Deck the halls with sequins and hair gel - not only is it nearly Christmas and that, it's only the final of Strictly Come Dancing! If things get anymore exciting, we might, as a nation, pop or something!
So tonight we'll watch as either Alesha or Matt claim the eventual title of 'Best Amateur Celebrity New To Ballroom Dancing Person of the Year'! We'll be here from 5.50 till just after seven, then back again after nine for the reults show.
And what do we think is going to happen tonight, then? We'll there'll be a lot of dancing, and the judges will do some judging, and the ladies will be wearing a sequence of bizarre dresses, and it will all be quite, quite wonderful, and it won't matter a jot because no one will be reading this because you're all elsewhere eating mince pies and drinking mulled wine, but I don't care. This is too exciting Not to liveblog.
But who will win? Well, based on the past voting experience of the British public, probably Matt, because he is young and boyish and good-looking and has the intriguing back-story of most likely wanting to biff his dance partner, but could Alesha snatch the title at the last minute?
I quite literally have no idea. What do you think?
5.47: OMGit'sgoingtostart! It's starting! After this trailer. No, hang on, it's another trailer. Surely now... Oh, no, it's another trailer. Oh, no, it's the new branding idents with the penguins. Come ON! Oh right, it's here now.
"Three months ago a bunch of celebrities came together for the most competitive, thrilling series of Strictly Come Dancing yet ... blah blah blah ... one will be crowned champion, the other will leave with nothing! ... blah blah blah ... Strictly Come Dancing Grand Final! LIVE!"
Yay!
5.52: Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly burst onto the stage, bruce in his bestest suit, and Tess Daly in something which is kind of a mash-up of yellow and lime which is about as attractive as that sounds.
The couples come on stage! Accompanied by their voting phone numbers, which is a bit harsh, as they haven't done any dancing tonight yet. Still, they all look very ... well, nervous, frankly. And tonight they're going to be doing FIVE dances each. Sodding Chuff, that's a lot of dances. You do know I don't know anything about dancing, right? Oh dear...
5.59: Before Matt and Flavia come onstage for the American Smooth, we get a catch up on all the dances they've danced in the series so far. Or some of them. We see the times when Matt forgot the dance half way through - all of them; The times when he had to apologise to Flavia just as soon as the dance ended - all of them; and the number of times they got saved by the British public even though they hadn't done very well (see above).
They come on to dance the American Smooth, which sounds like a coffee or a haircut, but isn't, it's a dance. Falvia is resplendent in a shimmering mint green number with, bizarrely sparkly boobs - only the boobs, weirdly - and it all goes quite smoothly. Ha. Smoothly. Because it is the American Smooth, gettit?
6.04: The judges have their say, after Bruce presents them with some not-very-funny Christmas presents that I won't elaborate on. They say that Matt's footwork was a little shonky (my word) but otherwise it was very nice, well done. And they clearly do think so - it's 9 from everyone. Crikey, that doesn't give much room for improvement through the show. Unless I'm wrong, and they don't score out of ten. Perhaps each judge has to choose a score between one and twenty six. That would be a maverick move. And odd. Oh, no, it is out of ten, I've just discovered. How boringly traditional.
6.09: We follow the story of Alesha and Matthew through the series. Alesha talks about her nerves, about her surprise at having got so far, the sense of achievement - bless, isn't she lovely.
Much more lovely than the dress she arrives on the floor in to perform the first waltz. It's a white and silver number. The top looks a little like the tanned hide of a snow tiger, the bottom like a melting icecream cake. And she has full-size chandeliers as earrings. Literally, they have a drop of about eight foot and look like they weight somewhere around 4 tons. The waltz is very good, as far as I can tell, although I'm not sure how long you could do that for without getting a terrible crick in the neck.
The judges all agree. It was flawless, they say. It was enchanting. It was amazing. If they get anymore excited about this bloody waltz, some bodily fluid may be released, I think.
Head judge Len is the least enthusiastic. He's not keen on Alesha's pivots, which sounds a bit personal. Oh, no, it's a dancing term, apparently.
10, 10, 9 from Len, 10. This whole scoring thing is going to get quite dull indeed, I think.
6.15: Bruce sings an adapted version of the twelve days of Christmas with words changed to be about this series. It is woeful.
6.18: Highlights of the series, told consecutively through the contestants in order of their booting. Gosh, it looks quite fun. I wish I'd watched it now.
6.20: All the ex-contestants are coming back for whatever the opposite of a victory dance is, and I and my laptop are being attacked by a small kitten. If I suddenly go into capitals or start typing gibberish, please bear with.
6.25: All of the contestants look considerably less crappy than the film of the week that they got turfed off the show would seem to suggest, like they've all been doing nothing but rehearse for this finale since they were turfed off the show. And Gabby Logan has ridiculously long legs, and Dominic Littlewood has a really very annoying habit of mouthing the words to the song being played. Did he always do that? That's extremely annoying.
6.28: Finally, they're getting around to doing the second dance. Ah I see! The little bit of film at the beginning is going through all the latin dances they've done in the series before coming on and dancing the salsa, their favourite latin dance. Last time it was all the Ballroom dances. That makes sense now. Nothing like a bit of research, is there? And I know that, because that is what I have done: Nothing like a bit of research. Nothing even vaguely like it.
