THE HOME OF THE BRAVE
The Fiver has never been 100% fit to be published but that has never held it back. When it has been held back it’s been purely because of faults by other people, such as defective techies or the owners of provocatively open off-licences. The Fiver is staunch. The Fiver refuses to be denied. The Fiver would run through brick firewalls for its reader. This spam’s got napalm.
The Fiver, in short, is a winner. It never knows when it’s beaten, would put its head down where others dare not put their rubbish bins and it simply doesn’t take “you have insufficient funds to complete that transaction” for an answer. What we’re trying to say here, reader, is that The Fiver is The Special One’s idea of a champion tea-timely football email. Because The Special One has no time for bloodless yellow-bellies, the sort of losers who would let a lack of fitness prevent them from competing repeatedly at the highest level of professional sport.
When considering the non-availability of Luke Shaw and Chris Smalling for Manchester United’s trip to Swansea on Sunday, The Special One noted with a snarl that there is a “difference between the brave, who want to be there at any cost, and the ones for whom a little pain can make a difference”. Successful management is all about taking care of details. Or ignoring ones you don’t like.
It should be stressed at this point that Mourinho is speaking from experience. During his own playing days he often … hold on, let’s just back out of that sentence and try again. Mourinho has a long history of overcoming adversity, from pernickety officials to conspiring United Nations relief agencies, and his suffering for the sake of the people who depend on him continues right up to the present day, as he battles his way out of his five-star hotel hell every morning and drives without incident to Manchester United’s training ground. “For the team you have to do anything,” as The Special One has said.
Now consider what the England manager Caretaker Gareth has said about all this. He has spoken up with understanding for Smalling, who has played several matches this season with pain-killing injections, and for Shaw, a 21-year-old who suffered a double leg fracture when playing for United 14 months ago. “If Shaw wasn’t fit to play – and he was with us in September under Sam [Allardyce] and was feeling problems with the leg back then – there’s clearly something,” said Southgate. “After an injury as severe as that we have to handle that with care … If they haven’t played there’s obviously something wrong … obviously it’s a difficult one because I don’t know the reason for the comments José’s made.” The reason for the comments José’s made is that he’s a man after The Fiver’s own heart, which, it should be noted, can be anyone’s after a few tins. And the reason Southgate won’t win a trophy is that he’s sensible, balanced and humane. And the manager of England.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Follow the draw for the Women’s Euro 2017 finals with Paul Doyle at 5pm GMT!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The disciplinary committee does not disregard the fact that the high-risk game took place without any violent incidents because of Dresden’s efforts” – faint praise from German FA suits before whacking Dynamo Dresden with a €60,000 fine for their fans’ lobbing of a severed bull’s head on to the side of the pitch in their cup match with everyone’s favourite German energy drink promoter.
FIVER LETTERS
“Surely a swashbuckling Liverpool side is buckling their swashes rather than swashing their buckles? I know I’m probably just goading better pedants than I as I’ve looked up swash and learned it can mean ‘to swagger, make noisy movements or move with a splashing sound’. A top pedant – ie someone with more time on their hands than me – will pull this all together and explain how any of the above might then be linked to ‘buckling’. I also accept that a ‘buckleswashing hero’ sounds nowhere near as romantic as the reverse equation. Very interestingly, the SWASH™ Washing System may be something for club laundries to consider as it apparently means you can ‘say goodbye to excessive washing, ironing and dry cleaning’; possibly offering an alternative to the current policy (for clubs with massive kit deals) of simply giving away dirty shirts to opponents or lucky children” – Bryan Matthews (and no other finger-twiddling pedants).
“I’m gonna guess that the Deacon Jones involved in celebrity carpeting [yesterday’s Fiver] isn’t the late, legendary member of the Fearsome Foursome. Too bad. I would’ve loved to see his reaction if Mourinho posted a negative review about an installation” – Mike Wilner.
“At least twice now you’ve used the word Ivorian in recent editions, and it makes me wonder if a new brand name for your good selves isn’t in order. I’d like to suggest you self-identify as Fivorian, seeing as you live up there in your Fivery Towers” – Craig McLaughlin.
“Can I be one of 1,056 AFC Wimbledon fans (well a couple anyway) to point out that East Kilbride should calm the heck down and Ajax should pass on the crates of beer – while throwing in a few extra crates – to recognise that the win record belongs to the Dons. AFC Wimbledon achieved a record unbeaten run of 78 league matches, from 26 February 2003 to 27 November 2004 - and it included 32 consecutive wins. And yes, the Combined Counties Premier Division does count. East Kilbride need to put their beer away and admit they were beaten to it more than a decade ago by a bunch of southerners. You’re welcome to pass my details on to Ajax should they wish to send me a crate or two of ale for pointing out their error” – Alec Brown. (Over to you Edwin).
