ONWARDS TO LILLE
When deciding where to stage an international tournament, there are many considerations to consider: does the country in question have a leader of men sufficiently warmongering and egomaniacal? Is he a footballing visionary whose infrastructure is able to accommodate the necessary financial shenanigans? Might he have cultivated a hotbed of homophobia and institutionalised doping? Do fans of its domestic clubs put the ultra into ultra-violent and ultra-racist? Yes, these are all clichés, but it doesn’t mean that they’re not true.
So, it is with great excitement that the planet looks forward to Russia 2018 – or the purist’s World Cup as it shall surely be known. Russia and the World Cup, the World Cup and Russia; they fit like a glove. An MMA glove, granted, but a glove nonetheless and that’s all that matters.
Russia, and their fans in particular, have been the breakout stars of the European Championship so far; my oh my, have they shown everyone! Because what’s not to admire about a load of bespoke T-shirt-wearing hap’orths narcissistically filming themselves acting up in great cities while enjoying no aspect of them – not even the booze. And you thought your stag do was crap. Luckily for us, Russia striker Artem Dzyuba was on hand to explain this phenomenon. “You have to be objective,” he said – and who is capable of such etymological, philosophical impossibility, if not a professional footballer safely tucked up in an expensive hotel? So on he went, with social scientific certainty: “It’s 50-50. There are two sides in every conflict.” Quite what his president makes of this remains to be seen.
But had he finished? Of course not! Next came a penetrating analysis of the English press, because who is capable of disentangling such complexity if not a professional footballer safely secluded from the idiosyncrasies of England and the English? “I don’t understand the reaction of the British media, who have the impression that English supporters are like angels who came to this country and are just behaving themselves,” he deadpanned. Never has comedy been blacker. The good people of Lille and Slovakia cannot wait to make its acquaintance.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Get ready for day six’s action.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Iceland didn’t try anything. They were just defend, defend, defend and playing on the counterattack. It was a lucky night for them. We should have three points but we are OK. I thought they’d won the Euros the way they celebrated at the end. It was unbelievable. When they don’t try to play and just defend, defend, defend, this in my opinion shows a small mentality and they are not going to do anything in the competition” – He reacts in His own inimitable style after Portugal’s 1-1 draw, prompting Iceland’s Kari Arnarson to respond: “What does [He] expect – for us to play like Barcelona against him? He fannies about and dives around.”
FIVER LETTERS
“Yesterday’s paean to Iceland managed to get through to the end without mentioning Reykjavik’s Phallological Museum. I welcome The Fiver’s new grown-up attitude with a throbbing (smirk) intensity, and I am a proud member (guffaw) of its distribution list” – Darren Leathley.
“Having a working knowledge of Iceland’s pen1s museum, I let out a wry chuckle when His personal museum was referenced in yesterday’s Fiver, gleefully awaiting a knowing mix-up that would mercilessly lampoon Him and His character. However, my chuckle turned into a splutter of horror when I realised that you had spurned the opportunity, not to mention its accompaniment of innuendo-rich adjectives like ‘engorged’ and ‘throbbing’. My splutter of horror then became a gasp of despair when I saw that this had been omitted in favour of a turgid pun based around, of all things, a herring museum. This confirmed what I have long suspected, that the anticipation of The Fiver’s content is often far more satisfying – and far less traumatic – than the content itself” – Richard Robinson.
“As a reader from USA! USA!! USA!!! I do have my usual moments of confusion when trying to read your slick English lingo (or whatever you call it). Needless to say, this hit a new high with your use of ‘bum bag’ (Fiver passim). After some good ol’ fashioned Google investigation, I discovered what type of bag you were referring to. However, I also discovered our name for this bag, associated with middle-aged men wearing socks and sandals, might not clear The Fiver censors” – Jeremy Rechtien.
“Blimey, podcast fanfic in yesterday’s Fiver letters? How long before we’re reading about AC Jimbo ‘dipping his bald [Snip – Fiver Censors]’” – Chad Thomas.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Richard Robinson.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest edition of Euro 2016 Football Daily.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Shock exclusive: Some teams! Play some other teams! Over the course of a season! The Premier League fixtures for 2016-17, also in club-by-club form if that’s your sort of thing.
It looks like Manchester United are going to have to hunker down in a tug-of-love with Dortmund over key target Henrikh Mkhitaryan. His Mr 15% Mino Raiola reckons he’d be dead keen on a move: “Manchester United is a unique opportunity, Micki wants to go there.” As for BVB: “We have intensely discussed the question of an early transfer in all club bodies and came to the conclusion that Mkhitaryan will stay in Dortmund next season,” sniffed chief suit Hans-Joachim Watzke.
Dunga has been reacquainted with the door marked ‘Do One’ after Brazil’s calamitous Copa América exit.
Chelsea are keen on France and Marseille keeper Steve Mandanda, which could hasten Asmir Begovic’s departure from Stamford Bridge.
Mr Roy has no plans to man-mark Gareth Bale in Thursday’s big clash with Wales, who apparently have other players, at least according to Adam Lallana. “We know we just can’t focus on Gareth,” he whispered.
England’s squad, meanwhile, are also getting to grips with the implications of the EU referendum, but aren’t telling us where they stand. “We have a brief chat about it at the dinner table when we unwind,” roared Ryan Bertrand. “But I’m not going to declare [my voting intention] in public.”
And German second-tier club St Pauli thought on their feet when manager Ewald Lienen was unable to attend the unveiling of a new signing … using a man in an Ewald Lienen mask instead.
RECOMMENDED QUIZZING
Identify the Euro 2016 player by their tattoos. Go on.
STILL WANT MORE?
Euro 2016 power rankings: Alan Smith crunches the numbers, facts and performances and concludes that Italy and France are looking good and Belgium are in the doldrums.
“We’d recommend He take a long hard look at himself in the mirror if we didn’t know that he already spends several hours a day doing exactly that” – zing from Paul Doyle.
The Knowledge: who is the lowest-placed footballer to play at a major tournament? These and other questions answered in the font of all nerdyness.
Never mind war chests and transfer targets, Ronald Koeman’s main priority at Everton should be to get the best out of Ross Barkley, reckons Paul Wilson.
Everyone knows Paul Pogba is ace, writes Amy Lawrence, but how his ace-ness is best utilised remains a question that vexes France.
Tom Dart breaks down the Copa América winners and losers so far.
Xherdan Shaqiri may be a vital and talented part of Switzerland’s squad but, as they prepare to face Romania, he still has Kosovo also on his mind, reports David Hytner.
After the Orlando killings, it’s time Mexico fans stopped using the word ‘puto’ in a derogatory chant, says Luis Miguel Echegary.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