Matt and Flavia hit the stage to do the salsa. Matt, in a lowcut jump suit split almost to his penis, is a hairy little man, isn't he? Flavia is wearing a little pink number with a feathered edge, like a novelty condom. Mid-salsa, they do a shoulder shimmy. Brilliant. There's not enough shimmying goes on in British television. I'm going to start a campaign.
The judges liked it, they said. Well most of them said, Arlene just shouted. 'I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY GOOD' she says. You know you're microphoned up, don't you love? Why are you shouting? Also she keeps skipping over her words. Is she drunk? I shout and trip over my words when I'm drunk. Maybe she's drunk.
9 from Craig, 10 from everyone else. Apart from Bruno, who awards them the full score of 26.
Not really. He gives them ten. It's out of ten.
6.40: After a lengthy film going through all the Latin dances they've ever done ever, they return to the floor for the Cha Cha Cha, all danced to a dreadful version of 'Crazy In Love' sung a bit like Beyonce would sing it during a rectal exam.
6.42: It is a good Cha cha cha. I think. But what do I know? I know that Alesha's wearing a fringed lemon.
But the judges loved it. "I LOVED IT" says Arlene "I THOUGHT IT WAS RILLY RILLY GREAT", or something. Bruno says that if this Cha cha cha was a west end show it would run and run. If they make all these things up in advance - and I imagine they don't, they just have a team of writers who do that for them - they need to try harder. As quips go, it was rubbish.
But as Cha cha cha's go, it was good. They get awarded two nines and two tens.
6.47: We see the other half of the ousted contestants, the ones that managed to hang around longer than the first five weeks. The slightly better ones, then.
6.49: Oh. Now they're going to do their unvictory dances. How are Matt and Alesha supposed to do three more dances? It's going to finish in a tick, int it?
6.51: John Barnes mambas away any suspicion any of us could have ever had that he might have won this. John Barnes was never going to win this, was he? Which is a shame, as I personally believe that John Barnes should automatically win everything, and all because of that rap in the middle of World in Motion which was frankly the best thing in the world ever.
Kelly Brook is back! Oh, isn't she lovely etc.
Kenny Logan is wearing a skirt. A very long skirt which he whips off to reveal that it's actually a cape. Boo. No, hang on, it's alright though, he's wearing another, shorter skirt underneath! Or a kilt, whatever. Same same.
6.56: Tess talks to the contestants. "Gethin, so! You made it all the way to the final! Oh, no, semi-final, sorry!" That's just mean.
6.57: It's a dance-off! One piece of music, both couples will dance to it (at once?) and that way we can compare and see who is best. Matt and Flavia will do a quickstep. Alesha and Matthew will do a Jive. Well what does it matter whether the music's the same, then? Those are different dances. That's no direct comparison. That's like saying 'Which green thing is better, a courgette or a tractor?' I feel cheated.
7.01: I can't tell which is better. Though I'm leaning toward 'tractor'.
Alesha is wearing a dress whose sole purpose in life is to make her limbs look about 900 miles long, so I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on anything else, so busy am I trying to work out if she's made of magic stretchy plastic.
7.05: Who will win the Judges Choice round, Brucies breathlessly intones. Backstage, Tess asks them both (all) if they would like to win, and they say that yes they would.
The judges score them exactly the same. 35 out of 40 for both couples. So who will win the judges choice round? Um. No one.
7.08: As the numbers run along the bottom of the screen, we get a round up of what has happened in the last hour. Some dancing. And now Bruce is going to sing. Can I turn off for this bit? No I can't. It's compulsive viewing. Particularly the bit where Bruce had Letitia Dean on one arm and Penny Lancaster on the other. Penny being, quite literally, nine feet taller than Bruce, and Letitia Dean being about 17 feet shorter. So Penny being, then, all in all, 26 feet taller than Leitita. LITERALLY.
7.13: Right, that's it. Back at 9 something for the live show, when I'm guessing they'll do those other two dances. Could this be any more exciting? Please?
Oh God, the spice girls are going to be performing. No, then. S'later....
Strictly Come Dancing: THE RESULTS SHOW!
9.24: Did there HAVE to be that many programmes between the two shows? I mean, granted, they wouldn't have made nearly enough money otherwise on the phone vote, but still ... man, I Christmas decorated my entire living room, wrapped my presents, ate some seasonal fare (cheese) and almost got bored enough to crack open the crap Christmas drink (sheery, port & brandy, stubby beers, nasty cream liqueurs you wouldn't touch with a bargepole the rest of the year) between the two. And I'll swear I just saw Charlie Fairhead leaving Casualty. What, for good? He can't leave, the building would fall down, wouldn't it?
9.31: Oh, sorry, we're back in the room. Tess is STILL wearing that dress, even though we told her not to earlier and any normal presenter would surely have changed by now into top glad-rags, but no.
We get a catch up on the earlier show, like we didn't watch it. We did.