“Reading about Olivier Giroud’s childhood fear of Alf (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) got me reading up on that long lost 80s classic. And the parallels between Giroud and Alf are striking. According to the internet, Alf was ‘played for comedic value’ just like Giroud does for Arsenal, in one episode Alf was moved from ‘his initial quarters … to the attic’, just like Giroud has been moved from the first-team to the bench and Alf has an aunt called Wagner just like … OK, last one was a bit of a stretch” – Mario Michael.
“May I be the first of many to point out to Richard Smith (yesterday’s letters) that although he recalls that thrown objects travel in a parabolic arc they actually don’t. Mr Stanley should have told him that they travel in an ellipse like all orbits but that a parabola model is used as it is mathematically much easier and good enough for most purposes. Please insert your own quip about lack of accuracy, discounting drag, not being good enough and The Fiver” – Chris Richardson (and no other science bods).
“The Fiver often enough name-checks the NME in its late-70s pomp, and clearly there’s a deliberate effort to build up an in-language like the NME had at a that time. Indeed, you work very very hard on it. The number of times I’ve seen Taxpayers FC and Him and $exually Repressed morris-dancing Fiver and the rest I can’t count. But you know what else the NME did? At the end of every year they published a long list titled ‘These we have loved (to death)’ and listed their favourite 50 catchphrases and in-words of the last year. Having done so, they never used them again, forcing their writers to remain fresh and relevant and inventive and not labour the joke too too long. In this too The Fiver might profitably imitate the NME” – Peter Newall.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Alec Brown, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest thrilling instalment of Football Weekly. And Producer Ben tells us there are still the last few tickets available for the London Palladium live show on 15 November.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FOOTBALL SUPPORTERS FEDERATION AWARDS
The Football Supporters Federation have announced the shortlists for their annual awards in association with Virgin Media and as is customary, The Fiver hasn’t been nominated in a single category. Nevertheless, we’re pleased to pretend we’re pleased that Football Weekly has been nominated for the gaudy Best Podcast bauble, Big Paper has been nominated for the Best Big Paper gong while Proper Journalists David Conn and Owen Gibson are both up for Best Writer. You know what to do – vote early and vote often in these and other categories by clicking on this link.
BITS AND BOBS
A high court judgment in which the current England assistant, Sammy Lee, was found to have knowingly given false evidence has been upheld by the court of appeal.
Kevin Stewart, Trent Alexander-Arnold and Ben Woodburn have scribbled their names all over new long-term Liverpool contracts. “News like today makes it exciting for me,” cheered Jürgen Klopp because, well, just because.
Roy Keane has shown typical diplomacy in trying to diffuse the brewing club v country row with Everton over their treatment of O’Ireland players. “Why do we need a good relationship with Everton?” he said, while deleting R Koeman from his WhatsApp group. “Listen, they’re lucky to have the Irish lads they’ve got there. Everton traditionally have always had brilliant Irish players doing well for the football club, so they shouldn’t be so quick to stop Irish players coming to play for [O’] Ireland.”
Charlie Adam has got the funk on with Wee Gordon for picking recently retired and then un-retired Scott Brown in the Scotland squad. “I understand he’s got 50 caps and he’s done well for his country but once you retire let somebody else have an opportunity, because they’ve been waiting for an opportunity for a long time. I won’t retire, I won’t retire,” he roared, perhaps into a highland glen.
Neymar, his parents and two Barcelona executives should stand trial for alleged corruption-knack, according to Spain’s high court.
Italy coach Giampiero Ventura has right royally effed off The Fiver’s flag-waving-Humvee-driving make-us-great again-in-fact-no-don’t American cousin, Yankee Doodle Fiver, by saying he didn’t pick MLS goal-magnet Sebastian Giovinco in his most recent squad because he doesn’t think much of soccerball. “The reality is that he plays in a league that doesn’t matter much,” oofed Ventura.
And this week’s Inter manager is Steffano Pioli. His first match in charge will be the small matter of the Milan derby.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on football, fury and poppies (part III). Enjoy.
Thirty years ago Northwich Victoria drew with Conference leaders Maidstone despite including three fans in their starting XI – one of whom had spent the afternoon in the pub. Rob Smyth tells a terrific forgotten story.
The revamped Leyland DAF Cup is completely brillia … ah. Hang on, let’s have another go at that. The revamped Sherpa Van Trophy is complete and utter rubbish – and here’s why, writes John Ashdown.
Simon Burnton’s “real” Premier League table will make Hammers fans as unhappy as they have been with their new home at times this season.
Is the USA! USA!! USA!!!’s dalliance with the Premier League coming to an end? Dave Caldwell tests the temperature.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
