HE’S NOT THERE
Mr Roy has let the cat out the bag. The FA suits have gone that little bit more ashen-faced and all the while He turns a deeper shade of mahogany russet. You see, any artificial meaning attached to the most pointless of fixtures has been stripped away quicker than He can whip off his shirt. What did Mr Roy expect? That He would put it back on just five days after single-handely giving Real Madrid the Nigel Tufnel treatment?
He is actually the victim in all of this. The cheek, the temerity, to compare Him to Gareth Bale. He doesn’t like that and you should have known better Mr Roy. No wonder He has sought solitude on an island famed for its introspection and mindfulness but Mr Roy is nothing if not a man of integrity and upon realising that He would not be at Wembley tonight, laid out his reasoning: “We were thinking Gareth Bale plays in a similar position for Wales. So when we picked Portugal we were not only thinking about their technical qualities, and the fact they are a very good football side, but also the fact they have a special individual.” Word of this homage has not yet reached Ibiza, a good thing too considering the size of that zebra-striped number.
And so it is left to the Fiver to pick the bones out of this unholy mess, to sift through the rubble and restore some respectability to tonight’s proceedings. Some potential positives … Harry Kane, Jamie Vardy and Wayne Rooney may all play together, Jordan Henderson may miss the team bus, Chris Smalling may not fall over and Kane may stop taking corners but we will not expect any more cats to slip out of Hodgson’s bag.
“I don’t need to try anything out any more, but I am not prepared to say the 11 who start against Portugal will be the 11 against Russia. In the 11 there will be four or five players who possibly deserve a place in a team and they will keep fighting for that place. I don’t want to commit myself to a team against Russia in 10 days’ time,” he captain kill-joyed, blowing apart the minor ripple of optimism spreading across the country, helped along by the BBC’s Football’s Coming Home documentary last night, and restoring an ambivalence that feels far more comfortable these days on the eve of major tournaments. No point fighting the tablet tonight.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I love the S Coupe. It’s elegant, classy, comfortable and it looks great” – Mesut Özil strays into Partridge territory during a Q&A on Twitter.
FIVER LETTERS
“It’s always interesting to see Roy Keane back in the news, or at least in The Fiver. Last weekend I had the (ahem) privilege of attending a second-tier Norwegian game between Strommen IF and Bryne FK (attendance 316), and 15-year-old Erling Haaland came on as a substitute for Bryne in the second half. He looked the goods –as well as the spitting image of his father, Alf-Inge, in pictures of old. I wish young Erling all the best and I hope for his sake his career doesn’t involve crossing paths with Mr Keane and his infamously long memory” – Simon McKenzie.
“Am I alone in thinking that Chris Bates must be alone in thinking that Fiver’s ability to pick the letter actually most worth reading as the letter o’the day is sufficient to put his trust in given the vast array of evidence to the contrary in the remainder of the publication?” – Barry Etheridge.
“Rather than Chris Bates’ method of reading only the best letter, I read them all and then find out this wasn’t a rollover day – following which I desperately scroll back up in an ultimately futile endeavour to find the witty, erudite or pedantic missive I had clearly missed” – Keith Martin.
“Under no circumstances must you allow this to be chosen letter o’the day else its very purpose come as undone as a fondly remembered Duran Duran single. Chris Bates asks, “Am I the only Fiver reader who, when faced with the trial of working through the Fiver letters section every day, just looks to see which one has won letter o’ the day and only bothers to read that one?” Now we’ve set the trap. If he indeed reads this letter, we have proven the falsity of his testimony. We can but hope he confesses and is sentenced to a hard sentence of a hard stare from hard man Roy Keane. Now, will Bates rise to our bait? We await the conclusion to this caper with breathless anticipation. (No actually, I don’t have a life. Why ever did you think to ask?)” – Hubert O’Hearn.
“Yes, I also skim through the letters section of the Fiver to see who won letter o’the day [yesterday’s Fiver letters]. I also look to see if my latest missive was published. Happy are the days when those two coincide. Like today” – Mike Wilner.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner.
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BITS AND BOBS
Blissfully unaware of José Mourinho’s inability to last three seasons at one club, Manchester United want the manager to stay at Old Trafford in the long term to establish a dynasty.
Ilkay Gündogan has become Pep Guardiola’s first signing at Manchester City despite suffering from a bad dose of knee knack. “I’m happy that despite my injury, I could keep my promise not to leave Dortmund on a free transfer,” the midfielder said, patting himself on the back as City sent a £20m bank transfer to north-west Germany.
The Pep revolution will not stop there. Perturbed by Vincent Kompany’s calves tearing apart like cheese strings, City are ready to pay the €50m (£39m) release clause to sign the French defender Aymeric Laporte from Athletic Bilbao. One small problem: he will not be back in training until August due to leg knack and ankle twang.
Carlos Bacca would be happy to leave Milan, but the Serie A side have rejected West Ham’s £15m bid for the Colombian striker.
In a day of bumper Championship managerial news, Roberto Di Matteo has been chosen to guide Aston Villa back to where they belong, Nasty Leeds have appointed Garry Monk as their new manager and while Nigel Pearson was being unveiled at Derby, basket case club Blackburn announced Owen Coyle will take their top job.
STILL WANT MORE?
Our Euro 2016 Experts’ Network begins with Philippe Auclair telling the story of André-Pierre Gignac, the ‘exotic’ France forward who proved everyone wrong, before giving a breakdown of what to expect tactically from Didier Deschamps’ team.
Remember Vlad Chiriches? Emanuel Rosu explains how the former Tottenham defender bounced back from a difficult time in London to lead Romania from the back – and also predicts Anghel Iordanescu’s team to be stingy.
Ermal Kuka tells a tale of how one Albanian immigrant’s will helped a talented youngster become the player who carries the enthusiasm of a nation into the European Championship, along with tactical analysis for the Group A outsiders.
The Copa América gets underway this weekend – and we got five writers to make bold predictions so you can make fun of them when they turn out to be spectacularly wrong.
“Jürgen Klinsmann inhabits an uncomfortable sartorial middle ground, unconsciously mirroring the interstitial mediocrity of his charges on the field of play.” Aaron Timms believes that if USA! USA!! USA!!! perform well at the Copa, it will be in spite of, not thanks to, the German coach.
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