9.35: Oooh, excellent, it's a Viennese Waltz, and they're both on the floor at the same time, so we can actually compare the two couples like for like, while the band does a dirge version of This Year's Love by David Gray. Or rather, a version of "Thisyeez lurve it beddalass", because that's what they're actually singing.
Alesha looks beautiful, but is wearing a bizarre pink dresss with a buttoned top, a gash in the back, and wet hankies tied to her elbows and wrists.
Dres aside, I think she is better though. At the Viennese waltz, I mean. Which is a spectacularly spinny dance, isn't it? Maybe that's what the hankies are there for. The dance was developed by the Austrians who didn't have tumble driers but needed to continually launder and dry their hankies because they kept getting colds.
Anyway, she's very good. Do bear in mind I know nothing, but I think she should win, but I think she should win.
9.41: The judges, who aren't scoring on this bit because it's all down to the public vote etc. thought it was very good. Arlene says "YOU'RE RIDING ON THE CREST OF A WAVE TONIGHT AND YOU'RE RIDING HIGH ON IT", which isn't a phrase, not even when shouted at top volume. Someone get that woman a strong coffee, will you?
Then the inevitable vox-pop section. who do the British public think should win? Well, who cares? We'll find out if you get on with it and announce the vote, won't we? Oh god, now friends and family of the finalists get their say.
9.44: Sylvia Young is voxpopped as "Matt's Former Headteacher". What? She's Sylvia Sodding Young! Purveyor of small children and farmer of little stage school brats responsible for so much evil in the world - and so many annoying stage-school-brats turned annoying-acting-adult-brats.
9.47: Finally, we're getting to the final dance from each of the couples. But first we have a film of how they got here. We know how they got here! We've seen it! About four hundred times! THIS EVENING!
9.49: Finally! Dancing. Matt's wearing a skintight black glittery vest that's so camp it's not even funny.
They dance 'freestyle' to Are You Gonna Go My Way. Doesn't look very freestyle. Looks like they've practised it. What? It doesn't mean they just come out and have a jig about? Oh, they just get to decide on the style and the music and the lifts and things. Well, it's jolly good.
9.53: The judges loved it. I'm starting to get seriously worried about Arlene. Is she always like this or is she battling through some serious hearing damaging accident she suffered this week? Was she present at a bombing? Did her eardrums burst? Is she drinking to numb the pain? Anyone know?
9.56: Alesha and Matthew retrn, giving their all to 'Holding Out For A Hero', which is simply brilliant, as I haven't been to 1984 in ages and it's nice to see it's still in good health.
Their dance contains a million lifts, and at one point matthew swings our heroine around in a circle several times holding one hand and one ankle, swinging her like a suckling pig in a dress. They end on a lift, and she seems to fall out of it? Does she? Or is that a dance move I'm not aware of?
I'm not sure who I want to win now. Matt seems to try very hard, although I have a natural suspicion of anyone who attended stage school, as I generally have found them to be tits in the past, so I'm going off him quite quickly.
The judges enthuse wildly, and loudly.
10.00pm: Backstage, the couple, as out of puff as you might expect after all that, say that they would like to win, please. Again.
10.01: We get yet another recap of the dances we've watched already tonight, along with phone numbers. I now realise how the these shows are so long. There are five recaps for every dance.
10.03: OOOH! The phone lines are closed, people! Any moment now, the winner will be announced.
But first. Oh God Help Me, it's the Spice Girls. Where's that sherry? Or Baileys, whatever, I don't care. Arlene, I'm coming to join you!
10.05: The Spice Girls sing Two Become One, a bona fide hit from back when they were good. Surely since the money's from the phone vote's being part-donated to Children In Need, their CiN charity single, Headlines would have been more appropriate? You know, the one that got to about number 87 on the charts and then vanished? No?
They all look very thin. And my god, are they singing live? If so, I would like to report that Victoria sung a line. She must have been practising for months.
10.08: They're about to announce the winner! OMG!
10.09: It's ...
[cue 48 second pause for dramatic effect. Seriously, if producers make these pauses any longer they could just start putting some other programmes in there. Or films]
IT'S ALESHA! (And Matthew)! WOW! YAY!
10.12: Everyone cheers and claps and the floor is flooded with people hugging and congratulating and Brucie and Tess have a hell of a time trying to get everyone back on their marks so they can do the final interviews. "Matthew! I need YOU over HERE, and Alesha too. STAY HERE, Will you?!" You can here him shouting.
They're glad to have won and, honestly, Alesha continues to come across as one of the most sincerely lovely people I've ever seen on a reality show. I've never seen this before, and I'm crying, ffs.
Matt and Flavia are interviewed being sad that they lost. "Will you continue to see each other after the show, because you've formed QUITE A BOND, haven't you?" Says Tess with such a nudge nudge of the elbow and a wink wink of the eye that they'll probably end up with bruises, and she a tic. Yes, they're biffing, we get it.
10.13: Then Alesha and Matthew do their victory dance, which mainly involves people getting them to stop hugging the other contestants and get on the damned dance floor, and ends with them hugging and swaying on a ticker-tape covered floor while people whoop and clap.
The End.
Gosh, that was lovely. I can see what everyone likes about it now.
Thank you, and goodnight.
