daughter’s a lawyer and works ridiculously long hours. We keep talking about starting a goat farm instead. Do you think that’s a good alternative career?
Bob
Guardian contributor It's a brilliant alternative career. My dream is to open a greyhound and donkey sanctuary. Perhaps we could collaborate?
Biddy Radford asks:
Can you promise me that you will apply for the job as the next Dr Who when the present incarnation regenerates?
Guardian contributor I will. It has always been my dream to be the doctor. I think now is the time for this to happen. It is also quite useful that Peter Capaldi is there just now, because the storyline I imagine is that I am a small part of his conscious that breaks off in a vortex requiring only a partial regeneration, hence why I'm so short. I firmly believe that enough people get behind the campaign of Calman 4 Doctor Who, I will get the part, hopefully the millions of people reading this webchat will get on board. #Calman4DoctorWho
mackal asks:
Glasgow or Edinburgh?
Guardian contributor What an interesting question. If you are not from Scotland you may not know of the traditional rivalry between these two cities. I am from Glasgow, and my wife is from Edinburgh. She calls me a soap dodger, and I say she's tight with money. It's an old-fashioned romance in many ways. I still live in Glasgow, and to me, it is the best place to live in the world, although I enjoy my month's summer holiday in Edinburgh for the fringe every year. Glasgow rules!
JimCricket asks:
Dear Susan, I’d like to start by thanking you for your very honest and unbelievably helpful book, ‘Cheer up love!’ I should also add how much I enjoy your appearances on the News Quiz and I’m waiting to see you team up with Sandy on QI!
So lastly my question - Trump, Farage and Johnson, kill, snog, or marry (PS in my version of this game you’re allowed to kill all of them if you want) ;-)
Guardian contributor What an interesting question. I had never thought about any of them in that way. I wouldn't like to kill them, nor snog them, not marry them. So if it's ok with you, I'd like to just ignore them.
Zombie films over Pixar
DWFan1 asks:
What’s your favourite Pixar film?
Guardian contributor Thanks for the question. I've just had to look up what a Pixar film so my answer is factually correct. If I'm honest, I'm not that keen on these kind of animated films, because they often make me cry. I watched Up and it took me a month to recover. I find a great deal of life quite sad, and so prefer not to watch films that also make me sad which is why I enjoy zombie films. If I had to choose one Pixar film that I have enjoyed I would say Monsters, Inc. I have never watched a Toy Story film, and I will never watch Up again. My sister tried to get me to watch Frozen because she said it was the best film about sisters she'd ever seen. I prefer watching Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.
ljspa asks:
Hi Susan - I just need to know where you got that cool red duffle coat - I am short as well and need a good coat that I don’t have to re-make to get it to fit me!
Guardian contributor I struggled to find that coat. And I can't really remember where I got it from, but I think it was online. I did have to have the sleeves turned up as you can imagine, but it was a worthwhile purchase. Good luck finding a duffel coat, I enjoy wearing mine because it makes me look adorable. Although when I wear it, I look younger than my 42 years and I was asked if I wanted a half fare on the bus last time I wore it.
John O’Donnell asks:
Is there a minute of your waking life that you don’t think about cats?
Guardian contributor
mclarke70 asks:
What is Cashline?
Guardian contributor I used this word on The News Quiz and it created some controversy. I have no idea that it was the vernacular phrase used in Scotland for an RBS cash machine. I simply say I'm going to the cashline, in the same way I would use a hoover rather than a vacuum cleaner. And to those who suggested that I was being paid money by RBS to use the term Cashline on The News Quiz, I can say quite clearly I was not. I am happy however to do so in the future, if any banks want to get in touch.
Abusut asks:
Please extend your tour to the outer reaches, when you get to Orkney there’s a hug (short) and a bed for the night.
Guardian contributor Thank you for the invitation and indeed the offer of a hug. Hopefully I would have my own bed but I am open to discussions. I promise I will get to you as soon as I can.
Jonnyrev asks:
When I first heard your voice I assumed (wrongly) you were from a working class background. Do you think we’ll ever see talent from the mass of the population make it or will entertainment, comedy and everything else that pays decent money always be the preserve of the rich, those from private schools, Oxbridge and those born with a silver spoon in their mouths? Over to you Lady Calman OBE, MC, GC & Bark.
Guardian contributor Thank you very much for the question, and I hope you enjoyed the show at the Soho theatre. In which I refer to a tweet where somebody suggested it was lovely to hear a working class accent on Radio 4. I am not particularly sure which class I would be considered, however I think the generalisation of what a Scottish accent means is slightly offensive. In terms of comedy, I have not experienced huge swathes of tweed-clad, pipe-smoking Oxbridge graduates controlling comedy commissioning, and I think in many ways live standup isn't affected by issues of class.
