Like a grand piano being precariously hoisted over a bustling pavement in one of its dread-filled opening sequences, Casualty should be making more of a crashing big hullabaloo about its imminent 1,000th episode. The plucky Brit underdog remains a reliable Saturday night ratings performer, even after three decades of suturing together hot-button issues and workplace angst. Assuming it can keep pace with the ever-changing world in which we live in, here are some possible highlights from the future.
Episode #1,042: Tangoed
A state visit by President Trump triggers a nationwide protest dubbed “Orange Wednesday” that encourages mockery of the new Potus by mimicking his Wotsits hue. Unfortunately, a dodgy batch of off-brand fake bake causes chaos for A&E, as dozens of would-be protesters suffer a severe yet remarkably apposite allergic reaction. The contaminated bronzer renders them incapable of communicating in anything other than incendiary rhetoric. With tempers rising, senior ward sister Tess Bateman reaches for a more traditional anti-inflammatory. Sometimes the best thing for ginger nuts is sugary tea.
Episode #1,228: Do No Arm
1 April, 2022: the official inauguration of Holby’s 3D printer, capable of creating new organs and limbs at almost zero cost. But what should be the happiest of days becomes a charnel nightmare when a speeding hover-ambulance collides head-on with a minibus crammed with attending dignitaries. As EMTs sieve through the wreckage, trauma surgeon Dylan Keogh grimly fires up the printer, unaware that his colleague MacKenzie “Big Mac” Chalker has hot-wired the device to synthesise extra-large vulcanised phalluses, in his ongoing prank war with the admissions staff.
Episode #1,722: Tranks But No Tranks
The widespread use of cheap anti-anxiety superdrug ThereThere (tagline: “Keep Calm And Carry On Keeping Calm”) means that the UK of 2035 is a place of unprecedented stability. It may do wonders for reducing NHS quotas, but under-utilised consultant Lily Chao – ironically, a clinician who routinely repressed her emotions during her early Holby career – longs to escape the nation’s self-medicated cloud of false contentment. Chao vows to restore her beloved casualty department to its rightful, timeless state: a tumultuous circus of horrific DIY mishaps, minor stab wounds and butterball kids with saucepans stuck on their heads.
Episode #2,368: Work, Rest & Slay
Dateline: 2052. The Corp Wars still rage, with the public pitted against each other in violent skirmishes determined by brand loyalty rather than geographical boundaries. In the UK’s combat-scarred south-west, Holby City survives as a barely functioning field hospital, its emergency department neutral ground for the walking wounded. Though officially retired, natural born peacemaker Charlie Fairhead lurks near the vending machines, standing sentinel over potential combat flashpoints.Though officially retired, Casualty angel Duffy finds herself playing peacemaker between a shellshocked M&M sergeant (played with great dignity by an elderly Marshall Mathers III) and a petulant Milkybar kid (young Brit actor Benjo-Kazooie, making his screen debut two years before his career-making role in Star Wars Episode XXIII).
Episode #2,672: Holo, It’s Me
After years of turmoil, the UK finally seems ready to let the healing begin – and what better rallying point than a 50th anniversary One Direction tour featuring hard-light holograms of the boys in their 2010 prime? But when Harry_Styles.avi3D™ is rushed to Holby’s A&E in virtual agony after a nasty mid-gig snafu involving a laser lighting malfunction – coincidentally, the same rig shown sparking ominously in the opening minutes of the episode – it’s up to clinical lead Dylan Keogh Jr to intuit how best to treat this sexually alluring hybrid made entirely of photons. Will holo Harry be a light that never goes out – or a dead ringer?
Episode #3,000: Blood Brothers
Charlie Fairhead is a Casualty legend. No wonder, since he’s now 115 years old, the beneficiary of age-reversing gene therapy. But when Holby’s longest-serving nurse collapses during a birthday visit to his old stomping ground, attending consultants Ethan Hardy and Caleb Knight immediately commandeer one of A&E’s newest diagnostic nano-subs. The bickering brothers embark on a fantastic voyage through Fairhead’s bloodstream, eventually tracing the life-threatening blockage to his upper arm. Their diagnosis? It’s the unfortunate result of having both friends and strangers cry on Charlie’s shoulder for nine continuous decades.
Casualty airs tonight – Saturday 25 June – at 9.25pm on BBC1