Television and radio commissioning is a mysterious business and to be honest, I have no idea from one day to the other what they think people want to watch, I just have to carry on in the hope that my solo variety show entitled Susan! is finally commissioned by the BBC or ITV or Channel 4 or Channel 5 or Sky in order that I can show off my talents and that of my cats in our entertainment troupe, The Catrobats.
The joys of exercising and Grey's Anatomy
riverkarann asks:
Hi Susan, we’ve seen you live and our son loves you on CBBC. Your schedule does not appear to have much room for holidays - far less for sick leave. Most of us aren’t in the public spotlight when health issues surface. What strategies do you deploy when the ‘crab of hate’ visits and you are filming/recording a show or due to go on stage? Ann
Guardian contributor I have been very open about the fact that I have depression, and the "crab of hate" you refer to is what I talk about in my book Cheer Up Love. It can be difficult if I become depressed and I'm working, but I've never missed a single day because of how I feel. In fact, work is one of the best things for me, because it distracts me from whatever is causing my depression. I think one of the reasons why I haven't had a day off in about nine months is because when I work I don't feel as depressed.
At some point, I will have to take some time off, and at that point, I will employ the strategies that work for me to stave off any attack of gloom. For example, I love exercising so I do a lot of boxing; I also think that watching box sets is the most incredible pasttime I've ever discovered. I'm currently on series seven or Grey's Anatomy which I have watched three times already. I simply watch the same programmes again and again and it numbs my brain far better than any drug.
Grey's Anatomy is such a cheerful, bright show - people die in it and stuff, but it's all about love and romance, and they've all got loads of friends and it's amazing. It's what my life would be like if I was them.
Liam Quane asks:
Do you have any advice for being assertive? Or negotiating?
Guardian contributor I don't know why you're asking me that question, about being assertive. Lol. I think the main thing is to choose your battles. You can't be angry all of the time, so decide when it is you want to make your point. As a short person, I find it better to be assertive when everyone is sitting down. As sometimes it can be difficult when you have a crick in your neck as you try to tell a tall person what you think. Be sure of what you want to say, stay calm and measured, but above all, go for it.
In terms of negotiating, and I suspect you're asking this because of your legal background, I'm not sure I'm the right person to consult. I can't tell you who some of my clients were, but they've not always done brilliantly. I always liked to negotiate like Tom Cruise in The Firm: write a figure on a piece of paper and slide it across the table. If in doubt, just think: what would Tom Cruise do?
Crime fiction fan
OleksandrOK asks:
What is your favourite book?
Guardian contributor This is a really tricky one. Much like Desert Island Discs, any choices I make will be open to ridicule or judgement. I'm caught between pretending to like books, so that you think I'm more highbrow than I am, and being honest about what I like to read. I'll be honest because I'm sitting in the Guardian. I'm a huge fan of crime fiction, so anything by Val McDermid, Denise Miner or the like makes me happy.
I adored reading Steve Martin's autobiography, Born Standing Up, which is one of the best books about standup I've ever read – it completely encapsulates the hell of performing to audiences without necessarily knowing who you are as a standup. He spent many years trying to find his style and what he wanted to say, and he tells a beautiful story of doing a set one night and being able to hear the sound of chairs as they scraped back. The only sound that's worse than that for a standup is when you can hear the stage creaking as you walk across it. It really is a brutally honest and incredibly interesting story of what comedy is really like.
HenryClerval asks:
Do you have the Scottish trait of an inability to listen to your own recorded voice without wincing?
Guardian contributor Personally I do not listen to or watch anything I am involved in. I think it's better that way. I hope you enjoy watching or listening me though - I'll never know how I feel.
unfortunatlyAmerica asks:
Hi Susan, I’m a fan of yours from Boston, MA. I really enjoyed your Radio 4 shows ‘Susan Calman is Convicted’ and ‘Keep Calman Carry On’. I also found your first book really supportive and funny. Anyways, I was wondering if you still enjoy hiking and cricket as relaxation activities. Also, are you more spontaneous after your unplanned holiday with John Finnemore? I hope to hear more from you on Radio 4.
Donald (no, not that one).
Guardian contributor I really enjoyed my Radio 4 show about relaxation. And I certainly found cricket to be a surprisingly pleasant experience. I have, since spending the day with Andy Zaltzman, listened to a test match on the radio. Sadly, I found the experience of hiking with Muriel Gray far more stressful. I still don't quite understand why anyone would walk up a hill just to come back down again. So I haven't, since the show, done any climbing. After my unplanned holiday with John Finnamore, however, I have attempted to be more spontaneous, and on a recent holiday to Italy I allowed my wife to choose the location of our dinner on one occasion. It may seem like a small step but it was a difficult one.
I have control issues, which means that I have to be in charge of every decision of everyone in any group I'm a part of. I'm also frightened of change, or going anywhere new, or doing anything unexpected. I have to plan everything in order to make sure everything is fine. For example, prior to coming to the Guardian today, I checked out my route, looked at it by satellite, and did a Google Street View to make sure where the entrance was. It's not necessarily the most relaxing way to live, but it works for me.
Wanting to be like your heroes
OleksandrOK asks:
Why did you decide to become a stand-up comedian?
Guardian contributor I have always wanted to be a standup, ever since I saw Victoria Wood in an Audience With Victoria Wood in the late 1980s. However at that time standup wasn't really seen as a career, so I went to university and got a law degree. After what can only be described as an early mid-life crisis I realised that I didn't want to be lawyer and so resigned from my job, to live the life of a glamorous female comedienne. Essentially, I want to be like my heroes, Victoria Wood, Jo Brand, Sandi Toksvig and French & Saunders. I am not there yet and I don't think I ever will be, but it's exciting trying.
Victoria Wood was astonishing to me because she didn't seem like anyone else I'd seen on my television. She used to wear a tweed jacket and a tie, and I just looked at her and thought that she was the coolest person I'd ever seen. And I can still quote all of her routines, and French & Saunders, and I suppose it was the first time I had seen women being funny and powerful and in control. And I learned such a lot through the comedy of the 1980s, alternative comedy some would call it, that I've always wanted to be part of that group of people.
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jeacook asks:
Do you have any tips on building secure bunkers? Like you, I want to keep my Maine coon pussies safe from Trump’s grabbing hands!
Guardian contributor We have two options just now. Either build a bunker, or stay out of the bunker and try and make things a little bit better. If you want to build a bunker I'd suggest building it somewhere away from a town or city. Once armageddon arrives, toilet roll and bottled water will be the most tradeable commodities so stock up on them, but be aware that very little will save us from the inevitable nuclear wasteland that is to come. Thinking positively, we could all try and be nicer to each other and see how that works out.
jellyyelly asks:
My 20-year-old cat Choo Choo has misogynistic tendencies; should I rename her Trump? I am her long suffering handmaiden.
Guardian contributor No, you shouldn't. We should do everything we can not to say the name of the president elect of the US. If he has misogynistic tendencies, perhaps you should consider the environment in which the cat is living. Do you watch too much Dave? Have you ever listened to Woman's Hour with the cat in the room? Perhaps read him some Maya Angelou and see how things go.
COLDNORTH asks:
Should Berwick-upon-Tweed, England’s most northerly town be taken back by Scotland?
Guardian contributor I have no idea. Someone should really ask them that question, perhaps in a referendum. They go really well.
Cats as children
SillyRestrictions asks:
Do you think your obsession with cats is getting a little bit out of hand?
Guardian contributor Absolutely not. People just ask me about cats a lot. I mean, I know I have five of them, and I treat them as if they are my children, but there's nothing wrong with that. As far as I'm concerned, Pickle, Olivia Pope, Doctor Abigail Bartlett, Daisy Fay Harper, and DCI Jane Tennison are the best people in the world. So, in short, no.
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KeithScott asks:
Now that Trump is President-elect and no pussy is safe, will you be locking-up your cats?
Guardian contributor I won't be locking up my five cats. I have taught them to avoid danger, and they are well-versed in standing up for themselves. And if anyone comes near my pussies, I will defend them to the death.
Susan is in the building!
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Post your questions for Susan Calman
With a voice that could wither concrete at ten paces, Susan Calman is one of the UK’s most politically astute comedians. The diminutive performer (four foot, 10 inches) has talked about the difficulties of growing up gay in 1980s Glasgow. During a subsequent seven-year career in corporate law, she began moonlighting in comedy clubs but quit the day job in 2006 to pursue laughs full time.
She’s best known as the Scottish voice of Radio 4’s The News Quiz, and has presented solo shows like Keep Calman Carry On for the station; she’s currently recording the second series of her radio sitcom Sisters with Ashley Jensen and Nick Helm. She often guests on Have I Got News For You, and is about to head across the UK with new standup show The Calman Before the Storm.
During her run at London’s Soho Theatre, she is joining us to answer your questions in a live webchat, from 1pm GMT on Monday 14 November. Post them in the comments below, and she’ll answer as many as possible.
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Thanks everyone for taking part in this webchat. If you take nothing from this experience, please remember the following things. Number one, #Calman4DoctorWho. Number two, Grey's Anatomy is brilliant. Number three, being emotional is fine. Number four: things will get better. See you soon Orkney!